Reply To: Exercise 11: Avoid imposing values
#11 Avoid imposing values
(and an update on avoiding NO-BUT-HOWEVER)
NO-BUT-HOWEVER, Dec 28th update note:
After noticing the no-but-however situation for a couple of weeks, I am noticing more situations where I’ve used it and it is more top of mind. I am catching myself and changing my words some of the time but it is not automatic or fully integrated yet. I’ve detected additional circumstances where I’ve not used the specific words but have spoken an implied no-but-however and am now counting those. An example is, ‘We can’t do that’ or ‘we can’t go ahead with that’. It amounts to the same effect on the person to deflate their contribution.
I’ve not been in my usual work circumstances for the past 2 weeks and haven’t had as many conversations or the type of conversations that result in many no-but-however responses. So, I don’t feel I’ve waded into the deep end of this pool yet. I’ve extended the offer to my group to pay them $5 each time they catch me up to the end of January so I expect it will be much more intense in the coming weeks. I’ve developed a que card to tally the times in the moment when I’ve let the words slip out. I am also going to attempt to tally the times when I catch myself before using the words as a means of creating a positive reward for this behaviour change.
AVOIDING IMPOSING VALUE-JUDGEMENTS: HOW DID IT GO?
I’ve come to realize how pervasive value-judgement words like good, better, best, needs improvement, unsatisfactory, poor, insufficient, bad are used in companies and specifically in the context of yearly performance appraisals which I’ve been completing through November-December, the act of soliciting feedback from stakeholders, reporting on project outcomes, senior leader town halls where they are recognizing safety and operational results and 1 on 1 meetings with employees, to name a few circumstances.
I feel like the whole organization runs as a big judgement machine. It is going to take some time to change my behaviour. I have particular trouble with good, better, perfect, great rolling off my tongue as encouragement for employees and groups I interact with. This is an open question I have about how to stick handle performance rating and feedback because it is essentially a value-judgement exercise. You could talk about outcomes of a project having met all of the requirements but that is not very inspiring. People crave positive personal feedback and get too little of it so I’m not sure yet what the solution is. Going to have to look into this further.
What I’m doing to effect this change
1. I’ve started listing additional value judgement words to watch out for and am up to 26 so far.
2. I am keeping score on when I use the words in a judgement circumstance as a positive measure of how much I can improve my communication style.
3. I am noticing when others use these words to practice how I would say it differently.
4. I am flipping some of my judgement statements into questions. For example, ‘instead of saying, you did a great job on that project’, asking, ‘How did you do on this project and tell me about some of your biggest learnings and achievements’
5. Thinking ahead to differentiate judging statements from my mental state statements.
REFLECTION:
1. What fraction of my value-imposing words do you think you caught?
Not sure this is a useful question to try to quantify the value imposing cases at this stage so I will answer it this way, I am catching more value-imposing words this week than I was in the weeks before. My interaction with people over the last 2 weeks was not the usual so much fewer conversations had relevance to this exercise. I know I use a handful of certain value judgement words a lot so the real test will be in the coming weeks when back in my usual environment. I’m telling some people what I’m up to so they can catch me to help make the change go faster.
2. Did you notice changes to other’ reactions?
Minor differences noticed if any at this stage. Some positive responses to my, ‘I like what you did there’ statements.
3. How do you imagine the different responses feel?
I don’t know, warm and gooey inside? Many people are habituated to hearing certain judgement responses so it is going to take a while. I’m hoping as I practice this skill people will feel appreciated more and judged less.
4. How did you express yourself without using these words?
Turned my value-judgement statement into a question to them about how they feel about the topic in question. I’m using I like and I appreciate a lot more. I need to come up with more mental state responses.
5. Do you think others noticed a difference?
Not really sure as I have not been interacting with my usual interaction group over the past 2 weeks. I am going to let it run for a while and ask for feedback.
6. Where and how might you apply your experience in the remainder of your life?
Communication happens in all aspects of work, personal, casual, professional life and this is about practicing effective communication so it is probably one of the few universal transferrable skills. Looking forward to making it a superpower for me.