Reply To: Exercise 12: Feedforward
Exercise 12: Feedforward
Exercise 12 of Leadership Step By Step was “Feedforward”, an exercise developed by Marshall Goldsmith to ask for advice instead of asking someone to evaluate something you did in the past (AKA “feedback”). In short, the exercise asks you to pick something you want to improve at, ask for advice using a specific script, ask some clarifying questions if necessary (NO evaluating or judging!), then thanking them for the advice.
For this exercise, I decided to select a project that aligns with one of my goals for 2025: developing relationships in my life. I decided I want to improve at nurturing meaningful, deeper relationships (with existing friends and family or new relationships).
After doing multiple rounds of Initiative exercises, this exercise felt like it wasn’t too much of a challenge. Within just a handful of days, I was able to contact 10+ people to ask for advice and was able to quickly fill my calendar with calls to friends and family to ask for advice.
Normally, I don’t post the actual advice that I got, but I think that the advice I got was so useful and valuable that for this reflection I would go ahead and post the advice I got:
– Ask others to help make introductions to people who are in the same situation as you (kid, married, similar work, similar hobbies)
– Connect more with the friends you have over holidays and special occasions. Make a point to send messages or call on birthdays, Christmas, July 4th, or any other holiday!
– Spend more time with people in-person. If not possible, phone calls can work as well, but try for in-person meetings.
– If it’s something you really want, prioritize it. Make it an active decision to use some of your time for friends/family.
– Even if you have a kid now, hold on to friendships (even if it’s just one call a year) because you will have time again someday.
– Find people who are in the same situation as you.
– Ask meaningful questions (open ended!), probing questions, layering questions.
– Find get-to-know-you games and memorize some questions. Ask others for questions that are effective at deepening connections. Seek people out one-on-one.
– To make new friends: find common ground and ask someone to connect.
– Use cadence/frequency to pace relationships (too frequent communication leads to nothing to say, not frequent enough leads to becoming distant). Each relationship will have its own cadence. Ask what a preferred cadence is!
– Make a rule for yourself to reach out whenever you think of someone and just say you’re thinking of them. If the desire is there, schedule a meet up and stick to it.
– Apply the 2-minute rule to connecting with friends. When you think of them, swallow any pride/fear/apprehensiveness and just send a quick text. Don’t overthink it.
– Identify hobbies and try to find communities to join.
– Find a local community to join or start volunteering.
– Don’t try to hang onto friendships just because they’re old. Nurture the valuable ones, let the others go.
– Go easy on yourself, relationships are orbits, sometimes close, sometimes far, there are natural cycles.
– Don’t be afraid to initiate. Be transparent (tell them you miss them and want to reconnect!). Get them on the calendar.
– Focus on THEM. Listen. Ask open questions.
– Recognize your own value and make friends with yourself too. Give yourself time to be with yourself too.
– Create a specific goal – rather than something vague like “make more meaningful relationships”, try to make your goal specific like “I will reconnect with every person on this list” or make it fun: “create deep connections with these 3, medium connections with these 5, then light connections with these 10.”
The variety of “feedforward” I got was really fun and interesting to hear. Some of the advice were things that I already try to do or had already thought of, and some of it was really insightful and from a perspective I’ve never considered, but all advice was helpful and really made me feel ready to try to apply it to my life.
One of the things I noticed was a very clear distinction between male and female advice: whereas most of the advice I got from men was logical (get things on calendars, make lists, be proactive/assertive), the advice I got from women was empathetic (ask open questions, listen and try to understand them, tell them how you feel about them). It was really interesting to hear the difference, and I felt continuously appreciative that I had both perspectives.
The tone of the conversations I had were all light and fun – many of them ended with both of us expressing a desire to connect more in future, which really made me feel good for having reached out and asked for the advice. The people I asked for advice also seemed to really enjoy the conversations. Some explicitly expressed that they felt honored that I asked them for advice on this and genuinely seemed delighted to give advice, which also made me feel great for having given them that opportunity to share something that maybe they don’t often have a chance to express. And for me, I was having fun asking for advice! Using my skills that I gained from Initiative, I felt like the conversations were almost like improvisation – on one hand I felt in control of the conversation and that I was leading, but there is still always an element of unexpectedness from the responses that keep you on your toes (which sometimes you have to guide back to the question at hand).
Overall, I feel like all the advice I got was valuable and the conversations that came from the exercise were all amazingly positive and added to my life. In a way, the conversations themselves did exactly what I was asking for advice on: they deepened and gave meaning to 10 relationships that I have in my life. As I go into 2025 trying to build better relationships with the people in my life, I think I will have gained a new technique for connecting: asking for advice!