The false dichotomy of the nice girl and the bitch and what to do instead
After yesterday’s pattern I see in men, here’s a comparable one I see in women.
A woman gets approached by men. Some she likes, some she doesn’t. If the ones she doesn’t like get too numerous, she may try to limit the number of men approaching her by making herself appear less available or pushing them away.
While she intended to change only the number of guys approaching her, she likely changed the type of guy who approaches. The more oblivious to her emotions a guy is, the less likely her efforts will affect him. Non-oblivious guys see her repellent appearance and behavior, take the hint, and leave her alone.
She makes herself look and act repellent and ends up skewing the distribution of guys toward oblivious guys and jerks — a double-whammy against her.
If her defenses also include pushing men who approach away, they will see her personality as repellent. If they approached because they found her appearance or behavior viewed from a distance attractive, then the more they stick with her despite her pushing them away, the more they’ll seem to be interested only in superficial things. She will see superficiality in the deepest men, not because those men are superficial, but because she hides any depth she has.
What happened? What could be done differently?
Like yesterday’s nice guy, her behavior is leading others to behave in ways they wouldn’t otherwise. Her preconceived notions lead her to conclude things about men in general that only apply to the men she selected, and she selected for oblivious and uncaring men.
By repelling everyone she judges people before meeting them. In denying them anything but superficial qualities, she makes them look superficial.
More problematic for her personal growth, she believed that the only alternative to talking to anyone is to push everyone away. I wrote about the solution when you have two options you don’t like in “A solution to all ethics problems“:
Create more options.
There are plenty of options besides treating people nicely and repelling them. Confident and assertive, for example, are neither, but often work effectively in meeting people. A woman who has the skills to tell a man she is not interested so he can and will walk away without feeling bad or hurt can meet men more deeply. I know I’ve simplified and other effects affect the situation. (I’ll probably get in trouble with someone for something on this page).
Confidence and assertiveness don’t come easy to someone who has never had them, but anyone can increase how much they have of them. My Method helps people transform this sort of thing.
My social skills exercises show some of the infinite ways to meet someone and get to know them without trying to unilaterally oblige them. Needless to say, countless resources besides my page exist.
No matter how one chooses to transform oneself or learn new skills, I think the transformation requires changing behavior, which can be hard.
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