Romantic comedies hurt us. If you know me long enough you’ll hear many reasons why. Today I’ll talk about a couple.
In nearly all of them the girl comes to realize how great the guy really is under the surface. She realizes who he really is. She also realizes who the bad guy is and why he’s bad.
Unsuccessful guys who just know how great they are underneath see them and think, if only people could see how he is inside he’d be a winner. He hopes that if he stays the course a girl will recognize him for it.
How many counterproductive beliefs and behaviors does this model reinforce? It makes people worse by any standard I can think of.
Probably the aspect that hurts people’s awareness most is that it suggests the antagonist is better than anyone else because of who he is on the inside. Everybody is great on the inside by their standards, just like he is. The bad guy in the movie in his mind is great. It doesn’t help anyone for people to learn from movies to think that they’re better than someone else if only people could see inside. It creates the opposites of empathy and humility.
These movies teach you not to learn social skills.
They also suggest that people can access some who you are underneath. Nonsense. People can know you only one way — through your appearance and behavior. They know nothing but what you show. How could they know anything else? If you want people to perceive you differently, you have to change your behavior. That’s it. That’s leadership. No waiting for them to peer within.
Anyone can change their behavior, but these movies suggest otherwise. They demotivate you from changing your behavior, which helps confine you.
The imply there is some permanent, unchanging you. Well, you can keep parts of you constant, but you don’t have to. You can change whatever you want.
They also put the burden of the work to convey who you are on the other person, demotivating you from taking responsibility for putting yourself out there. Responsibility will always trump asking others to do your work for you — especially in a competitive environment. If another guy is there to reveal more of himself through his behavior and communication, he’ll tend to win in a competition.
Anyway, I recommend avoiding romantic comedies. They teach the opposite of leadership.
Is there such thing as revealing too much of yourself to someone? In some cases, shouldn’t we analyze the other person to see whether keeping ourselves hidden be the best option?
I have strong opinions. I only share my thoughts when I truly believe in what I’m saying. I had many people disagree with me before and get very upset over it that it affected my relationship with them. I didn’t mean for them to get upset. I forget that some people get very uncomfortable hearing a difference of opinion.
I wish I didn’t revealing myself sometimes to save the drama and the disappointment of not receiving back the tolerance and respect that I have for their opinion.
I once couldn’t share strong opinions without ruffling feathers either. It took me a long time to realize in my case that the way I stated my feelings affected how people reacted. After years of trial and error, I’ve learned how to share opinions with people who disagree, but our conversations stay civil, even informative and friendly. As a result I learn more and stay more influential.
I only know what you posted here so I don’t know details. They sound like they are reacting to being judged. Many people, when they intend only to state opinions, end up including judgmental language. I wonder if that happened with you. Check out my series of posts on judgmental language sneaking in unintended starting here — http://joshuaspodek.com/judgmental-realizing — and tell me if it might apply in your cases.
I wrote those posts to help people in situations like yours sound like.
This one — http://joshuaspodek.com/stop-judgmental — may also help, if I haven’t misread your situation.
Hello Joshua,
After reading through some of the links you have provided, I do find myself using the less judgmental language majority of the time…. But only up to a certain point. The most recent argument I had with someone gave me the motivation to post my original comment.
My coworker claimed that I was being very negative about something that didn’t have anything to do with him. I thought over what he said and told him that he was right. I was coming across negative to him and explained that the negativity did not represent my true feelings about it. I then listed some of the positive things about it. He asked me why I didn’t mention the positives before. I explained that it wasn’t relative in the past conversations. He kept on insisting that I was a bad person for being negative. This made me angry because according to my values, I wasn’t being negative in the first place. This was where I started using judgmental language.
I told him that he was taking things to the extreme and that my “negative” comments were all about very trivial things that didn’t really matter. He still kept insisting that I’m a horrible person. I asked him to provide me with examples of what I said because I was trying to figure out what particular comments were making him act aggressive and hateful toward me. He told me that he doesn’t really remember what I exactly said. All he remembers was that it was negative. This gave me absolutely nothing to work with, made me feel like I was being treated unfairly and my emotions got more intense. His emotions were intense as well.
I can’t stand seeing this guy at work now. Overall I really regret sharing my personal opinions. I feel like there were hints about his personality that I should have picked up so I could have prevented it from happening in the first place.
Two main points stick out about the situation you describe.
First, everyone, no matter how awesome most people consider them, has detractors. Our greatest heroes probably had the most — Lincoln, Gandhi, King, Edison, Muhammad Ali, to name a few that roll off my tongue.
I haven’t found trying to get everyone to like or agree with me improved my life. No matter what you believe, someone will disagree with some beliefs. More effective in improving my life has been to listen to someone who disagrees or judges and to maintain control of my emotions. Argument tends to get them to dig in their heels. Nowadays I tend to ask them why think what they do, then say I understand they feel that way and we just disagree.
Because the other person wants to argue doesn’t mean you have to take the bait. To be able to stay calm when others lose their composure is what others look for in leaders (well, one component anyway).
Second, you sound like you made some major changes. Personally, I’m impressed since not many people are willing to rethink old arguments and openly revise their beliefs. Let’s see how the changes continue over time.
I don’t see a problem in your sharing your opinions. The challenge is in handling what comes after. The alternative is hiding yourself.
This response was probably both too short and too long, but I hope it helps.
Thanks for the reply Joshua.
Keeping my composure and learning to not take the bait is definitely something I need to work on. It’s very hard in the moment to stay focused on the big picture and realize how trivial the disagreement really is.
It can take time (though some change happens instantly). The trick is to learn to enjoy and find reward in the development.
Experience does it. At first you realize the next day how you could have stayed focused. Later you start to realize it an hour later. Later you start realizing it a few minutes later. Eventually you realize it in the moment.
In many cases, I would think people get upset because 1. you give your opinion when they don’t want them(e.g. people often just want to be listened) 2. you’re hurting their feelings not their positions(e.g. not caring about what other people think is different from stumping on their feelings). 3. You’re with the wrong people
I also understand your sentiment on tolerance and respect but I came to realize that to extend my tolerance to the intolerant is not necessarily defending my own tolerance.
As much as I agree with Josh on the delivery, I would argue calling something or someone judgmental itself is technically judgmental. I believe judgement is necessary but the question is whether it is premature/ immature judgement or well-thought judgement you can thoughtfully deliver.