[Hayden Kessinger]

Beth,

I think playfulness is underrated and under-utilized! Thanks for including it 🙂

[Hayden Kessinger]

Evelyn,

It’s inspiring and helpful to read about your successes and thought processes around changing beliefs. Can I do the same thing? Absolutely. Why not!?

[Hayden Kessinger]

Jim,

Thank you for writing (and discussing in class) the statement that “Our minds will constantly look for proof to validate and strengthen them.”

I’ve known this for a while but it’s great to be reminded over and over. You’re absolutely right, we our beliefs to keep us safe (even when they do the opposite!).

[Hayden Kessinger]

Thank you!

It’s always a pleasure to chat with you, Beth.

[Hayden Kessinger]

Hi Diane,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with a great level of detail and reflection. It was lovely to spend time with you during class for the past 8 weeks. I hope to continue getting to know you through the alumni community!

[Hayden Kessinger]

Practicing to become a cathedral builder

For many years I’ve tried changing my beliefs about different situations so they weren’t as crappy. I’d use a “mind over matter” type of approach; if it was cold and I didn’t have a jacket, I’d try to convince myself that it simply wasn’t that cold. Sometimes this sort of strategy works, often times it doesn’t, and even when it does, it doesn’t last. I’ve also had some practice with meditation which helps me be content with whatever reality is; when I’m uncomfortable, or sad, or mad, etc., I can observe those feelings without trying to change anything. In a way, when successful, this leads to a changed belief. What was once “causing” me anguish ceases to have the same power which brings me peace. I think developing this skill is really valuable, but might have some limitations that can be addressed through the skill I learned this week.

This exercise offers an alternative way to shift a belief to make our lives better with more authenticity and lasting impact. No gaslighting required! Though it still felt a little odd to at first.

By focusing on the emotions there is a clearer, more authentic path towards creating a new belief that you can actually believe. During class last Sunday, Josh invited a few of us to start going through the steps of this exercise, so I volunteered. I had an idea of a belief I wanted to change and how I might go about it, but was not prepared for the shift I had when Josh led me to come up with a new belief. I shared a belief I wrote down during Exercise 6, the emotions it created, and the context. The shift came when Josh prompted me to imagine how someone I look up to might feel in that same context. I immediately started to get a little emotional; I could picture another version of myself responding with compassion, empathy, and optimism instead of despair, self-doubt, and frustration. It made me want to really make that change.

After the in-class exercise, Josh and I concluded that maybe it’d be better for me to start with a belief with a little less baggage. Especially since next week’s exercise is to adopt a challenging belief. So, I decided to focus on a belief about the cold weather. Maybe this is cheating to adapt the example from the book, but it really is a belief of mine that leads to unwanted emotions. Plus, it seems relatively easy to change with a high potential for positively impacting my life! I met with Beth to go through the exercise again and this is what she helped me come up with:

1. I’ve been leaving the heat off upstairs, which makes my room cold, which makes me feel unmotivated, annoyed, and discouraged. I believe that the cold makes my life harder and less enjoyable.

2. I’d prefer to feel motivated, gratitude, and curiosity, like someone capable of adapting to their surroundings and finding solutions to problems.

3. I’ll believe that I can do things myself to stay warm without turning on the heat.

To ensure I was not gaslighting myself with a “mind over matter” approach, I checked to see if it was plausible — could I really believe this? Changing my belief from “I’m cold and uncomfortable” to “I’m warm and comfortable!” would never hold up, I’d never actually believe it. That’s not to say that I needed to resonate with the new belief right away. In fact, an important part of this exercise is “faking it until you make it” so long as it’s not simply the opposite of the existing belief. I also double checked that genuinely believing the new belief would improve my life. When talking it through with my classmate I realized a few things. First, leading with curiosity to find ways to stay warm without heat would definitely improve my life — I’d be in a better mood and more motivated to work. Second, solving problems would make me feel gratitude and pride for myself which would likely multiply my motivation. Third, having discovered new ways of keeping warm, I’d be more likely to go outside more because I know that I’ll be able to get warm again. This would also likely lead to feeling gratitude and appreciation for the winter weather and the nature around me.

Adopting this belief seemed like a win all across the board! And so it was. I’d consider myself rather successful this week. It was a simple task with a solid reward: a new belief that the cold doesn’t make my life harder, it makes it more interesting and real. Adopting this new belief helped me stay warm, get started with a more regular exercise routine, and inspired me to get outside more. Moreover, I feel confident in my ability to apply the same steps to other beliefs that I’d like to change.

Did my initial candidate belief feel fake?
Maybe a little. Because I focused on simple actions that I could take that would address the unwanted emotions and thus the belief, it felt pretty real. There was still some feeling of faking it, though. I would think “ugh, your just telling yourself this” and often I wanted to stay stuck in my ways (at first).

Did that feeling change?
As I practiced my new belief and found it to have validity, my feeling definitely changed. When I would feel the old belief and associated emotions, I’d quickly shift to the new belief and feel excited to do something about it. Usually, it would only take 5 minutes of push-ups/pull-ups/planks and I’d be nice and warm. Plus, I found myself being okay with feeling cold and less resistant to simply wearing more layers inside. For some reason, I’ve always felt like somewhat of a failure when I put more layers on to stay warm. It’s like it attacks my manliness or something (even though I definitely don’t consider myself manly). This is where the discouragement comes from.

Did I feel like I could change not just a belief but beliefs in general?
Yes, I feel pretty motivated to try changing other beliefs. I started using the same steps to change other beliefs less formally throughout the week. Just knowing that it was possible to believe something else usually helped pretty significantly.

Did I sense how my mind adopts beliefs and changes them?
I’m not sure. I don’t think I really know how exactly my mind adopts/changes beliefs. I guess through taking action and personal experience? So, maybe I did sense how…

Where and how might I apply my experience in the rest of my life?
I’ll use this experience to help me during the next exercise! I found myself automatically doing it with other beliefs throughout the week, so I think I’ll just continue to improve this skill over time.

[Hayden Kessinger]

Jim,

It’s very interesting to read about the corporate world in your reflections. Thanks for giving us a glimpse into it from your perspective.

[Hayden Kessinger]

Joe,

Thank you for your reflection. I realized through reading it that I, like you, discovered I can speak our authentic voice openly without saying the things we think will make us look bad is pretty powerful. Now I’m thinking about how, with more practice, this has potential to completely change all of my interactions. I’m imagining how quickly my confidence could grow by repeating these experiences.

[Hayden Kessinger]

Eugene,

I experienced a similar thing when trying my authentic voice in regular conversation; I’d get maybe 1/6 of my thoughts out before being interrupted (not necessarily in a bad way) or getting self-conscious and stopping early. That said, it was fun to use an initial piece of my inner monologue to begin a conversation. I’d start speaking whatever was on my mind and allow others to chime in. It wasn’t quite the same as the assigned exercise but it definitely led to good conversation and connection that felt meaningful and more authentic.

So while the full exercise may not be suited very well to regular conversation, I think it can be practiced in bits throughout a regular day.

[Hayden Kessinger]

My Authentic Voice

“Woah” I thought to myself with wide eyes reading the first lines of instruction for this week’s exercise.

I felt a healthy dose of fear and doubt around this. Josh begins this chapter talking about Martin Luther King Jr.’s Against Vietnam speech and Muhammad Ali refusing to enter the Vietnam War. So I initially thought I was going to have to voice my inner monologue to others. Before reading further, I thought “no way, we must just be saying it out loud to ourselves.” Yes, but only to start. After a little practice alone, the assignment was to do it with others. I couldn’t believe it! Then I started to feel a little excited.

I realized that the assignment wasn’t to randomly blurt out whatever thoughts came to me. Instead, it’s about following the flow of my inner monologue based on a certain thing or situation. That’s something I think I naturally do already.

I started practicing by myself right away and saw how doing it more frequently and with others could lead to a more authentic voice and nice interactions. Though I did have experience doing this naturally (just talking to myself), I quickly picked up on slight differences when I really paid attention to my thoughts moment to moment. Usually, when I talk out loud to myself it’s about planning things and/or I still pick my words more consciously. This exercise brought me to the present moment as I talked as fast as I could to keep up with my stream of consciousness.

When I practiced alone, I allowed myself to go in any direction my mind took me. Several times this was rather profound; I’d start talking about something quite simple and end reflecting on serious issues from my past. It was really interesting to see how impactful saying these thoughts (that I often don’t recognize) out loud could be. I practiced with a few of my classmates, too. In one practice, we gave each other a prompt (i.e., talk about tennis) and take turns voicing our inner monologue. In another, we chose our own topics. This was a fun excuse to get to know them a little better and hear someone else’s inner monologue in real time. It was also interesting to notice how much more I wanted to be strategic with my words. I wanted to say the right things so I sounded smart and interesting. I found it a little easier to practice with my parents without telling them. I’d be in the middle of something and just start speaking my inner monologue. These led to some cool mini-conversations.

Did my voice change?
With each time I practiced, I think I was able to be more authentic. In the bigger picture, my day-to-day voice has not changed.

Did it feel more authentic? If so, how?
For the most part, yes. Sometimes it felt like it was forced. It was especially authentic feeling when I was alone and speaking to myself. I felt like I was able to get real with myself. When I got into the flow of it while talking to others it also felt more authentic, even if it started feeling inauthentic. When I could let go of trying to sound cool or interesting or smart or whatever else, and just follow my moment-to-moment thoughts, I felt like I got to share things I would never have otherwise.

Did I fear saying anything I’d regret?
Yes! That was among my immediate thoughts when first reading the exercise instructions. I also thought I’d just look/sound stupid.

Did I say anything I regret?
Pretty much the opposite. When I spoke my monologues to others it was fun and sometimes led to nice conversations. When I was alone, my monologues got quite personal at times and were very powerful. That said, since some of my monologues while I was by myself were personal, if I was with others when speaking I probably would’ve had regrets. But maybe not!

How do I feel about speaking more openly?
It’s a little scary at first, but feels really good in practice. I especially enjoyed speaking my monologue to myself in the mirror. I’d do my best to not hold anything back. It’s kind of funny how difficult it can be to be raw and open with yourself. I found the result of this to be surprisingly valuable. I voiced thoughts that I’ve been having for a long time and not fully acknowledging as well as thoughts that I didn’t really know I was having. Speaking them out loud enabled me to see them for what they were and start accepting them and moving forward. Typically, I’d recognize them and either push them away or half-heartedly deal with them (fully thinking I understood them). I hope this is making sense!

How did others respond?
When they weren’t aware of what I was doing they responded like anyone might respond to someone talking about something. I realized that by speaking what was really on my mind about random things at random times, that’s basically what we do anyway. But we guard ourselves a bit. So by letting my stream of consciousness flow out, it was more interesting to me and maybe more interesting for them, too. When practicing with classmates, we each got a nice glimpse into the world of the other person. To me, it felt like I was welcomed into a previously exclusive place.

Do I want to do it more? Less? Differently?
I definitely want to do it more, both alone and with others. As scary as it can be, speaking authentically can be so wonderful.

Where and how might I apply my experiences to the rest of my life?
I’d like to continue opening up more to myself and others. I often practiced while walking my dog, and I think that’s a great time to continue doing it. I also see it as a tool for working through things — almost like a self-therapy. I already journal every night which is sort of like writing my authentic voice, but this week showed me that I still hold things back. Incorporating a couple of inner monologues in the mirror every day would be an easy addition to my life.

[Hayden Kessinger]

Eugene,

I think I benefited similarly from the trigger. Really cool to see how this exercise impacted you. I got a lot from it, too. I used the “cool” thinking today while walking my dog — he kept trying to go in different directions and I started getting angry. Then I took a second to search for the root of this anger and realized it was a belief I didn’t like: “I deserve to always be in control” (or something like that). Almost immediately my anger dissipated and we enjoyed the rest of our walk in the woods 🙂

[Hayden Kessinger]

Very cool

Resistance, resignation, and self-criticism –> self-forgiveness, clarity, and empowerment

[Hayden Kessinger]

Hi Olivia,

I relate to you on the point about counter-beliefs. Definitely feel the transition to observation and greater agency/empowerment, too!

[Hayden Kessinger]

Hi Jim,

Thank you for your thoroughness in writing about this exercise (and all of them). I really liked reading your “counter measures.” Especially your first point about holding back from blurting out every idea, and instead writing them down and contributing one, “homerun” (as I interpreted it) idea. Not only to show your value but to allow others to show theirs first.

Thanks for always inspiring me to continue pursuing improvement in leadership.

[Hayden Kessinger]

Thank you! 🙂

[Hayden Kessinger]

I’m still struggling with removing the “shoulds” too

[Hayden Kessinger]

It’s been exactly one month of SIDCHAs

I missed the in-class discussion about SIDCHAs, so I’m curious to hear about everyone’s experience. Mine had been good. I haven’t missed a day of planks and increased from 1 minute to 2 minutes at least two weeks ago. It’s nice to have something like this where even if I have a bad day, I can feel like I succeeded with something. I’m starting to think about changing it to something creative but not sure. Maybe I’ll stick with planks until I really feel like it’s a part of me, then switch or add one.

[Hayden Kessinger]

Unwanted Beliefs

I didn’t have very many unwanted emotions this week and ended up writing down 10 beliefs. What might be more likely is that I just wasn’t tuned into some of the emotions. And that’s okay! That’s why I’m here: to practice! The majority of the emotions were anxiety and judgment (is that even an emotion?). My internship ended this week and I was moving so I often traced the feeling of anxiety back to a belief like, “stability makes for a happy life” or “having lots of stuff makes life harder.” I definitely believe the second one. I also agree with the first belief, but I’m sure there will be a time when I trace a different (or maybe the same) emotion back to a belief like, “too much stability makes life less fun/meaningful.”

Needless to say, it was very interesting and pretty fun to do this exercise. Now that I think about it, there were times when I recognized an emotion but couldn’t stop to write it down. I still thought about it and identified the belief I thought it was coming from. So, I guess I had more than 10 this week. Plus, I usually connected each emotion with more than one belief.

Sometimes, after connecting a belief to an emotion, I realized that the emotion was totally silly. But not in a dismissive way; I could look at the emotion and genuinely laugh it away. Then, I could choose my next action with much more clarity based on the true belief. I found this exercise to be the most liberating and helpful thus far. Paying attention to emotions and tracing them to a belief was practical and effective for improving my mood.

How did this exercise compare with writing my beliefs?
I liked this one more. Though I definitely benefited from starting with writing all the beliefs that came to mind. I think I’m getting better at figuring out what the underlying belief(s) is when I have judgments, make strategies, or feel emotions.

Was I able to separate my beliefs from the emotions they evoked?
I think so. Examining the beliefs made it easier to think objectively about whatever was going on. Rather than feeling an unwanted emotion and trying to out-think it or avoid it, I could dive a little deeper and let it go.

Was I able to separate my beliefs from my identity?
Yes. I think writing them down separates them, at least in that moment. And the more moments I can do that, the more separated they will actually become. Intellectually, I know I am not defined by the crazy things going on in my head. I even know that some beliefs that pop-up don’t make sense or align with who I want to be. Yet they persist! I really do think continuing this practice will separate them more and lead to me feeling more free from these beliefs that don’t serve me.

How did I feel while thinking about the beliefs and emotions?
It felt good! In a way, it’s embarrassing to write down some of the emotions I have throughout a day. But at the same time, it’s freeing. Once they were written I could see much more clearly why they were coming up. It was easier to have compassion for myself.

How did that feeling change over the course of the exercise if it did?
It felt better and more natural. I feel like I improved in my ability to identify beliefs from emotions. By the end of the week I also became more comfortable examining my beliefs at face value, with less judgment. I’m coming to fully appreciate the depth and nuances of my psyche, understanding that thoughts, emotions, and beliefs don’t necessarily have anything to do with my true self.

Did awareness of the belief make the emotions stronger? Weaker? Different?
I think the emotions typically got weaker. Maybe because I had something else to occupy my mind (figuring out the belief the emotion stemmed from) or maybe because I realized it was silly in the process. Sometimes the emotion would shift to be more positive because once I identified the belief, I could see that the opposite might actually be true (sadness and “my actions don’t matter” turned into motivation and “ living with integrity makes life valuable”). Only once or twice did the emotions get stronger. In these instances, it was because I felt the emotion and belief were important for me to think about more deeply.

Where and how might I apply my experience in the rest of my life?
Maybe I need to think of a better answer to this question. I always say that I’d like to keep practicing it and thus apply it everywhere. If I can be more specific, it’d probably help me to actually keep applying it elsewhere. Though this exercise seems more manageable than some of the others. It seems easier to me to notice when I’m feeling an unwanted emotion than to notice random beliefs throughout the day.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m just in a good mood right now, or I have a skewed memory of the week, but I think this exercise helped me be more positive. I feel like I was able to calmly identify emotions, find their source, and either laugh at it or embrace it with true compassion, which enabled me to move on.

[Hayden Kessinger]

Beliefs

The exercise this week often required a few steps: first, I’d judge someone’s behavior, then use that to identify the strategy they were using, then use that to get to their belief. For example, I saw someone using their phone while others were presenting to the group. First, I thought something like “[person’s name] is rude.” Then, I thought, “okay, maybe they are, maybe they aren’t but this action is showing that they don’t care about what the presenters have to say.” Then, with more reflection, I decided they believe that doing things for oneself is more important than listening to others. I don’t know if this needs more refining or if its accurate, but I think I’m on the right track.

I forgot to read the full chapter before today so I went into this exercise slightly unprepared. I also forgot to write down society’s beliefs. Nonetheless, here is my list and reflections.

Others’ beliefs:

1. Bird research is important for conservation
2. Community is important for human survival
3. Outreach for conservation is important
4. Doing things for oneself is more important than listening to others
5. Marine conservation is more important than other types of conservation
6. Serving others is a high priority
7. Sustainability is important
8. Education is the best career
9. Alcohol makes life better
10. Everyone deserves equal treatment regardless of their identity
11. Personal action doesn’t matter in conservation

As I looked through my list, I realized that a few of the beliefs I wrote down for others were very likely not correct. Or they were at least not the root belief. It’s really interesting to recognize how inaccurate my initial assumptions of others can be.

Did I notice any trends?

Since I didn’t practice very much, I didn’t notice trends in others’ beliefs. I did notice trends in the way I thought about their behaviors and beliefs.

How did identifying beliefs feel?

A little bit cumbersome at first. As I said above, I usually started with my own judgment and landed on a belief from there. I did get a little better over time but I need more practice. That said, It feels really good to think more deeply about people’s behaviors and what beliefs they are a result of. Doing that, lets me understand and relate to them more, even if we don’t agree.

Did I feel you developed a skill?

Kinda. I need to practice more intentionally to develop it.

How accurate do I think I was?

I think my initial thoughts about others’ beliefs were typically not accurate. Once I sat with my judgment more, I think I was more accurate. But still not confident I can identify others’ beliefs super well.

Did I feel differently about people when I thought of their beliefs?

Definitely! Once I paused to think about why they may be behaving in a particular way, I could understand their actions more and have more empathy for them. Doing that also let me move away from judgment and even reflect upon my own behaviors. I notice that when I feel negative judgment for someone’s actions, it’s often because I used to, or still occasionally, behave that way and I don’t want to. So, when others are doing it too, I feel contempt.

Does reading people’s beliefs make me think differently about leadership?

Yes. I’d like to think I’ve been embodying a similar level of empathy for a few years now. I always wonder why certain people do certain things and I like to look for reasons.

Where and how might I apply your experience in the rest of my life?

Again, everywhere, I think. I need to sort of re-do this week’s exercise, but I still got value from the little work I did.

[Hayden Kessinger]

The pleasure was all mine, Lorna!

I’ve also been inspired to spend even less time on screens. Something else that may interest you is turning your phone display to gray filter. I did that about a month ago now, expecting to change it back after experimenting for a week.

[Author]

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