Exercise 10: No, But, However
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Leadership Step by Step Exercise 10: No, But, However
Reflections:
I think I caught about 20% of my no, but, and however responses. I think ‘but’ and ‘however’ were very easy to avoid, and ‘no’ was the hardest for me. I especially noticed this around texting. I often say ‘no worries’ or ‘no problem’. I didn’t realize that this would count for the exercise, too. I did not notice any changes in others’ reactions, but I imagine the different responses feel affirming, especially if I’m removing negating verbiage. Instead of ‘no worries’ I can begin with ‘all good’ or ‘it’s all good’. And in response to requests, instead of ‘no problem’, I can start with ‘yes, absolutely’. I don’t think others noticed a difference, but perhaps it’s more of a subtle shift that will compound with time.This makes me think of sales psychology about avoiding questions that will result in answers being ‘no’ and instead of using questions that will result in responses beginning with ‘yes’ to factor in the subconscious connotations that we have with the words ‘no’ and ‘yes’. Affirming and negating statements seem to be two sides of the same coin, and leading with affirming phrases can lead to more agreeable interactions overall.
I’ve done a similar exercise where I try to avoid the usage of the word ‘but’ as a connecter and instead, use the word ‘and’ since it can virtually achieve similar outcomes. This is what that exercise makes me think of – a subtle shift in achieving the same goal of clear and effective communication.
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Hey Olivia,
I worked in the activities department at a luxury hotel and one of the first things my boss taught me was to avoid saying “no problem” to guests if they thanked me for anything. She said that by saying “no problem” you imply that it actually was a problem. Funnily, I think the reason I remember this so vividly is because she would ALWAYS respond with “no problem” or “not a problem”!!! That said, I think her advice is valid and useful.
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No, but, however
The point wasn’t to avoid being negative or stop using these words altogether. Instead, it was an exercise in avoiding negating people. Before dinner on Sunday I described the exercise to my parents so they could let me know if I slipped up. My dad asked a question and I said “no it’s… oh wow I already did it!”
It’s funny that I use no and but to begin a response so much. I don’t know if I ever respond to people with however. Practicing this provided an opportunity to pay attention to how my thoughts change when listening to others, what I say instead of no and but, how often I slip up, and how people respond differently.
Funnily, I did not live up to the title of this post. There were lots of nos and plenty of buts, too. I simply failed this exercise. There were maybe a handful of times I successfully caught myself before responding with no or but. And maybe another handful where I noticed after saying it. I think there were many more instances where it didn’t even register. That said, having the exercise in mind did make me more aware of the way I respond to people.
What fraction of my no, but, and however responses did I catch?
I would say 5-10.Did I notice changes in others’ reactions?
No (look! I did it again!) because I didn’t do it enough. Other than my parents laughing at me when I caught myself and said, “oh I just messed up.”How do I imagine the different responses feel?
I can definitely imagine them feeling better than hearing an immediate negation of whatever they just said. For me, when I remembered, it felt nice to consciously pick a different response.How else could I begin my responses?
Well, I could begin them in lots of different ways. In general, I think about responding with curiosity and acknowledgment. When I was an educator at Five Rivers, I practiced this a fair bit, actually. I got pretty good at not answering kids’ questions or answers with no. In those cases, I’d say something like, “well, maybe, what makes you think that?” or “that’s a good question, let’s see if we can figure that out!” Doing this was always fun and I could clearly see the difference between telling a kid no and offering them encouragement and a new opportunity to learn. Most kids who got a plain “no” after answering a question would shut down right then and there. They might be totally uninterested for the rest of the lesson.Do I think others noticed a difference?
I don’t think so given the small number of data points I have.
Where and how might I apply my experience to the rest of my life?
I guess I’ll try again next week! -
Exercise 10: No, But However, by Evelyn Wallace
• What fraction of your no, but, and however responses do you think you caught?
Probably less than half. I spent most of the week at home with my not-quite-sick child (but sick enough to be required to stay home from day care) which means that my audience/ opportunities were limited and I was in a headspace of backpedaling, rescheduling, and working harder than usual to choose gratitude. If I entered other interactions (at the doctor’s office, for example) with consciousness about this exercise, it was easier to catch myself than if I entered interactions with the exercise far from my mind. When the nurse asked if my son was allergic to any medications. “Not that I know of,” I managed to say, wondering if “not” was part of the “no” category? Other times, a whole meeting would go by and at the end of it I found myself thinking “oh, shoot, did I start any sentences with ‘no’ in that hour?”
I also heard other people starting with “no” more often. There was an alumni hour last week where one member wanted to clarify what they heard when another person had spoken, and the first person said “no, no, no, I know you didn’t mean that!” So even though this question doesn’t ask this specifically, I was more aware overall of responses beginning with no, but, or however.
Sometimes when my son asked if he could, say, play with certain kitchen utensils as part of his pretend play, I caught myself saying “no, but you can use the tongs? Does that work?” So I would amend it: “Let me say that better. What if you used the tongs instead?” Other times my son didn’t do the favor of asking, he would just throw something heavy across the room and I found myself saying “NO!” I’m not sure if that qualifies as a “response” or not, but I did recognize my usage of the word in hindsight and challenged myself to find different ways to communicate that his behavior was dangerous or unacceptable.
I also found that in transactional interactions (like when the waiter asked if I wanted another spicy mango margarita), the habit of answering a yes-or-no question with “no” came out of my mouth quickly. Again, as soon as I realized I had said it, I considered what I might say instead. “Not quite yet,” or maybe “thanks for asking! I don’t think I’m ready for another.”
• Did you notice changes in others’ reactions?
Because the person I practiced most with was my four-year-old, I really don’t think he noticed. I’m going to do this exercise again this week; like most habits, the more we practice them, the less energy we need to put into simply remembering to do them. I’m excited to see what unfolds after this “warm up” week.
• How did you imagine the different responses feel?
At the subconscious level, I think even people like servers and restaurants might feel more dignified/ seen if they are being spoken to with more thoughtful verbiage, even if the ultimate answer is the same (i.e. don’t bring me another drink, please!).
• How else could you begin responses?
I answered some of this above, but it depends on the context. If I really am answering a yes or no question, there’s less wiggle room. But if I’m in a board meeting and people are asking if we all feel good about funding our consultant’s monthly airline ticket for him to have a conversation with us that could have just as easily been had over Zoom, I might start more with “I feel…” or “the way I see it…” types of responses.
• Do you think others noticed a difference?
Not this week. Maybe next week, as I put in more reps?• Where and how might you apply your experience in the rest of your life?
In <The Magic of Facilitation: 11 Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know about Facilitating>, one of the eleven items they lay out is using “and” instead of “but.” They encourage us to acknowledge that many (even conflicting) viewpoints can exist simultaneously and building upon each other instead of tearing one down is best practice for providing a space where group members feel safe opening up. I’ve also heard “but” called “the great eraser.” So I imagine that this exercise will not only help me be more careful with my own build-up language (as opposed to tear-down language), but it will also help me become a better facilitator. Maybe even a better mom? -
#10 Using No, But, However as the initial response to something someone has said to you.
1. What faction do you think you caught?
Don’t really know. I’ve been practicing for quite a while through outside awareness and other advice from communication experts.
Challenged my group to catch me for a $5 reward each time. They asked that the time period be extended from Dec 31 to Jan 31. I said yes and encouraged them to monitor and try to trick me.2. Did you notice changes on other peoples’ reaction?
I didn’t have many opportunities where I was challenged this week. I know the feeling though. You feel dismissed, scolded, shamed. I’ve witnessed several examples where other people essentially shut down someone trying to contribute.
3. How do you think the difference responses felt?
You feel dismissed, scolded, shamed.4. How else could you begin your responses?
With a question, Tell me more, That’s an interesting point of view, how did you come up with that, could you explain more,5. Do you think others noticed a difference?
Wasn’t in many situations this week where it was noticed. Need to run this experiment for longer.
People do notice though when it happens. Above circumstances I indicated, the group in attendance knew when it happened.6. Where and how might you apply your experience in the remainder of your life?
Communication, relationship building, leadership,-
ADDENDUM: If we are going to talk about the impact of no, but, however used in the form where they shut people down then we need to think about other words like starting with ‘you’ and implied shuts downs. For example, ‘You didn’t do that how it is supposed to be’
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Dec 28th update note to NO-BUT-HOWEVER:
After noticing the no-but-however situation for a couple of weeks, I am catching more situations where I’ve used it and it is more top of mind. I am catching myself and changing my words some of the time but it is not automatic or fully integrated yet. I’ve detected additional circumstances where I’ve not used the words but have spoken an implied no-but-however and am now counting those. An example is, ‘We can’t do that’ or ‘we can’t go ahead with that’. It amounts to the same effect on the person to deflate their contribution.
I’ve not been in my usual work circumstances for the past 2 weeks and haven’t had as many conversations or the type of conversations that result in many no-but-however responses. So, I don’t feel I’ve waded into the deep end of this pool yet. I’ve extended the offer to my group to pay them $5 each time they catch me up to the end of January so I expect it will be much more intense in the coming weeks.
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No, But, However
What fraction of your no, but, and however responses do you think you caught?
I think I caught a small fraction of them, but I don’t know what that might be. I found that I was more aware of the “energy” of “but” or “no” and was unsure whether I had said the words or not.
Did you notice changes in others’ reactions?
It was in reactions that I ended up asking myself if I had used the word. A friend was giving me information and a recommendation for a house sharing site that I felt unlikely to use. When he started speaking with more emphasis and arguing strongly for my considering it, I asked myself if I had said “no” or “but” and I didn’t know if I had or not, but he acted like what I imagined he would IF I had used those words.
How do you imagine the different responses feel?
I’m not sure I understand this question, but I think in the example above, once I realized he was feeling the need to vigorously suggest the site, I took a curious point of view and his energy changed.
How else could you begin your responses?
“What if…”
“I was thinking…..”
“I wonder…..”
“What do you think about….”
“Sometimes it might be…..”Do you think others noticed a difference?
I don’t think I was aware of doing it often enough to answer that. In the example above, his energy did change when I consciously changed my “posture” of “but”.
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Reflection #10 – No, But, However
For the tenth exercise of Leadership Step By Step, I had a deceivingly simple task: do not start sentences with the words “no”, “but”, or “however.” The goal of which was to become more self-aware of how you interact with people and specifically, whether you are communicating in a way that is detrimental to relationship-building.
What does a good conversation involve? An interesting topic? A solid variety of opinions? Open mindedness of the people involved? I think there are many factors that contribute to an interesting and engaging conversation, but one of the most important is just having two people who are genuinely curious about the topic, specifically the other person’s opinions on it. When you engage in a conversation with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand someone else (especially when they have an opposing opinion to yours), it leads you to ask questions that “open the door” to deeper, more meaningful conversations. And more importantly, it starts to signal to the other person that you’re interested in them and as a consequence, starts to build trust – even if their opinion is polar opposite to yours. That is where the value of this exercise lives: it’s not just an exercise in awareness of speech, it’s an exercise that helps you to build better relationships.
This exercise is one that was actually recommended to me years ago by Josh himself, to help me with hosting a podcast and interviewing guests. And while I can’t say that I’ve completely mastered the skill, I’ve definitely become much better than I was back then. I have now gotten to the point where I catch about 95% of my sentences that might have started with no, but, or however. Over the years, I’ve also been able to see what happens when you start a sentence with no, but, or however: it immediately incites defensiveness, disconnection from the conversation, and also something personal – maybe a feeling of hurt? I can also tell that this exercise has really taken root in my social interactions since I now also feel the sting when others do it to me. When I hear someone respond to something I say with “But…”, I immediately feel like “They’re not even listening to me. They were just waiting for their turn to talk.” After being fed a “no, but, however” statement, I myself have felt the impulse to want to get defensive and tell them why they’re wrong before I’ve even heard what they’re going to say. It made me want to disconnect from a conversation and turn it into a “who’s right, who’s wrong” debate.
I think the people I talk to have also noticed a difference, if only subconsciously. When I avoid starting sentences with “no, but, however”, it almost naturally leads to a feeling of curiosity – if I can’t start with why they’re wrong, I start thinking about how to engage on details of what they’re saying, which in turn leads to the other person feeling cared for and heard. Once someone feels heard, they start to open up and trust, which further leads to deeper, more meaningful conversations.
I will say there are some ways in which I feel like I’ve cheated to get out of starting sentences with “no, but, however”. Depending on how invested I want to be in the conversation, I may just say “I see what you mean, but…” instead of just saying “but” from the start. The way I’ve come to think about it is pretty simple: if the person I’m talking to and the conversation I’m having are things that I appreciate, I make it a point to actually listen and try to understand them instead of negating something they’re saying, even if I disagree.
This exercise is one that I think everyone should do at least once, for at least a week. It’s a great exercise in self-awareness, working on your conversational skills, and developing better relationships.
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