Ethicist

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Can I Tell My Brother the Truth About Our Paternity?”. I’m 45, living in the United States. My brother is two years older and lives in Australia. Neither of us gets on with our 86-year-old mother, who lives in London. Our father, whom we were both really close to, died in 1985 after a long illness. I was 13, my brother 15, and it affected us very badly with little help from our mother. I recently took a DNA test out of curiosity for the health information and couldn’t understand the result that I was 52 percent Ashkenazi Jewish. As far as I…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “I’m Running for Re-Election. How Honest Do I Have to Be?”. I’m a local official in a small community. I am up for re-election after more than a decade in office. The cost of housing and homelessness are major issues in our area. I work hard to develop new and innovative approaches to problems, but in the case of problems like these, there is little I or my community can do to improve the situation, because of the broader trends in our country. I will do everything I can — set policies, raise taxes for housing and services — and it will help…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Can I Contact the Grandkids I Discovered on a DNA Website?”. I recently found out that I am a grandfather, but I did not find out in the usual way. A few years ago I had my DNA tested using an ancestry website. Some time later, the website showed I was closely related to two other registered users, and I found the person who managed their accounts. By looking that person up on social media, I soon realized the two ancestry-website accounts were probably those of my grandchildren. The first thing I thought was that everyone in my family knew but me. I…

My series answering the New York Times' Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Should I Speak Up About My Client’s Drinking Problem?". I work in the architecture field as a designer, and I meet with clients in their homes and throughout the construction process to select materials and review designs. Over a period of months or even years, you become very familiar with these clients. Beyond their likes and dislikes, you learn a lot about them and their lives. It's usually a very pleasant process; however, a client has presented our firm with an unusual situation. Other professionals and I have often noted that this client (the wife in a heterosexual couple) appears out of it…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “If Two People Claim a Lost Cat, Who Should Get It?”. Driving home late one night, I saw a cat run into the street and get hit by a car. I stopped and picked him up. He had no collar or tag. Our local emergency vet pronounced him in stable condition but wouldn’t keep him because he was a stray: no collar, no tag, no microchip. All local shelters were closed until noon the next day, so I took him home. I posted photos on nextdoor.com that night and on a Facebook “lost pets” page the next morning. When my vet’s office opened,…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Should I Forgo Gay Sex to Donate Blood?”. Recently, I’ve become more curious about sex. I never had a relationship in high school and, out of nervousness, declined some opportunities in college. Later, I had two frightening nonconsensual, nonpenetrative encounters. When I sought help, I was advised that I take the time to explore my sexuality as part of my healing process. I think I might be ready to act, but as a man who anticipates that my partner will also be a man, I’m not sure how to square my sexual desires with my conviction that I should be donating blood. I…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “How Can I Make My Partner’s Parents More Woke?”. My partner’s parents recently visited us in the relatively diverse area of the Northeast where I was raised and work. I am a first-generation Filipino-American. My partner’s parents grew up in the white suburbia of the Midwest. During their visit, they casually dropped some microaggressions. His mother said that she “could tell Filipinos apart” from other Asians (though she can’t tell Chinese, Japanese and Koreans apart). I told her that not even I could tell them apart given the diverse phenotypes in the region. His father later confused my sister with another Filipina, and…

My series answering the New York Times' Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Should I Tell My Siblings About Mom's Affair?". My mother died 18 years ago. Before she died, she told me about an affair of many years' duration with a family friend. Learning about this made me re-evaluate my parents' relationship and the decisions they made. My father is also dead, and I have been struggling with whether this information is something my siblings have the right to know, or whether it is not my place to share what she told me. Name Withheld My response: We've all experienced trying to help someone only to find what we meant to help got the other…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “What Do I Owe My Sociopathic Sibling?”. My sibling, who is my only living relative, is currently incarcerated. The crimes committed were quite serious, involving major breaches of trust but not violence. After having been imprisoned for about a decade, my sibling may be released soon. Because of a substantial difference in our ages, we did not grow up together. As adults, we lived in different cities. Once our parents were gone, we were not part of each other’s lives. At the time of the arrest I hadn’t seen my sibling in years and learned of what happened from television news accounts. If…

My series answering the New York Times' Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Must I Honor My Dads Gifts to Political Groups?. Last summer, I had to tell my father that he had terminal lung cancer. We had an opportunity to make him as comfortable as possible for however much time he might have left, and I encouraged him to focus on that. He begrudgingly agreed. He lived in Florida. I stayed down there with him for a while, and we talked about how to ensure that he would be taken care of and safe. I didn't want him to be the victim of "elder abuse," as the disease progressed and he became increasingly vulnerable. I…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Can a Professor Pay for a Student’s Counseling?”. I’m a professor at a state university. A few years ago, I had a situation with a student that still troubles me. I asked the young woman to see me in my office to discuss her absences from class and her poor performance. She was subdued during the session and said she would do better. But as she was leaving, she turned and said, “Professor, could I close the door and tell you something?” She then proceeded to recount a terrifying experience. In a nutshell, during a summer job, she had been the victim of…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Why Does a Creepy Co-Worker Keep Getting a Pass?”. I’ve been at my job for about a year. The company I work for has grown recently, so there are many new staff members, a majority of whom are young women in their mid-20s, like me. One of my co-workers is a middle-aged man who has been at the company for more than 10 years. He is very socially awkward and can also be difficult to work with. Many colleagues who have been at the company longer than I have say they think he might be on the autism spectrum, and that allowances need…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Should I Tell My Hosts About My Medical Marijuana?”. I have developed a non-life-threatening medical condition that is incurable and has only limited conventional therapy. Symptoms appear at night with torturous pain. The physician-prescribed remedies are not working well. After reviewing online articles and discussion with one physician, I decided to try medical marijuana, which I take in pill form before bed. It has been marginally successful in providing some relief and allowing me to sleep. This is legal in my state, and I have gone through appropriate channels to purchase tablets at an approved dispensary. I will be visiting a number of…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Should I Go to a College I’ve Been Admitted to as a Legacy?”. I am currently a senior in high school and am lucky enough to have been admitted to a prestigious private university. I’m strongly considering attending this school because of its excellent academics and the other opportunities it offers me, and because my family can afford it. Both my parents attended this school at various points, so I’m sure that being a legacy didn’t hurt my application. But I’m worried about the ethics of inserting myself into a system that so many criticize as racist, unfairly influenced by privilege like my…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Can I Make My Company Take a Stand on Guns?”. I live in Europe and work for a company based in the United States. I’m increasingly uncomfortable with the rate of gun violence and mass shootings in the United States, and I would like my company to take a public position. I travel to the United States a few times a year for trainings and meetings. I also travel extensively in Europe. Because of gun violence, the United States is by far the most dangerous country I travel to. The company sponsors charity events but has never taken a position on guns. Most…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “How Can I Make My Colleague Stop Stealing?”. I work at a small college and have a tenured colleague who routinely misuses college funds. He charges the department for expenses that are clearly personal. I’ve heard he buys his kids’ school supplies through the office Staples account, bought two computers for personal use, brings his family to conferences and charges the college for a condo and so on. Recently, he rang up food charges (supposedly for his students) totaling more than $1,000 in a single semester, when the college puts a limit on such spending of a few hundred dollars a year. I…

My series answering the New York Times' Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “What if Our Son's Birth Mother Wants a Relationship With Him --- but Not Us?”. We adopted our son about 25 years ago, when “open adoptions” were still a novel idea. We were fortunate enough to meet and spend time with our son's birth parents and be present at his birth. The parameters of our adoption agreement were solid, albeit tinged with some regret on the part of our son's birth mother. The agreement stipulated that we would send pictures and updates once a year and be open to answering any letters his birth mother sent to the agency. Other rules stated that…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “I’m a 73-Year-Old Cancer Survivor. Can I Accept a Kidney?”. Over the past eight years I underwent two stem-cell transplants, each preceded by intense chemotherapy. My oncologist believes I am probably cured. The chemotherapy damaged my kidneys to the point that I am now on dialysis, and other systems are affected as well. There is also a small but significant risk that other malignancies may occur in the future as a result of the chemotherapy. Kidney-transplant recipients live longer than those on chronic dialysis and generally feel better. They also have a much better quality of life when freed from the logistical constraints…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “I Disapprove of School Vouchers. Can I Still Apply for Them?”. My son attends preschool part time at a private Montessori school, which goes up to middle school. I like the school, and he is very happy there, but I can’t afford to keep him there when he starts kindergarten full time. I believe that free public education is an important aspect of our society. Our local public elementary school is generally considered a decent option, but I worry about how standardized testing has changed the public-school landscape in recent decades. My son is thriving in his current environment, and the approach of…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Should the New Girlfriend of an Awful Ex-Husband Be Warned?”. My sister-in-law was married to a man who looked good on paper and who was very charming. She found out after they were married that he lied to her about his employment history and history of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as about his finances. He had a breakdown soon after their child was born and received a diagnosis for a serious mental illness. When he was unmedicated, he was violent toward her. Even on medication, he has shown no remorse about the destruction he caused. He admitted that he spent the…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Is It O.K. for My Wife’s Shrink to Ask Her to Contact Mine?" My wife and I receive counseling at the same mental health facility but from different therapists. Our issues (as individuals and/or as a couple) are probably not what anyone would consider major. My wife tells me that her therapist suggested that she write a letter to my therapist outlining her (my wife’s) concerns about me. This would pertain to both her feelings about our marriage as well as about my mental state. I’m not sure what my wife might gain from this exercise — but if it helps her, I’m…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Must I Tell My Boss I’m Absent Because of Mental Illness?" I am in treatment (weekly therapy and a drug regimen) for clinical depression and a panic disorder. They are, for the most part, very well managed. However, even the most well managed mental illness has flare-ups, during which I find it difficult to get out of bed, am plagued with suicidal thoughts or am so panicked that I need to take medication to calm my heart rate. When these symptoms are occurring, the idea of being able to work is laughable. These symptoms are not readily understood by my high-powered industry colleagues…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Must I Warn Renters About Our Racist Neighbors?" I have a rental property, and the neighbors next door are extremely racist. We didn’t know this when we bought the house. We have had both white and Hispanic people as renters. The next-door neighbors harassed the Hispanics until they left. The white family had no issues getting along but did hear their racist rants. I cannot legally do anything about this behavior. Am I obligated to tell any prospective renters about this problem? I don’t want people to move in without knowing of it. If I do tell them, how do I phrase it…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Do I Have to Tell My Father About My #MeToo Experience?" In light of the #MeToo movement and all the people coming forward about sexual assault, my father recently asked my sister if she had ever been assaulted. I myself was assaulted by the son of close family friends when I was a child, but I have never told my family about it. I am scared that my father may ask me if I was ever assaulted as he asked my sister. I don’t want to lie to him, but at the same time I’m really not ready to talk about it yet…