Ethicist

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Do I Have to Spring for My Kid to Go to an Elite College?" I dreamed of my daughter attending a “highly selective” university, in part for the door-opening advantages these schools provide. But I recently lost my job, and though my savings can cover my retirement, I have less than I planned on. My daughter is likely to be admitted to a highly selective program but unlikely to receive aid. She could attend a local university essentially for free. The cost for the elite college that she is considering will run close to $300,000. I can cover the tuition, but it would…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Should I Tell on My Cheating Classmates?" In middle school, I witnessed three friends cheating on a test when a teacher was not in the room. I reminded them that we were not supposed to collaborate or use a computer to look up answers. They told me to “lay off.” I was tempted to report them because I value being honest and because we were graded on a curve. But I was also hesitant because they were all admitted into prestigious high schools, and I was afraid that my middle school would have to report the cheating to those high schools. I was…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Is It O.K. to Surprise Someone With a Negative Reference?" This spring, my assistant decided to pursue medical school and quit her job so she could take prerequisite courses. She asked me if I would provide her with a reference, to which I agreed. Her work was competent, if not stellar, and I told her I was happy to give a good reference. It has since become clear that she committed a number of mistakes that cost the company thousands of dollars. She seems to have known and tried to fix what happened, but she never reported the issues, leaving us to discover…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "What if I Don’t Want to See the Child I Gave Up for Adoption?" Many decades ago, I gave up a child in a private adoption. At that time, I was advised never to search for my child (and not even to note the name on the papers), and I was assured that my identity would likewise be kept secret. Over the past decades, I married, divorced and married again. My current husband is aware of this child, as are my children from my first marriage. My parents (both deceased) were not aware, and my only sibling is not aware. I have spent…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Can Autism Make Me a Diversity Hire?" I am an academic barely making a living by working as an adjunct for five or six classes a semester. I realize that while the “arc of history bends toward justice,” as Barack Obama said, paraphrasing Martin Luther King Jr., this doesn’t hold true in individual cases. The movement for greater faculty diversity can mean that I, a white male in the humanities, am less likely to get a full-time job no matter how well I teach or how much I publish. A colleague suggested I use the idea of “neurodiversity” to qualify as a “diversity…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Should I Accept a Cash Reward for Doing the Right Thing?" My 12-year-old son and I found a cellphone in the back seat of a taxi. I called someone on the owner’s contact list who called him who then called me. We met on a convenient corner, and I gave him the phone. He was very appreciative and wanted to give us $40 to express his thanks. My son started to take it. I said: “Thank you, but no thank you. We didn’t do this for a reward.” Trying to explain integrity to my son, however, has been very difficult. He doesn’t see…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “What if My Mother’s Extramarital Cravings Are Linked to Dementia?" My mother is in her mid-50s, which is the time at which people can develop frontotemporal degeneration (FTD), a form of dementia she is at risk for. Symptoms of FTD include a lack of inhibition or social tact and unusual verbal, physical or sexual behavior. My father and I have at times worried that she may be exhibiting the beginnings of other symptoms. A few years ago, she consulted with a doctor, but no diagnosis was made. I think it is pertinent to note that there is currently no cure for FTD. She…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “We Sponsor Refugees. What to Do About Their Patriarchal Ways?" I am a member of a group that has sponsored a family of refugees from rural Syria. When the family arrived, group members signed up all four children — two boys and two girls — for soccer programs. Various group members also offered to drive the kids to soccer, only to find that on nights when the girls were to participate, the parents always made some excuse about why their daughters couldn’t go. It didn’t take long for us to realize that in their family, girls aren’t allowed to participate in programs outside…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Can I Talk to My Dad About His Affair?" My mother recently let slip that my father had an affair several years ago. I’m the oldest sibling in a family that I have always considered extremely close. The news was a devastating shock. Immediately after her disclosure, my mother told me that I could never tell my father that I knew. She insisted that the counseling they went through afterward resulted in a much happier marriage. Apparently, they decided to keep it a secret; only one other sibling knows. Since I learned of his affair, my interactions with my father have felt stilted.…

My series answering the New York Times’ Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with “Should Buyers Be Told About the Killer Next Door?" I live in a one-family house adjacent to the house of a family whose son was a serial killer 25 years ago. He was 20 at the time and killed two people. He was recently released and now lives there. My son will inherit our house after us and plans to live elsewhere closer to work. He wonders if he is morally obliged to inform prospective buyers about the neighbor’s history. Name Withheld My response: Your didn't ask if you have a legal obligation, which sounds like the relevant question here. If the law…

My series answering the New York Times' Ethicist column with an active, leadership approach instead of an analytical, philosophical perspective continues with "Should I Keep Working for a Raging Bigot?" I am a graduate student in a program designed to prepare you for a career working with rare books and manuscripts. I have a job as an assistant to an antiquarian bookseller. It is just the two of us, and he pays me very well, allows me to work the hours I want, gives me a good deal of responsibility and is willing to give me in-depth training. He is, however, racist, homophobic, transphobic, bigoted and sexist. I am very liberal and find his ideas on many subjects to be repugnant. Though I have asked…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, here is my take on today’s post, “Can I Let My Friend Pay Off My Mortgages?" My closest American friend here in Japan, of more than 30 years, is worried about me and wants to pay off my mortgages. He says he doesn’t want to be paid back; he just wants to make sure I am out of debt before he dies. He is not dying, but he is 98. He has been mentioning this more and more, and says he wants to write a check the next time we meet. I never talk about this with him unless he brings up the subject. The amount he would give me would come to…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, here is my take on today’s post, “My Wife Is Done With Sex. Can I Turn Elsewhere?" I am in my mid-60s and have been happily married for decades. I have always been a very sexual person and consider myself healthy and normal, though at one end of the bell curve. A few years ago, my wife’s health worsened, and she declared herself no longer interested in sex of any kind. I continue to cherish her, but find the lack of sexual intimacy exceedingly difficult. I asked her permission to seek a friendly but not competitive sexual relationship elsewhere. There are many ethical issues already, but I wish to address another. In my…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, here is my take on today’s post, “Can I Turn In a Bad Fraternity at My Son’s College?" My son is on his college football team. Most of the football team is in a fraternity known for its boorishness; it prides itself on disparaging other frats and behaving badly. My son wisely chose not to join it, opting instead for a fraternity that appears to be serious about teaching ethical behavior to its members. One of my son’s teammates joined the “football frat.” During the hazing process, the young man was severely injured and had to quit the football team. He also quit the fraternity and joined my son’s fraternity. My question is…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, here is my take on today’s post, "Should I Reveal That My Dad Pretended to Be a Vietnam Vet?" When he was alive, my father sometimes talked of his military service during the Vietnam War. He would oscillate between being open about details and not wanting to speak of his experience. Despite not having any “war buddies,” photographs or other tangible memorabilia, he offered enough details about his service (locations, activities and the name of a friend who was killed in front of him) that my siblings, as well as his friends, his wife and his wife’s family, believed he was a veteran. My mother and I, however, were never sure he was…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, here is my take on today’s post, “My Nanny Has a Gambling Problem. Can I Fire Her?" I recently discovered that one of my live-in nannies has a serious gambling problem. Now I know why she always comes home way past curfew and is always short of money. I have never witnessed her stealing anything from us, and our children are very attached to her, but she is four years away from retirement, and I fear the day will come when she realizes she has no savings and will do something drastic. My friends are telling me to fire her, that it’s not worth the risk. But I feel I would be penalizing…