Inner Monologue Reflections

Watching my inner monologue is a decades old practice for me but writing my thoughts down isn’t part of my normal practice. Looking back on what I wrote I would identify three categories:

1. Planning for what I need to do in the future
2. Looking back on what already happened
3. Reflecting on how I am feeling

What I wrote didn’t really have common thoughts other than what I stated above, but I am aware of recurring thoughts that I have that weren’t demonstrated by this exercise. I set the alarm for three times a day. I didn’t always write when the alarm went off but it reminded me to do the exercise when I could write. I did recognize that my thoughts are often of an organizing and planning type, how to get things done and in what sequence I need to do them according to priorities.

I would guess that the categories of my thoughts aren’t much different than others but that there would be significant differences in content and emphasis. I know in my earlier years, I had more evaluative thoughts than I do now, specifically negatively evaluating myself or judging others. These thoughts lead to challenging emotions that need to be dealt with. I still have those kinds of thoughts, but they are not often central, and they don’t consume much of the oxygen of my thinking. I have learned strategies to observe them and make choices about where I want to put my energy. I think age and practice have contributed to the difference (“method observation of thoughts” otherwise known as meditation and self-reflection?)

Inner Monologue

Initial Reflections

I carried a tiny composition notebook that’s somehow stayed with me for at least 10 years, rarely getting used. I tried to record my thoughts three times each day but sometimes I only did it twice. It’s been a super busy week so although I know I’d probably benefit from doing it more, this was what I got.

Josh warned us that at first, writing our thoughts will feel like drinking from a fire hose. That was a pretty accurate description. The moment I went to write down my thoughts, they’d totally change and I wouldn’t even know what to write because they were coming and going so fast. It’s quite fascinating to actually sit and observe your thoughts. Our minds are definitely never blank — even lifelong monks say their mind is crazy. Looking back at the exercise description, I’m realizing I may have messed up a little. The goal is to “capture a thought, remember it, and record it independently of what you’re thinking while writing.” I did that sometimes, but other times, I’d let the first thoughts go and write down the thoughts that came up while writing. Or I’d write about what I was thinking, but not what I was thinking.

Reflection Questions from the book

Evelyn Wallace’s Inner Monologue Exercise

This exercise comes at a time when I’ve reconnected with my spiritual values—Michael Singer’s work was the nudge I needed—which means I’ve been putting conscious effort on noticing my own thoughts quite a bit lately. Being asked to transcribe them was a whole new thing, and it helped me go deeper into my own self-awareness. Alas! Before I get swept into a river of narrative, I’ll answer the specific questions:

• I did notice trends in my inner monologue, and how! The first trend was that (some) thoughts tend to be location-specific, or triggered specifically by my outer environment. Another trend was that as soon as I began identifying the thought I was about to transcribe (before I’d even picked up my pen), the direction of thought changed. That is to say: bearing witness to the thought made the thought a new thing, usually something quieter. If the first thought was something “hot,” I often responded to it with a second thought that was more reflective. The second thought often smoothed the edges of the first, reconsidered, and put some distance between self and first thought (and self and second thought, even). I also noticed trends in the thoughts I had but never wrote down. Who am I really hiding from?
• Common thoughts, by category but in no particular order: thoughts about a recent ex, thoughts about gratitude, thoughts about whether my behaviors were in alignment with my values, thoughts about the day-to-day operations of life, thoughts about that one nonprofit that’s almost certainly operating fraudulently, thoughts about my SIDCHAs, thoughts about parenting.
• I suspect some of my thoughts were par for the course as compared with the thoughts of others (housekeeping items, for example, or thoughts about intimate partnerships, whatever stage of the relationship you’re in). From experience, I suspect that some of my other thoughts (usually the ones I didn’t transcribe for this exercise) are less common among the rest of humanity, but maybe this exercise is here to help me see: I’m not that special.
• How might I apply this? Easy! Every time I am asked to bring my awareness to my thoughts (especially by writing them down), I am compelled to remember that I am the bigger entity, the one behind the thoughts. And that’s a good state of being to be operating from, in general. For reference, it’s not about having the thought or not having the thought, it’s about how quickly I can recognize what the thought is and what to do with it. If it’s administrative, it definitely goes in my in-tray. If it’s about an ex, it definitely goes in the let-it-be-heard-then-dismiss-it tray. I anticipate this thought-watcher exercise will help me to process my own emotions (and thoughts) from a more regulated place, which will allow me to connect with others from a more regulated place, which will allow me to do the work I need to do on earth as effectively as possible. And also, as an added bonus, it looks like it might apply to being more administratively organized!

REFLECTION 21 monologue moments in 5 days.

DID I NOTICE TRENDS
My monologue has more to do with how I’m changing myself than trying to change others like what it would have been 5 years previously.
Focused on improving leadership presence based on work I’ve been doing in the past 2 years.
The direction I trying to go in is coming into better focus.
I pick up more in conversations because am listening more, talking less and am more fully engaged on average.
Been working on managing my energy and I think this is also helping. Doing certain types of thinking and tasks at certain times of the day that fit my energy level, my positivity level, my doer/thinking state.
I am becoming more comfortable being uncomfortable, Catching my breath and willing myself through new change situations and coming out the other side better.

DID I NOTICE COMMON THOUGHTS
Many thoughts related to striving to move forward rather than frustration with being stuck in a spot
More thoughts about emotions invoked under different circumstances and some thoughts emerging on the reasons why.
Stronger positivity overall, using irrepressible optimism catch phrase to find new options, able to see more possibilities in a situation.

HOW DO MY THOUGHTS COMPARE TO THE OTHER
No idea, depends on where each of us are in our leadership journey.
Each are going to be unique. The lessons I need to learn to progress are right in front of me and are likely different than others.
Writing out thoughts in the moment is really working for me. A boost to practices I’ve been putting into place like my life plan review. It is keeping my brain moving on my leadership progression by bringing it up through the day rather than trying to think about it when I have more time at the end of the day and I’m too tired to think straight. The several moments a day is keeping the topic in my consciousness longer.
I am committing to continue 3 monologues per day for 30 days to see where I end up.

Writing My Inner Monologue: Reflection

The 3rd exercise of Leadership Step By Step is to record your inner monologue a few times a day for a week. Most days I recorded it at least twice, but I also managed to get to it 3 times a day from time to time.

Since it’s not my first time doing this, I knew it was coming, and I’ve already had some practice. I remember the first time I did this exercise, it was surprisingly hard to focus on the monologue itself. I would get too involved in the “thinking about thinking” instead of just writing what my mind was blabbering on about. For example, I’d end up writing “I’m thinking about how hard it is to write as fast as I think” instead of “Wow, it’s really hard to write all my thoughts. By the time I’m done writing a sentence, my mind is already thinking about the next one. Wait what was the next thing I thought?!”

This time it was much smoother. I knew to just relax, stop “trying” and just let the mind wander. As before, my mind would do a lot of commenting on whatever was happening in the moment. “Hey, there’s a red car passing by. They don’t live here. I wonder where they’re going.” or “There’s my dog. She’s looking for food again. She’s putting her head on my lap. Should I give her something?” Another trend I noticed was that my mind would almost become self conscious about itself “recording” itself. A lot of times I just would feel like “I don’t know what to think about. My mind is blank. Well…Not blank. Since it’s thinking this right now…But not thinking of anything important or significant. Is this really worth writing?” And I did notice that sometimes my mind would go blank for longer periods of time. Times when there was no inner monologue, not even a “Blank! Blank! My mind is blank!”

I often tried to give myself a topic to think about so I wouldn’t just be writing the exact same narrations of what is happening around me: “Let’s think about that thing that happened today…It really made me feel disrespected. I don’t know why they had to say that like that, and why I couldn’t just speak up and tell them so…” I almost felt like I didn’t want to waste “thinking time” and be sure it was “productive”, which was an interesting realization in itself, and possibly speaks to an unnecessary desire or habit I have to try to “optimize” everything, sometimes to a fault.

Overall, I feel like the thoughts I had during this exercise were probably pretty typical. I think that most people would be inclined to just think about what’s happening around them, or about how they can’t think of what to think at the moment, but I will be really interested to read others’ essays.

The exercise didn’t feel profound or lead to any incredible realizations, but I think the exercise is a great practice to have regularly. The ability to just open the fire hydrant of your mind and let it just release all of its thoughts onto a piece of paper and clear all the messy, disorganized, and rambling thoughts out is almost a form of therapy. For this exercise, I never wrote more than 10 sentences or so each time, but in the past, to relax, I’ve taken an entire 8.5×11” sheet of paper and just filled the whole thing with exactly these kinds of thoughts. My mental state afterwards is always more focused after I’ve let all the random thoughts out.

I also hope that doing this exercise leads me to higher levels of self-awareness – by being aware of what I’m thinking, it gives me a meta look into my own brain. It allows me to step back from myself and almost look at my own thoughts from a distance and evaluate whether I agree with what I’m saying or thinking. In a way, it creates a second layer of “me,” which I think can be a very useful tool for staying calm and level-headed. I anticipate that in future exercises when you must learn to lead yourself, it will become a critical skill to have.

Inner Monologue Reflection:

Did you notice any trends?

Yes, there appeared to be a lot of negotiation and commentary. It seemed that the most of the calories were spent waffling between decisions and parsing through a flood of thoughts to process high emotion events.

Did you notice common thoughts?

Yes, common thoughts were fears and worries compared to self-soothing thoughts. Negotiating with myself took a lot of time and effort. A common trend was reluctance to honor things that I had set out for myself, or a restraining of my actions, thoughts, and choices from my natural instincts.

How do you think your thoughts compared to others?

I think my thoughts are very similar to others. I think people tend to worry more often than not, and then most of what people worry about ends up not happening. I believe that we naturally judge ourselves and are over self-critical, and we also tend to judge others and what is happening to or around us. I think it’s normal and human nature to make observations or pass judgements because it’s simply how we interpret and interact with our environments.

Where and how might you apply your experience in the rest of your life?

I feel like this exercise is really useful in processing high-emotion events. It serves to allow me to decompress and to process things mentally, verbally, and emotionally. It allows me to document my thoughts and then to observe through a second pass how I’m feeling emotionally. Gaining clarity on what I think about a situation, a person, and then being able to identify and verbalize how I’m feeling gives me a degree of closure about a conversation a situation. It allows me to proverbially ‘dump’ my brain of thoughts that I might have previously or typically ruminated on for days. I guess in some ways this exercise serves as a means to get to personal emotional regulation.