Practicing to become a cathedral builder

For many years I’ve tried changing my beliefs about different situations so they weren’t as crappy. I’d use a “mind over matter” type of approach; if it was cold and I didn’t have a jacket, I’d try to convince myself that it simply wasn’t that cold. Sometimes this sort of strategy works, often times it doesn’t, and even when it does, it doesn’t last. I’ve also had some practice with meditation which helps me be content with whatever reality is; when I’m uncomfortable, or sad, or mad, etc., I can observe those feelings without trying to change anything. In a way, when successful, this leads to a changed belief. What was once “causing” me anguish ceases to have the same power which brings me peace. I think developing this skill is really valuable, but might have some limitations that can be addressed through the skill I learned this week.

This exercise offers an alternative way to shift a belief to make our lives better with more authenticity and lasting impact. No gaslighting required! Though it still felt a little odd to at first.

By focusing on the emotions there is a clearer, more authentic path towards creating a new belief that you can actually believe. During class last Sunday, Josh invited a few of us to start going through the steps of this exercise, so I volunteered. I had an idea of a belief I wanted to change and how I might go about it, but was not prepared for the shift I had when Josh led me to come up with a new belief. I shared a belief I wrote down during Exercise 6, the emotions it created, and the context. The shift came when Josh prompted me to imagine how someone I look up to might feel in that same context. I immediately started to get a little emotional; I could picture another version of myself responding with compassion, empathy, and optimism instead of despair, self-doubt, and frustration. It made me want to really make that change.

After the in-class exercise, Josh and I concluded that maybe it’d be better for me to start with a belief with a little less baggage. Especially since next week’s exercise is to adopt a challenging belief. So, I decided to focus on a belief about the cold weather. Maybe this is cheating to adapt the example from the book, but it really is a belief of mine that leads to unwanted emotions. Plus, it seems relatively easy to change with a high potential for positively impacting my life! I met with Beth to go through the exercise again and this is what she helped me come up with:

1. I’ve been leaving the heat off upstairs, which makes my room cold, which makes me feel unmotivated, annoyed, and discouraged. I believe that the cold makes my life harder and less enjoyable.

2. I’d prefer to feel motivated, gratitude, and curiosity, like someone capable of adapting to their surroundings and finding solutions to problems.

3. I’ll believe that I can do things myself to stay warm without turning on the heat.

To ensure I was not gaslighting myself with a “mind over matter” approach, I checked to see if it was plausible — could I really believe this? Changing my belief from “I’m cold and uncomfortable” to “I’m warm and comfortable!” would never hold up, I’d never actually believe it. That’s not to say that I needed to resonate with the new belief right away. In fact, an important part of this exercise is “faking it until you make it” so long as it’s not simply the opposite of the existing belief. I also double checked that genuinely believing the new belief would improve my life. When talking it through with my classmate I realized a few things. First, leading with curiosity to find ways to stay warm without heat would definitely improve my life — I’d be in a better mood and more motivated to work. Second, solving problems would make me feel gratitude and pride for myself which would likely multiply my motivation. Third, having discovered new ways of keeping warm, I’d be more likely to go outside more because I know that I’ll be able to get warm again. This would also likely lead to feeling gratitude and appreciation for the winter weather and the nature around me.

Adopting this belief seemed like a win all across the board! And so it was. I’d consider myself rather successful this week. It was a simple task with a solid reward: a new belief that the cold doesn’t make my life harder, it makes it more interesting and real. Adopting this new belief helped me stay warm, get started with a more regular exercise routine, and inspired me to get outside more. Moreover, I feel confident in my ability to apply the same steps to other beliefs that I’d like to change.

Did my initial candidate belief feel fake?
Maybe a little. Because I focused on simple actions that I could take that would address the unwanted emotions and thus the belief, it felt pretty real. There was still some feeling of faking it, though. I would think “ugh, your just telling yourself this” and often I wanted to stay stuck in my ways (at first).

Did that feeling change?
As I practiced my new belief and found it to have validity, my feeling definitely changed. When I would feel the old belief and associated emotions, I’d quickly shift to the new belief and feel excited to do something about it. Usually, it would only take 5 minutes of push-ups/pull-ups/planks and I’d be nice and warm. Plus, I found myself being okay with feeling cold and less resistant to simply wearing more layers inside. For some reason, I’ve always felt like somewhat of a failure when I put more layers on to stay warm. It’s like it attacks my manliness or something (even though I definitely don’t consider myself manly). This is where the discouragement comes from.

Did I feel like I could change not just a belief but beliefs in general?
Yes, I feel pretty motivated to try changing other beliefs. I started using the same steps to change other beliefs less formally throughout the week. Just knowing that it was possible to believe something else usually helped pretty significantly.

Did I sense how my mind adopts beliefs and changes them?
I’m not sure. I don’t think I really know how exactly my mind adopts/changes beliefs. I guess through taking action and personal experience? So, maybe I did sense how…

Where and how might I apply my experience in the rest of my life?
I’ll use this experience to help me during the next exercise! I found myself automatically doing it with other beliefs throughout the week, so I think I’ll just continue to improve this skill over time.

8 – Adopt a new belief (minor)

Background. Senior leadership announced a return to the office 5 days a week for all employees effective January 1st. This is occuring in the midst of a major reorganization and employee layoff.

1. Find a belief that leads to emotions you don’t like.
I and others feel helpless and betrayed that senior leadership is enforcing 5 days in the office as a means of getting rid of people for the cost cutting initiative.

2. Think of emotions you would prefer in that context.
I would prefer to feel happy and empowered

3. Think of a belief that would generate the emotion you prefer.
I believe this is an opportunity to create work hour options for people that will meet the mandate AND give employees an adjusted schedule that works for them and that convinces them to stay with the company, all other factors considered.

4. Consciously and deliberately think the new belief
I’ve actively worked on this belief throughout the past week to make it come true in reality.
I explained to employees it is a positive to know this now, while there is time and some flexibility to adjust hours to make it workable AND for those who won’t be happy in a fully work from office environment to make a decision that is in their control.
I evaluated each person’s situation and discussed preferred options.
Approved these with my supervisor. Likely result: 2 people not affected at all, 3 people with acceptable compressed work week, one person likely to leave with a package.

REFLECTION
1. Did your initial belief feel fake?
No, it was real and instant once I first read the announcement. Jumped to a negative conclusion on what management was thinking.

2. Did that feeling change?
Yes, it started a whole cause and effect analysis in my head. Was thinking how this would affect me, that I worked for many years 5 days in the office and why was I feeling this way about the announcement (negative). How it would affect my group when 2 for sure had said earlier they would quit and were in tears about it.
Overall my feeling changed from betrayal to hopeful to empowerment as I thought of a new belief that revealed an opportunity.

3. Did you feel like you could change not just a belief but beliefs in general?
Yes, I’ve changed a handful of my beliefs recently and using this experience as a template, I can be more effective at analyzing and changing my beliefs for the better, and helping others to change theirs. In fact met a new contact this week and had a conversation about people with different beliefs having conversations about how to get past their differences to solve common problems.

4. Did you sense how your mind adopts beliefs and changes them?
Adopting a belief can be instant when you hear or interpret something that aligns with what you think your identity is or should be, or you are influenced by someone. I think our mind adopts and builds beliefs to make sense of the world. They become our reality whether true or not. Adopting a belief tends to lock you in to a certain perspective that makes it harder to see things differently. We use beliefs to keep us safe and preserve them and guard them carefully. Our minds will constantly look for proof to validate and strengthen them.

Changing or questioning your belief can feel like losing part of your identity. That’s why they are hard to give them up. Over time they create blind spots that you don’t realize you have and you don’t even see other possibilities in a situation.

Limiting or negative beliefs prevent us from fulfilling our true potential, hold us back, and give rise to negative thoughts and emotions. Empowering or positive beliefs allow us to act resiliently, believe in ourselves, and generate more positive thoughts and emotions.

5. Where and how might you apply your experience in the rest of your life?
Pretty much everywhere in my life to challenge and change my beliefs from limiting to empowering, to realize opportunities that are right before me but I don’t see. Specifically, in the areas of inspiring myself to reach a greater potential and no longer accepting the limitations of the current structure I’m in as it is or as the only option. This topic is also applicable to leadership and maximizing my ability to inspire others to reach further for what they desire.

Exercise 8, by Evelyn Wallace

1. I believe my ex is incapable or unwilling to self-reflect, and that he projects this unwillingness and inability on me. This makes me feel attacked, trapped, and defensive.
2. I’d prefer to feel empowered and collaborative. What would my social worker mentor say? She’d say that all complaints are requests in disguise.
3. New belief: my ex is one of my greatest teachers, and I don’t have to agree to him to hear him out. This makes me feel open, grateful, and safe.

Do I think I can really believe this? Absolutely. Why not?

 Did you initial candidate belief feel fake?

I toyed around with a few beliefs. It was challenging for me to find one that wasn’t high-voltage, so I just jumped in. I’ve done a lot of spiritual work around how the outside world affects my inside world (and even recognizing that the boundary between outside and inside is more imagined than we are traditionally taught), so I didn’t feel like it was necessary to practice the “it’s raining, that sucks” type of beliefs. I just don’t have those anymore; or, if I do, they dissipate quickly under the rays of gratitude for all the threads in life’s tapestry. So I ended up choosing between two somewhat challenging beliefs, one more so than the other. Which means I already have next week’s belief-change challenge on deck!

But the short answer is no, the initial candidate belief did not feel fake. It felt like a different mechanism by which to reframe reality. And reframing reality is something I’ve been practicing since 2016. I wrote about one of those experiences in my “book”/ audiobook podcast <Lifegasm: Marshall’s Promise> when I talked about deciding that eating sugar in excess was something I had done often throughout my life. Every time, eating sugar in excess made me feel sick and disappointed in myself. After Marshall’s death, I recognized that layers of identity are mostly imagined and that behavioral patterns (even patterns set every day for our entire lives) aren’t who we really are. I simply decided that I didn’t want to be a person who ate sugar in excess anymore, and as soon as I decided it, it was true. My mind had changed, all that needed to happen was to “prove” it with my actions. And I did! I didn’t lie to myself. I just changed my mind about who I was and who I wanted to be.

 Did that feeling change?

When I shifted into seeing my ex as one of my greatest teachers, it lifted a lot of the anxiety around what hurtful thing he might say next. Over the week, he was acting his best, so I didn’t get a lot of opportunity to practice. (Maybe this means I did the assignment wrong and I should have chosen something else?) But I did get to practice in any past-tense replaying of high-voltage conversations I’ve had with him. I didn’t get as worked up in my present-tense recall of past-tense hurts. And I found myself experiencing an absence of dread for the moment when he will (almost inevitably) slip into the high-voltage frame of mind that I previously found hurtful and demeaning.

 Did you feel like you could change not just a belief but beliefs in general?

Yes. Though I have to say this is something I’ve had some practice with already.

 Did you sense how your mind adopts beliefs and changes them?

Not really. I didn’t really focus on the pattern of belief-making and belief-changing. But I do think that with time, it will be easier to recognize unwanted emotions as (often but not always) connected to a belief and it will be easier to target that specific belief. Step by step, the way Josh loves to do!

Where and how might you apply your experience to the rest of your life?

The next time my ex comes to a conversation in a stormy state of mind, I will be able to apply the belief that he is a teacher and I will be able to hear him in a new way. I suspect I will also find teachers/ teachings in other challenging people. At least it’s pretty to think so!

Changing Beliefs

1. Did your initial candidate belief feel fake? Did that feeling change?

No. This is not a new concept for my life. It is a new process by which to choose alternative stories.

2. Did you feel like you could not just change “a” belief but beliefs in general?

Yes.

3. Did you sense how your mind adopts beliefs and changes them?

Yes

4. Where and how might you apply your experience to the rest of your life.

It was a reminder to me to consciously review what my beliefs are when I’m feeling an emotion that I would call negative and playfully/intentionally/creatively explore alternatives.

Hi Beth, thanks for all the positive energy comments you made to everyone this week. They are the signature of positive and thoughtful leadership

Exercise 8: Adopt a New Belief

For the next exercise, I had to adopt a new belief, using the book’s methodology: identify a negative emotion that comes up frequently, name it, identify the belief that brings rise to it, then identify the new emotion you want to replace it with, and come up with a replacement belief to think of every time that negative emotion comes up.

Ever since I moved to Hawaii and then my baby was born, I’ve felt frustrated that I don’t have enough time to do all the things I want to do during the day. It felt impossible to schedule anything or know how much to put on a to-do list since, depending on whether the baby naps or not, or how active he is, I may have little or no time at all to do anything I want, much less decide on what time I will commit to doing something. Also, towards the end of the year every year, I get pensive about my goals and productivity in life, and have been reading the book Getting Things Done to try to revamp my productivity system and rethink my goals. It seemed only fitting that I try to change a belief related to these.

I decided on the following for my exercise:
My negative emotions: Frustration, powerlessness, and sometimes anger.
The belief that leads to those emotions? I don’t have enough time to do everything I want to do.
The emotions I’d rather feel: Control, confidence, and calm.
The new belief to consider: There are people who get a lot done in a day and still raise children, author books, maintain full time jobs, etc. I have the same amount of time as anyone else, and I can control how I use it.

It’s hard to tell exactly whether it was purely this exercise or the combination of this and the productivity revamping I’m working on, but after I took on this belief, I started to see results within 2 days, and they were quite surprising: I found myself feeling like I had too much time and found myself having times during the day where I’d be trying to figure out what to do with my time, and not feel like I had anything in particular to do.

Part of it was the productivity revamping: due to the new system I’m working on, I’ve started to note down a lot of the thoughts and things I have to do in my head immediately when I have them. This meant that a lot of the stressing about “Oh no, I have to remember to do this later! Oh, and I can’t forget that! And I still haven’t finished this either!” disappeared, or at least was greatly reduced – now I was tracking all of those things and actively deciding when it’s reasonable to do which things. I wasn’t stressing about trying to remember things I can’t deal with right now anyway.

The change in emotions was also due to the belief change. Everytime I started to feel like “I don’t have time!!!” I would just try to tell myself “I have as much time as anyone else. You decide how you use this time.” and would find me asking myself “What’s the most important thing I can do now? What do I WANT to do now? Can I accomplish two things at once here?” and I started to realize that the negativity in thinking “I don’t have time!” was preventing myself from taking control and taking action. It wasn’t that I didn’t have time – I was convincing myself I didn’t have time. I had that feeling very strongly about twice throughout the week, and it did indeed feel empowering. And it felt like I had suddenly gained a lot of time.

Thanks to the success of the first belief-changing exercises, I really felt how useful of a skill this could be, and decided to try with another belief through the week. I am now trying to change how I feel about waking up early (From “waking up early is hard” to “others can do it, I can too”), though this one still hasn’t taken as well as I’d like, and will continue to try. It feels like it may require some adjustment, and that maybe I just got lucky with that first one being so easy. This one feels more like a challenge.

I’ve recognized how valuable it is if you can actually get your new belief to take, and now find myself looking for beliefs that I can try to change. If I were able to do this regularly and with more ease, I can imagine how a lot of stressful or uncomfortable situations in life could be turned around – it’s like the ultimate version of finding the silver lining and staying positive, but better, since it’s less focused on just “being hopeful” or focusing on the positive, and instead actively changing your own perspective and the belief that is leading to the negative feelings.

For the next exercise, I will need to find a more challenging belief to change, so it is the perfect place to continue to practice. I will most likely continue to try to change my belief about waking up early, but also am trying to find one more hard-to-change belief. This exercise is another that feels like it’s part of a neat set of skills I’m learning that are all leading up to something powerful, and am excited to keep moving forward.

Leadership Step by Step Exercise 8: Adopt a New Belief

Old belief: not finishing my homework means that I am not holding up my commitment, which means that I am not trustworthy because I broke my word. Or rather, I failed my word.
Old emotion: Self-criticism, frustration, unworthiness
New desired emotion: aligned with myself, authentic, true, empowered, peace
New belief: It’s okay to not follow through on things that are not my highest priority.

Reflection Questions:

Did your initial candidate belief feel fake? My initial candidate belief didn’t feel fake because I’ve experienced this over and over in classroom settings and in life and work settings.

Did that feeling change? That feeling changed when I decided to change it.

Did you feel like you could change not just a belief but beliefs in general? Yes.

Did you sense how your mind adopts beliefs and changes them? Yes – through recognizing something undesirable and transforming it to something desirable.

Where and how might you apply your experience in the rest of your life? All throughout – to curate a life by design.