Ethicist

kContinuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Can I Keep a Baby My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want?" I am 38 and accidentally pregnant. It turns out my boyfriend does not ever want children, never mind after just a few months of dating; he wants me to have an abortion. I am pro-choice and not attached to what has begun to grow inside me. I had hoped to fall in love with a man and have a child with him, but I am well aware that I’m running out of time. While I’m apparently quite fertile, as time goes on the odds of getting pregnant get tougher, and there are enormous costs…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Is It O.K. to Protest Trump by Withholding Taxes?" I am increasingly distressed by many of the things that the Trump administration is, and is not, doing. The president himself has declared that not paying taxes ‘‘makes him smart,’’ and I do not trust that my federal tax dollars will be put to good use. I want to resist the president, his cronies and their destructive agenda(s) any way I can. Assuming I am willing to bear the legal and financial risks of being audited and caught, would it be ethical for me to redirect some or all of my federal taxes to…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, "Is It O.K. to Fire a Muslim Driver for Refusing to Carry Wine?" I hired a limo service to drive me to a dinner party at a friend’s house. On the way, I remembered that I was supposed to bring the wine. I spotted a shop and asked the driver to pull over. When we arrived at my friend’s house, I asked the driver if he would help me carry the wine, because I had another bag to carry. He refused, on the grounds that he was a Muslim and was not allowed to touch alcohol. So of course, I carried the wine…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Should I Tell Someone His Father-in-Law Is a Child Molester?" Many years ago, my middle-school science teacher was arrested and jailed for sexually molesting a female student. He was about 40 at the time, with a wife and several children, both biological and adopted. I knew the victim fairly well and was friends with two of her siblings. I spent a lot of time at their house, which was just down the road from mine. The science teacher drove the victim to a remote rural area near where I lived. This happened more than once. Eventually he was arrested and sent to jail…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Should I Report the Biased Remarks of a Campus Cop?" I am a graduate student at a prestigious university in the rural United States. On a recent evening, I found myself locked out of my campus office after the administrative staff in the building had left for the day. Sheepishly, I called the campus police for help, and soon after, an officer — a white man, probably in his 60s — showed up with the master keys. Because I felt bad about using police resources for such a silly oversight, I was apologetic and very friendly. He opened the door and then asked…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Does My Ex Owe Something to Our Grown Children?" After 25 years of marriage and three children, my husband and I divorced. He was a former seminarian and a pro-life Catholic when we married. He insisted on no birth control. When we divorced, he was a lawyer and vice president of a Fortune 500 company. I did not receive any spousal support, but he promised he would always be there for the children. I worked hard and was always able to take care of myself. I felt guilty about the divorce and never asked for more. Shortly after our divorce, my ex-husband remarried…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Should You Expose a Charity That Exploits Its Employees?" I recently began training for a staff position at a nonprofit that offers services to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. I was very happy to be offered this position, particularly in light of the current political climate. The job required several weeks of training, followed by on-the-job training, to become state-certified. When filling out payroll paperwork, I asked when we would receive our first paycheck. I was told that we wouldn’t until the training was complete, including the on-the-job time. I asked the staff person if she was aware this was illegal…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Can Dad Bring His Second Wife to Mom’s Funeral?" My question is whether it’s appropriate for Woman B, who broke up Woman A’s marriage, to attend Woman A’s funeral. My dad planned to bring his second wife, with whom he had an affair before he left my mother (after 35 years of marriage), to my mom’s funeral. I thought it was inappropriate for her to be there; my mother disliked and resented Woman B for the rest of her life, even though my mother eventually remarried. To me, it seemed wrong that Woman B be among the many people at the service honoring…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Should I Get a Pet From a No-Kill Shelter?" I recently experienced the loss of a much-loved pet. I am looking into getting a new cat or cats. My dilemma is where: 1. A no-kill animal shelter; 2. A shelter that euthanizes animals if there are too many. Do I opt for the kill shelter — thereby saving lives? Or support the no-kill shelter? M. Watkin, Cobden, Ill. My response: Why are you asking someone else? Are you a child? Haven't you learned to decide and act for yourself? Some people think one solution is best, others think the other. I'm sure others…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Does Confining Deplorable Remarks to Your Home Make Them All Right?" My husband and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, which has often made for interesting conversation. We have been married for more than 20 years. He has many wonderful attributes and has been a supportive husband and father. However, I am disturbed when he makes comments that are racist (linking skin color to a store’s clientele) or classist (saying that “scholarship” students have no right to criticize their college, or that “scholarship” students at a private school, not those who pay “full freight,” should have the student teacher). When…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, "Is It O.K. to Marry an Amnesiac?" My sister suffered a brain injury two years ago that left her with severe short-term memory loss. She has made a very good recovery, but she still requires full-time supervision and cannot work. On a typical day, she wakes up unable to remember how old she is, what city she lives in or what she did the previous day. Thankfully, she has retained most of her original personality; however, she is very easily confused, and her maturity level is similar to when she was a teenager. About a year ago, a distant friend of our family…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Is It O.K. That Our Friends Are Constantly Suing People?" Close friends of our family have been plaintiffs in a number of lawsuits in the past few years. This litigious trend seems to have begun after financial strain caused by health issues and a string of bad luck with their small business. They sued a local arts charity and our synagogue after being employed briefly at these organizations. The details of these two suits are murky, but we do know that a sizable — but not life-changing — sum was garnered from each suit. They have also tried five or six other lawsuits…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, "My Friend Is Bankrupting Herself. Should I Speak Up?" I’ve been friends with “Cindy” for 15 years. She’s in her early 60s and never married. Because of job stress, she took early retirement and lives on a reduced pension. Despite not having a lot of money, she is generous, spoiling her family and friends with gifts. Two years ago she became romantically involved with a man, “Sean,” who was bankrupt and homeless. He started staying with her right after they met. Cindy reveled in having a lover for the first time in 30 years. Sean helped her lose weight and exercise. However, he…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "What Should You Do With Your Father's Nazi Keepsake?" A few years ago, before my father died, my two brothers and I were going through his things with him. He wanted to have some say in where his belongings went. We agreeably found a home for most of the things: Brother No. 2 has children; Brother No. 3 and I have no children. When it came to my father's World War II box, which had not been opened for years, we thought it best to give his Bronze Star, Purple Heart and other military decorations to Brother No. 2, so they could be…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “Should a Family Member Expose Their Niece’s Fake Food Allergy?" My brother and I suspect that our sister-in-law has either embellished the extent of our niece’s food allergy or made it up completely. The same holds true for the child’s “asthma.” Our brother, who is married to the mom in question, is not one to make waves. They live across the country from us, so we do not see them often, and when we do it’s usually not conducive to discussing this. This little girl — home-schooled and an only child — only knows what her parents tell her. There is much joy…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, "Should You Tell Uber Your Driver Was High?" While traveling with my daughter and granddaughters, I booked an Uber car to go to the airport. When I got in the car, I smelled marijuana. Because we were running late and there was a lot of traffic, I stayed in the car, though my instinct was to get out and order a taxi. The woman’s driving was not good, and when we arrived at the airport, I told her that she shouldn’t smoke weed when driving passengers. She denied doing it, and when I told her that her car smelled, she said it must…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, "Can Therapists Fake Their Own Online Reviews?" I am caught between competing ethical requirements. I am a mental-health professional with substantial experience; some people call me an expert. I recently expanded my private-practice hours. To increase patient numbers, I joined an online referral service (at considerable expense). Here’s where the ethical dilemma comes in: Like most “locator” sites, the service includes “customer” ratings. The site reps instructed me to have current patients complete the ratings. My professional training (I’m a psychotherapist) made it very clear that it is a big no-no to solicit testimonials from patients; doing so can badly interfere with the…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “What’s a Liberal to Do When His Spouse Is a Trump Zealot?" My wife and I have been married for more than 30 years. We have always had political differences — she leans right, while I lean left — but that has never prevented us from amicably discussing politics. However, all this changed during the recent presidential campaign, and particularly after the election of Donald Trump. She has become an ardent, nearly fanatical Trump supporter, reacting to any criticism of him, no matter how benign, with vitriol. She now says she “hates” all liberals, all Democrats and, particularly, Barack Obama. I am weary…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Can a Researcher Studying an Alzheimer's Treatment Try It on Himself?" I'm an older scientist who has spent decades leading a small laboratory at a well-known medical center. Much of our work is purely for the joy of discovery, but we also seek badly needed cures for illnesses. A cure for Alzheimer's disease is beginning to look attainable with technology we are pioneering. While investigating genes for early-onset Alzheimer's, we invented a gene-transfer method that stopped the brain damage and restored cognitive function. Eureka! Sadly, my doctor has just given me a diagnosis of early-stage Alzheimer's. Given that no truly effective treatment is…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, "What to Do About a Co-Worker Who Drinks on the Job?" A co-worker of mine has recently adopted the habit of having a glass of wine at lunch. She is the only one of our small group who drinks alcohol at lunch; others of our group find this behavior quite odd or even outright wrong. I have not said anything to my co-worker about this and have written it off as a peculiarity. But now I have learned that she is drinking surreptitiously at her desk in the afternoon. I have no way of knowing how intoxicated she is when she leaves the…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, "Should You Report a Green-Card Marriage?" I am an American living abroad and working as a consultant for a U.S. government-funded project. I am not a full-time government employee, but technically my fees come from U.S. taxpayer money. I was recently invited to the wedding of a local acquaintance, a citizen of the country where I live, who was marrying another citizen of that country, someone who has U.S. citizenship. I was unable to attend the ceremony but ran into the bride a month later at a social event. When I congratulated her, she explained to me that the recent marriage was a…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, “What Should a Congregation Have Told a Betrayed Wife?" I was a member of a Christian congregation for many years. A married father of two children started helping a widow in the parish. Evidently, they later started seeing each other. His wife thought something was up, and she asked people in the congregation whom she considered friends if they knew anything. Everyone denied knowing anything. The father ended up divorcing his wife and marrying the widow. The wife subsequently found out that some of the people she had asked about the situation had lied to her face, even as she was breaking down…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times’, The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today’s post, "Can I Out My Ex-Husband to His Girlfriend?" Should I anonymously send a copy of the ad my ex-husband has on a gay-bi-fetish website to his current girlfriend (or more appropriately, beard) to prevent her from discovering too late what took me 15 years to uncover? My ex has at least two personal ads on two gay-bi-fetish websites. I know for a fact that while he has been dating her, he has met at least one man in a motel room in another state. I am not being malicious in wanting to let her know; my concern is that if her daughter becomes…