Ethicist

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Is It O.K. to Take a Gender-Non-Conforming Child to North Carolina?" For the past 10 years, my husband's family has convened for an annual summer reunion at a beach house in North Carolina. It's great fun for the many young cousins who attend, and our two children spend the year looking forward to it. Our 6-year-old child, J.G., is gender-nonconforming. We had been in denial about this fact until several months ago, when J.G. articulated to us how scary and demeaning this felt. We are now out in the open about…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "How Do I Explain to My Evangelical Relatives Why I Avoid Family Functions?" I grew up in a strict evangelical home and participated in our church as a child without fully understanding its principles. As an adult, I don't subscribe to any religion. My immediate family, however, continues to be deeply religious and very much adheres to what I now believe are extreme views. They are, of course, free to worship as they please. I, however, take issue with the hypocrisy in their own lives. For example, they are strongly anti-choice,…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Must I Tell My Long-Distance Boyfriend I Met Someone Else?" I have been with my boyfriend for several years, and I love him very much. We each decided to study abroad for the spring semester of our junior year and have found ourselves on opposite ends of the globe. We will be apart for almost six months, with only intermittent access to the phone and Internet. Before we left, we agreed that it would be best to temporarily open our relationship. We wanted to fully enjoy our respective experiences and take…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Is It O.K. to Get a Dog From a Breeder, Not a Shelter?" I got my wonderful, loving dog from a reputable breeder about eight years ago, but sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't adopt a shelter dog instead. When I consider that her life span is already more than half over, I suspect that I will eventually get another dog. When I do, I'm sure I will go to a breeder again. (I won't get into the reasons for this, although there are many.) Is this ethical? Is it…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Must Suspicions About Personal Health Be Shared With an Insurer?" I have Parkinson's disease — at least, I think I do. I have a slight tremor in my right hand, my posture is becoming more stooped and I have a diminished sense of smell. I have not spoken about this with a physician. I have discussed it with a couple of other people who have the disease. I'm 70 years old, and I have decided to apply for long-term-care insurance. If I am correct about my Parkinson's, I am statistically at…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Should a Friend Have Been Told That His Date Was H.I.V. Positive?" More than 30 years ago, five years or so into a world shaped by AIDS, I had two friends. One of them, "Dean," was coming to New York City for a job interview; he didn't know anyone in the city and was planning on being there for a few days near Christmas. He was 24, smart and ambitious. The other man, "Bill," was the last lover of a man named "Colin," who was my first love. Colin didn't tell…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Can a Young Woman Vote at Her Swing-State College?" Our daughter just celebrated her 18th birthday and is excited about being able to vote. She is active politically and has strong opinions about many social and political issues. She is considering majoring in political science at the college she will attend later this year. She believes her vote may be more valuable in the swing state where she will attend college than in her home state, which is considered a lock for national and state elections. Is it ethical for her…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Must a Mental Illness Be Revealed on a First Date?" I have struggled with mental illness, off and on, for most of my life. It can be debilitating and has resulted in numerous hospitalizations. I also have extensive scarring on my arms from self-harm episodes. But I have a successful career and fully support myself; most people who know me have no idea that I am mentally ill. After ending a decade-long relationship, I am now thinking of dating again. My question is: At what point do I disclose my mental…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Should a Nephew Be Told Who His Real Father Is?" My sister has told me that her son is not the biological son of her husband. His sperm count was very low; she was having an affair and became pregnant. The son looks not like his father but like the other man. Her son (he is now middle-aged) doesn't know, and her husband (they're now divorced) doesn't, either. Recently, when my sister had a health crisis, she told the other man for the first time, asking him not to tell anyone.…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "What Do You Owe the Friends You Unwittingly Scammed?" Several years ago, a friend of mine encouraged her friends, including me, to buy what turned out to be fraudulent securities. This friend believed the securities were legal, but they were part of a large fraud enterprise resulting in a loss of millions to hundreds of investors. As an agent, she arranged for her friends to buy some $250,000 of these investments. The perpetrators of the fraud are being brought to trial this year, but it appears that about half the money…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Must a Woman Confront a Bigoted In-Law?" My father-in-law is quietly racist, sexist and anti-gay. He was kind enough to offer me a job at his firm. I had previously voiced my (respectful) dissent, but this became tiring when I saw him every day. I began to ignore his comments but felt guilty, because I believe that silence equals complicity. One day, after he said something particularly mean and I said nothing, I assuaged my guilt by making a donation to Planned Parenthood. Since then, I've adopted a strategy of donating…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Should Parents Reveal That a Father at Their Child's School Is a Sex Offender?" My daughter goes to a public elementary school. Recently, one of the parents in our class discovered that a fellow parent, the father of a girl in my daughter's class, was arrested in an undercover police operation for soliciting an underage female prostitute. Details of the undercover operation were posted online. He agreed to pay for sex with the underage prostitute, who would come to his house while his young children were asleep and his wife was…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post,"Should I Help My Sister End Her Life?" I have a 50-year-old sibling with multiple medical conditions (uncontrolled epilepsy, a stroke that left her physically and mentally impaired, paranoid schizophrenia, to name a few) that have left her isolated and miserable. My 80-plus-year-old parents are her caretakers. She has the very best doctors, social workers and therapists — but none can give her a fulfilling life. She calls me crying every night, often threatening to commit suicide, a threat she has tried to make good on dozens of times. I'm struggling to…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Should I Tell Mom I Think Dad Was Gay?" I think my father, who died 10 years ago, was gay or preferred men, but I have no proof. I base my suspicion mostly on the way he looked at people, some magazine subscriptions and one conversation. I came out to my parents in the 1970s, while home from college. That same night, my father took me aside and confided that before his marriage he had an affair with a man but got psychological help and was ''cured.'' He hoped I would…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Is It O.K. to Go to Work While Sick and Sneezing?" I work for a company that doles out a paltry amount of sick days and paid time off. Because I was nearing the end of the year and had already put in a holiday vacation request and bought plane tickets, I hung on to one day to last the rest of the year. I caught a bit of a sniffle but soldiered through work because I wanted to keep from using my final day, just in case of a true…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Must I Pretend to Like My Artist Friend's Work?" A good friend of ours is an aspiring painter. Recently she held an exhibition at her studio of her latest efforts. We love her, but we're not fans of her art, which is definitely a work in progress. She invited us to her ''party,'' but we knew that if we attended, we'd be expected to buy one of her paintings, which cost a few hundred dollars each. She's struggling and could use the money, but here's our question: Are we obliged, out…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "What Should I Have Done After an I.V.F. Mix-Up?" I continue to struggle with decisions I made many years ago following an in vitro mix-up. The technology was then relatively new. I became pregnant with another couple's child because of the negligence of the medical staff during the transfer of embryos from the petri dish to my womb. The mistake was discovered when the nurse called me by the wrong name as I was wheeled out of the operating room. I asked my husband to make sure our embryos were not…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Should I Marry the Son of a Crook?" I have been dating someone for quite some time, and we have been discussing getting married. I love him dearly, and I can see spending the rest of my life with him. But a lingering issue has recently been causing me some doubt about our future. His father spent time in jail for stock manipulation and embezzling money from his company. I have always considered myself to be an ethical person (perhaps to a fault), and his father's criminal history makes me uncomfortable.…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Should My Rich Friends Apply for Financial Aid?" Close friends of mine are raising four young children in a city with an extremely high cost of living. Not a small feat. They are not millionaires, but they are not poor either. Because of the school zone in which they live, they prefer to send their children to a private school, where tuition is upward of $27,000 per year per child. They made the situation work when only two children were of school age, but in the next academic year, there will…

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Can My Workplace Ask Me for a Donation?" Every year, members of the faculty and staff at my university are asked to make a donation to support the university. Letters and brochures are sent by mail and email and posted on the website. The request is sent just before the end of the fiscal year, when all employees are under review for performance and raises. The gifts are not anonymous; the university has a list of those who give and in what amount. A posted comment from one of the campaign…