Reply To: Exercise 8: Adopt a New Belief
Practicing to become a cathedral builder
For many years I’ve tried changing my beliefs about different situations so they weren’t as crappy. I’d use a “mind over matter” type of approach; if it was cold and I didn’t have a jacket, I’d try to convince myself that it simply wasn’t that cold. Sometimes this sort of strategy works, often times it doesn’t, and even when it does, it doesn’t last. I’ve also had some practice with meditation which helps me be content with whatever reality is; when I’m uncomfortable, or sad, or mad, etc., I can observe those feelings without trying to change anything. In a way, when successful, this leads to a changed belief. What was once “causing” me anguish ceases to have the same power which brings me peace. I think developing this skill is really valuable, but might have some limitations that can be addressed through the skill I learned this week.
This exercise offers an alternative way to shift a belief to make our lives better with more authenticity and lasting impact. No gaslighting required! Though it still felt a little odd to at first.
By focusing on the emotions there is a clearer, more authentic path towards creating a new belief that you can actually believe. During class last Sunday, Josh invited a few of us to start going through the steps of this exercise, so I volunteered. I had an idea of a belief I wanted to change and how I might go about it, but was not prepared for the shift I had when Josh led me to come up with a new belief. I shared a belief I wrote down during Exercise 6, the emotions it created, and the context. The shift came when Josh prompted me to imagine how someone I look up to might feel in that same context. I immediately started to get a little emotional; I could picture another version of myself responding with compassion, empathy, and optimism instead of despair, self-doubt, and frustration. It made me want to really make that change.
After the in-class exercise, Josh and I concluded that maybe it’d be better for me to start with a belief with a little less baggage. Especially since next week’s exercise is to adopt a challenging belief. So, I decided to focus on a belief about the cold weather. Maybe this is cheating to adapt the example from the book, but it really is a belief of mine that leads to unwanted emotions. Plus, it seems relatively easy to change with a high potential for positively impacting my life! I met with Beth to go through the exercise again and this is what she helped me come up with:
1. I’ve been leaving the heat off upstairs, which makes my room cold, which makes me feel unmotivated, annoyed, and discouraged. I believe that the cold makes my life harder and less enjoyable.
2. I’d prefer to feel motivated, gratitude, and curiosity, like someone capable of adapting to their surroundings and finding solutions to problems.
3. I’ll believe that I can do things myself to stay warm without turning on the heat.
To ensure I was not gaslighting myself with a “mind over matter” approach, I checked to see if it was plausible — could I really believe this? Changing my belief from “I’m cold and uncomfortable” to “I’m warm and comfortable!” would never hold up, I’d never actually believe it. That’s not to say that I needed to resonate with the new belief right away. In fact, an important part of this exercise is “faking it until you make it” so long as it’s not simply the opposite of the existing belief. I also double checked that genuinely believing the new belief would improve my life. When talking it through with my classmate I realized a few things. First, leading with curiosity to find ways to stay warm without heat would definitely improve my life — I’d be in a better mood and more motivated to work. Second, solving problems would make me feel gratitude and pride for myself which would likely multiply my motivation. Third, having discovered new ways of keeping warm, I’d be more likely to go outside more because I know that I’ll be able to get warm again. This would also likely lead to feeling gratitude and appreciation for the winter weather and the nature around me.
Adopting this belief seemed like a win all across the board! And so it was. I’d consider myself rather successful this week. It was a simple task with a solid reward: a new belief that the cold doesn’t make my life harder, it makes it more interesting and real. Adopting this new belief helped me stay warm, get started with a more regular exercise routine, and inspired me to get outside more. Moreover, I feel confident in my ability to apply the same steps to other beliefs that I’d like to change.
Did my initial candidate belief feel fake?
Maybe a little. Because I focused on simple actions that I could take that would address the unwanted emotions and thus the belief, it felt pretty real. There was still some feeling of faking it, though. I would think “ugh, your just telling yourself this” and often I wanted to stay stuck in my ways (at first).
Did that feeling change?
As I practiced my new belief and found it to have validity, my feeling definitely changed. When I would feel the old belief and associated emotions, I’d quickly shift to the new belief and feel excited to do something about it. Usually, it would only take 5 minutes of push-ups/pull-ups/planks and I’d be nice and warm. Plus, I found myself being okay with feeling cold and less resistant to simply wearing more layers inside. For some reason, I’ve always felt like somewhat of a failure when I put more layers on to stay warm. It’s like it attacks my manliness or something (even though I definitely don’t consider myself manly). This is where the discouragement comes from.
Did I feel like I could change not just a belief but beliefs in general?
Yes, I feel pretty motivated to try changing other beliefs. I started using the same steps to change other beliefs less formally throughout the week. Just knowing that it was possible to believe something else usually helped pretty significantly.
Did I sense how my mind adopts beliefs and changes them?
I’m not sure. I don’t think I really know how exactly my mind adopts/changes beliefs. I guess through taking action and personal experience? So, maybe I did sense how…
Where and how might I apply my experience in the rest of my life?
I’ll use this experience to help me during the next exercise! I found myself automatically doing it with other beliefs throughout the week, so I think I’ll just continue to improve this skill over time.