Reply To: Exercise 10: No, But, However
No, but, however
The point wasn’t to avoid being negative or stop using these words altogether. Instead, it was an exercise in avoiding negating people. Before dinner on Sunday I described the exercise to my parents so they could let me know if I slipped up. My dad asked a question and I said “no it’s… oh wow I already did it!”
It’s funny that I use no and but to begin a response so much. I don’t know if I ever respond to people with however. Practicing this provided an opportunity to pay attention to how my thoughts change when listening to others, what I say instead of no and but, how often I slip up, and how people respond differently.
Funnily, I did not live up to the title of this post. There were lots of nos and plenty of buts, too. I simply failed this exercise. There were maybe a handful of times I successfully caught myself before responding with no or but. And maybe another handful where I noticed after saying it. I think there were many more instances where it didn’t even register. That said, having the exercise in mind did make me more aware of the way I respond to people.
What fraction of my no, but, and however responses did I catch?
I would say 5-10.
Did I notice changes in others’ reactions?
No (look! I did it again!) because I didn’t do it enough. Other than my parents laughing at me when I caught myself and said, “oh I just messed up.”
How do I imagine the different responses feel?
I can definitely imagine them feeling better than hearing an immediate negation of whatever they just said. For me, when I remembered, it felt nice to consciously pick a different response.
How else could I begin my responses?
Well, I could begin them in lots of different ways. In general, I think about responding with curiosity and acknowledgment. When I was an educator at Five Rivers, I practiced this a fair bit, actually. I got pretty good at not answering kids’ questions or answers with no. In those cases, I’d say something like, “well, maybe, what makes you think that?” or “that’s a good question, let’s see if we can figure that out!” Doing this was always fun and I could clearly see the difference between telling a kid no and offering them encouragement and a new opportunity to learn. Most kids who got a plain “no” after answering a question would shut down right then and there. They might be totally uninterested for the rest of the lesson.
Do I think others noticed a difference?
I don’t think so given the small number of data points I have.
Where and how might I apply my experience to the rest of my life?
I guess I’ll try again next week!