Reply To: Exercise 10: No, But, However
Exercise 10: No, But However, by Evelyn Wallace
• What fraction of your no, but, and however responses do you think you caught?
Probably less than half. I spent most of the week at home with my not-quite-sick child (but sick enough to be required to stay home from day care) which means that my audience/ opportunities were limited and I was in a headspace of backpedaling, rescheduling, and working harder than usual to choose gratitude. If I entered other interactions (at the doctor’s office, for example) with consciousness about this exercise, it was easier to catch myself than if I entered interactions with the exercise far from my mind. When the nurse asked if my son was allergic to any medications. “Not that I know of,” I managed to say, wondering if “not” was part of the “no” category? Other times, a whole meeting would go by and at the end of it I found myself thinking “oh, shoot, did I start any sentences with ‘no’ in that hour?”
I also heard other people starting with “no” more often. There was an alumni hour last week where one member wanted to clarify what they heard when another person had spoken, and the first person said “no, no, no, I know you didn’t mean that!” So even though this question doesn’t ask this specifically, I was more aware overall of responses beginning with no, but, or however.
Sometimes when my son asked if he could, say, play with certain kitchen utensils as part of his pretend play, I caught myself saying “no, but you can use the tongs? Does that work?” So I would amend it: “Let me say that better. What if you used the tongs instead?” Other times my son didn’t do the favor of asking, he would just throw something heavy across the room and I found myself saying “NO!” I’m not sure if that qualifies as a “response” or not, but I did recognize my usage of the word in hindsight and challenged myself to find different ways to communicate that his behavior was dangerous or unacceptable.
I also found that in transactional interactions (like when the waiter asked if I wanted another spicy mango margarita), the habit of answering a yes-or-no question with “no” came out of my mouth quickly. Again, as soon as I realized I had said it, I considered what I might say instead. “Not quite yet,” or maybe “thanks for asking! I don’t think I’m ready for another.”
• Did you notice changes in others’ reactions?
Because the person I practiced most with was my four-year-old, I really don’t think he noticed. I’m going to do this exercise again this week; like most habits, the more we practice them, the less energy we need to put into simply remembering to do them. I’m excited to see what unfolds after this “warm up” week.
• How did you imagine the different responses feel?
At the subconscious level, I think even people like servers and restaurants might feel more dignified/ seen if they are being spoken to with more thoughtful verbiage, even if the ultimate answer is the same (i.e. don’t bring me another drink, please!).
• How else could you begin responses?
I answered some of this above, but it depends on the context. If I really am answering a yes or no question, there’s less wiggle room. But if I’m in a board meeting and people are asking if we all feel good about funding our consultant’s monthly airline ticket for him to have a conversation with us that could have just as easily been had over Zoom, I might start more with “I feel…” or “the way I see it…” types of responses.
• Do you think others noticed a difference?
Not this week. Maybe next week, as I put in more reps?
• Where and how might you apply your experience in the rest of your life?
In <The Magic of Facilitation: 11 Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know about Facilitating>, one of the eleven items they lay out is using “and” instead of “but.” They encourage us to acknowledge that many (even conflicting) viewpoints can exist simultaneously and building upon each other instead of tearing one down is best practice for providing a space where group members feel safe opening up. I’ve also heard “but” called “the great eraser.” So I imagine that this exercise will not only help me be more careful with my own build-up language (as opposed to tear-down language), but it will also help me become a better facilitator. Maybe even a better mom?