Reply To: Exercise 10: No, But, However
Reflection #10 – No, But, However
For the tenth exercise of Leadership Step By Step, I had a deceivingly simple task: do not start sentences with the words “no”, “but”, or “however.” The goal of which was to become more self-aware of how you interact with people and specifically, whether you are communicating in a way that is detrimental to relationship-building.
What does a good conversation involve? An interesting topic? A solid variety of opinions? Open mindedness of the people involved? I think there are many factors that contribute to an interesting and engaging conversation, but one of the most important is just having two people who are genuinely curious about the topic, specifically the other person’s opinions on it. When you engage in a conversation with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand someone else (especially when they have an opposing opinion to yours), it leads you to ask questions that “open the door” to deeper, more meaningful conversations. And more importantly, it starts to signal to the other person that you’re interested in them and as a consequence, starts to build trust – even if their opinion is polar opposite to yours. That is where the value of this exercise lives: it’s not just an exercise in awareness of speech, it’s an exercise that helps you to build better relationships.
This exercise is one that was actually recommended to me years ago by Josh himself, to help me with hosting a podcast and interviewing guests. And while I can’t say that I’ve completely mastered the skill, I’ve definitely become much better than I was back then. I have now gotten to the point where I catch about 95% of my sentences that might have started with no, but, or however. Over the years, I’ve also been able to see what happens when you start a sentence with no, but, or however: it immediately incites defensiveness, disconnection from the conversation, and also something personal – maybe a feeling of hurt? I can also tell that this exercise has really taken root in my social interactions since I now also feel the sting when others do it to me. When I hear someone respond to something I say with “But…”, I immediately feel like “They’re not even listening to me. They were just waiting for their turn to talk.” After being fed a “no, but, however” statement, I myself have felt the impulse to want to get defensive and tell them why they’re wrong before I’ve even heard what they’re going to say. It made me want to disconnect from a conversation and turn it into a “who’s right, who’s wrong” debate.
I think the people I talk to have also noticed a difference, if only subconsciously. When I avoid starting sentences with “no, but, however”, it almost naturally leads to a feeling of curiosity – if I can’t start with why they’re wrong, I start thinking about how to engage on details of what they’re saying, which in turn leads to the other person feeling cared for and heard. Once someone feels heard, they start to open up and trust, which further leads to deeper, more meaningful conversations.
I will say there are some ways in which I feel like I’ve cheated to get out of starting sentences with “no, but, however”. Depending on how invested I want to be in the conversation, I may just say “I see what you mean, but…” instead of just saying “but” from the start. The way I’ve come to think about it is pretty simple: if the person I’m talking to and the conversation I’m having are things that I appreciate, I make it a point to actually listen and try to understand them instead of negating something they’re saying, even if I disagree.
This exercise is one that I think everyone should do at least once, for at least a week. It’s a great exercise in self-awareness, working on your conversational skills, and developing better relationships.