Hayden Kessinger
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Sajjad,
Your description of the conversation with your father made me smile and think about when I did the Spodek Method with my dad. The call I had with him for my “homework” was one of many recent calls that I feel have brought us closer. It was so cool to get a glimpse into some of his experiences I never heard before.
And the worm smiling at your wife! That’s great. After interning as an environmental educator for the past 10 months, I know how valuable seemingly little experiences like that can be. They’re certainly meaningful for me as an educator witnessing them!
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Talia,
That’s really interesting that it felt like you were listening to someone else, not your mom. From what I read it seems like a really great conversation. I love the depth of meaning your mom got from the historical site. Thanks for sharing!
Diane,
Thanks so much for sharing! Sounds like a great conversation with Tracy. I’m very curious to learn more!
Meditation rocks!
I remember we talked at length a month or two ago about meditation (now that I think of it, it might’ve been when discussing whether or not we wanted to join Initiative!). I have fallen off the wagon but still meditate a few times per week. Very excited to hear about your recent experience and look forward to seeing how your sidcha impacts your life.
Olivia,
I feel like I’ve been experiencing self-sabotage lately. Or maybe I’m just becoming more aware of it? That would be a good thing. Either way, I think what triggers it is having too much on my plate, feeling paralyzed, and failing to act. I know that mood follows action but living that mantra is so tough sometimes.
I hope to shine and give permission to others, too 🙂 Great quote, thanks for sharing!!
Joe,
Your answer to the first question hit home for me. Initiative helped me cast aside shiny objects but it has also resulted in me needing to think hard about the things that are truly important to me and choose which one to give my full attention. I have said yes to one or two too many things recently and feel extremely scattered like you. I’m learning a lot because of this, though.
I like your description of compassionate leadership. I’m not familiar with Simon Sinek’s “Leaders Eat Last” but the idea resonates strongly. I’ve realized the value of a safe space cannot be understated when it comes to enabling people to perform their best and be happy. Like you, I often struggle with delegating and am rewarded beyond my expectations every time when I do effectively delegate.
I’m very curious and excited to see where we both are personally professionally at the end of this course.
Ted Lasso for the win!
Bonnie, I love that you mention Ted Lasso as a role model. I agree, that character is a great leader. I also agree that showing your competence is crucial to gaining trust with the people who are looking to you for leadership. I’m excited to get better at what comes after that. Keeping and building that trust and leading them effectively.
Making good trouble and acting out of love.
Eight siblings!? Families with more the three children will never cease to amaze me. Having grown up with one sister, even three seems like a lot. Still, I relate to the desire to standout; it’s funny that I can see where I want to fit in but also be really different. I also loved being the friend that people came to for advice — I was single until 19 years old and yet somehow had wisdom to share with friends with relationship woes.
Thank you for sharing the interesting and complex (at least to me) relationship you had and remember with your mother. It seems to support the notion that nothing is simply good or bad. I can resonate with the tendency to address the negative first, even when prompted to say what went right. Although I think I’m getting better 🙂 I agree about love — the role models I spoke of (especially Nena) have given and shown me so much love that I could absorb and hopefully pass on.
I really appreciate your recognition of the potential for focus to drift. A big thing I share with people who ask what these workshops have given me is the community of like-minded people who want to improve and do good things. Without these communities its so easy for values to drift, even when they’re my most important ones.
Thank you, Beth
I really appreciate your reply. I’m glad we’re on the same page with many things and can relate to each other despite me beginning my career and you having finished yours (formally). I also feel like I know myself better and am excited for the journey, too!
Three pieces of banana
I really enjoyed this exercise. I spent about 10-15 minutes focusing on my fruit each time. Josh said that it took him over 30 minutes. I felt like I explored as much as I possibly could but I guess there’s always more. I found myself chuckling both times. On one hand I was laughing at how silly it seemed to be examining a piece of a date/banana, and on the other, it was the type of laughter that comes from feeling really content and happy. I’m not sure if anyone can relate to what I’m describing.
I chose to do the exercise a second time because when I did it Sunday, I was in a bit of wonky headspace. I felt like I couldn’t give my full attention to the date pieces and like there was more I could get from the exercise. I used a banana tonight because I did it at the office after work and there were bananas available. In addition to examining three pieces of the banana, I spent some time inspecting the entire banana with the peel still on. I noticed that different parts smelled differently — the stem was super woody smelling, the skin was fruity, and the bottom was sort of nondescript. I reveled in the fascination I felt with the bruising of the peel and wondered how and why that happens (not so much the chemistry behind it, but more about the bigger picture). My fascination carried on when I peeled the banana and broke it into three chunks (admittedly larger than raisins). I saw little black/brown beads in the center of some of a couple of the chunks and I had fun breaking them down into smaller pieces, looking at how they change each time.
When I did it on Sunday with the date, I noticed a smell I had never noticed from a date before. It was almost a meaty smell, like dog food! This was really interesting because dates are like nature’s candy and I’ve never thought of them as anything other than super sweet. At the same time, or perhaps after smelling this new scent, I noticed the pieces looked a little meaty, too. It was quite strange!
What is the value of seeing your son’s or other loved one’s expressions?
I feel like seeing the expressions of people I love is invaluable. The value of truly seeing what they are feeling cannot be measured. This question evoked images of my best friends and family smiling, laughing, and being silly. Now I’m smiling thinking about the joy on their faces. On the other side of that is seeing when loved one’s are frustrated or sad. Detecting those emotions are equally valuable because it means I can adjust my own attitude, words, and actions to potentially help them or simply show them I care.
Who notices if you miss them?
I guess I wouldn’t notice because I’m the one missing them. But maybe I’d notice at a later date, perhaps much too late to be relevant. The loved one who is making the expression certainly notices if I miss them. Maybe others in the room notice if I miss the expressions on someone else, too.
What about the nuances of your boss’s communications?
Missing these could be the difference between a great, healthy working relationship and a miserable one. That might be extreme but I’m sure it could be true.
What can you do if you sense them?
Picking up on subtleties in others’ communications is really valuable because it allows you to connect with them on a deep level. I think it opens the door for both people to be more vulnerable about whatever they may be unconsciously communicating with their tone or other nuances. If I could pick up on those more effectively, I could try to relate to my boss and feel empathy towards their perspectives or situation.
What did you observe about your senses and attention?
I observed that I liked dialing into my senses and attention. I can be more curious and have more acute sensations if I just set aside a little bit of time and focus. For example, when I chose to send my attention to the smell, I could smell more specific scents. The date and banana each had unique smells that went beyond my previous knowledge of.
What did you observe about your ability to focus?
My ability to focus is okay. I would love to be able to focus more strongly. My mind wandered throughout the 10-15 minutes I spent doing the exercise. The main thing that stole my attention was thinking about this reflection; what would I write, how would I write it, when would I have time to write it? But I could always bring it back to the fruit.
Where and how might you apply your experience in the rest of your life?
I think I’d like to bring this to the way I eat all my meals. More curiosity is always a good thing; it always brings more joy and excitement to life. There’s never-ending possibility to learn more. Though it’s easy to say, I’d like to apply this to all parts of my life. I’ve been incorporating mindfulness into my meals for a while now. I like to think about where my food came from and all the people who helped get it to me. I also like to express gratitude for being in the moment and for all the people who got me to it. So, to start, I will bring more awareness to my meals by taking smaller bites and chewing each one completely before the next. In general, I’ll try to be more aware of myself and others throughout each day. In time, I may think of a more structured way of doing this.
Jim,
Once again, you inspire me with your growth mindset. Thanks for sharing this. I’m not familiar with different leadership styles so it was interesting to learn about Servant Leadership; it sounds like a style that I’d like to practice and become effective with myself. I like the Edward Deming quote and your addition, “t’s the leader’s job to figure out how to remove barriers for people and set up the right structure that inspires them to greatness.” Also, I’ve already experienced the unfortunate reality that “doing the right thing is sometimes not enough.” Luckily, I think through Initiative and probably this course, it’ll be easier to obtain and keep the allies you mentioned.
Evelyn,
Thanks for the reminder to do this more. I like to take deep breaths before eating but have been slacking as of late.
Woo! Enjoy 🙂
Jim,
I’m very interested in hearing more about this.
It’s go time!
Thanks so much for sharing, Evelyn. Congratulations on your sans-Spodek leading of SUSI and your journey through grad school thus far. I hope to see you get all that you ask in your last paragraph and I’m excited to play at least a small role in making those things happen. Here’s to 20 weeks of leadership.
A longer essay than I expected
I decided to answer each question included in the book so I can have a clear, structured starting point to look back on. You can read my essay on my blog here.
What motivated me to take the course and do the exercises in the book?
Truthfully, I was motivated to join Initiative for reasons I explained in that personal essay, but was not quite as interested in Leadership. When signing up for Initiative, I knew it was a package deal but didn’t think much about the second part. That said, I had a feeling that I would enjoy and benefit from this one, too. Having finished Initiative and experiencing many other great things in that same time, I am very motivated to do the exercises for Leadership. I think my motivation is possible because of the benefits I’ve received from Josh’s other classes and the communities I fell into because of them. I can only imagine these benefits will continue to compound. Josh did mention in the first class that there will be a time where we feel like we’re moving backwards instead of forwards. He said it’ll very likely be really hard at times but the other side is amazing and rewarding in ways I can’t imagine. I was skeptical when I joined Sustainability Simplified in the spring, and even more skeptical when I started Initiative. But now, I’m pretty much on board.
What do I expect to gain from the experience?
Put simply, I expect success. What form that success will take I have no idea. I like to refrain from expecting much from anything. Not because I don’t want to be let down, but because I want to enter new experiences with an open mind. That said, some other things that come to mind are: challenge, fun, growth, community, friendship, clarity on my goals and values, an improved ability to lead myself and others, and awareness and humility necessary to continue improving.
What motivated me to pursue leading in general?
Leading has been part of my life for a while. In many ways I think it just fell into my lap early on and I just believe I was leader from then on. Recently, however, I’ve taken a much more active role in leadership. I recognize that I already have a fair amount of experience leading others and am kinda okay at it. I also recognize how valuable it is to be an effective leader. I see how ineffective many “leaders” are and I hope to avoid being like them. I’ve come to learn that true leadership takes many forms — I think I can even be (and sometimes have been) a leader as a temporary intern with no prior experience in the field. I’m excited learn a lot more and help the world as best I can.
What do I think about leadership?
I think leadership is valuable and needed. I can’t think of any circumstance in which being a good leader and having well-developed leadership skills wouldn’t be helpful. Most people I know speak about how we need better leaders in all fields. And I agree with Josh that we’re desperate for real leaders in the environment. I hope to be one.
What are my models for leadership?
I’m not really sure I have any. Or maybe I don’t understand this question. Coaches, parents, bosses, team captains? I think I immediately think of people with high status and/or high paying jobs who give speeches and influence others. I know leadership is much more nuanced than this, though. I view people with strong listening skills, compassion, initiative, determination, open-mindedness, respect for others, curiosity, and integrity as great leaders. Leaders also need to act in accordance with what they say/believe. I really like Josh’s definition of leadership: helping others do what they want to do but can’t see how.
Who are my role models?
I have many role models. Everyone in my family is a role model for me in at least some capacity. My dad definitely sticks out, though. He’s been a man of few words my whole life. He leads through his actions. Growing up, I witnessed — on many occasions — him talking with people I didn’t recognize in Lowe’s (or some other store) for what felt like forever. At the end of these conversations I’d ask who they were and often he wouldn’t be able to tell me their name. But the person certainly seemed to like him a lot. As I got older I realized he was rarely contributing much to these conversations, he would just listen. I realize now that he was contributing much more by listening. That’s why people like him so much: he listens to them and gives his two cents where they’re needed and nothing more. I don’t remember him ever explicitly telling me to work hard but the message was loud and clear from his actions; always sticking his neck out for others, fixing things around the house, coming to my soccer practices and games, and rarely complaining.
My late grandmother, Nena, was also a great role model for me. She exuded compassion, empathy, love, and service like no one else I’ve ever met. Similar to my dad, she acted more than she spoke and when she did speak it was pure gold. She always put others first, and seemed to always know what everyone needed. I try to live like Nena: constantly looking for ways to help — big or small, but always meaningful.
My sister, Spencer, is another role model of mine. She is huge reason that I’m committed to the environment and animals as much as I am. She always listens to me and gives relevant advice, encouraging me to act on it only if it feels right for me. Spencer is also really good at acknowledging others’ feelings and thoughts for what they are; she rarely lets her own perspectives get in the way of understanding the other person. I feel really lucky to have a great relationship with her.
Lastly, I’ll highlight my highschool soccer coach, Matt Blue. He was a fantastic coach and mentor for me as a young man. Coach Blue died earlier this year, a little more than a year after being diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. I could go on and on about the lessons he taught me in highschool, but I think they can all be summarized by his outlook during his year with cancer. At a fundraiser for his benefit in spring 2023 he gave a short speech. In addition to thanking everyone for being there and supporting in different ways, he shared wisdom that I’ll never forget. He told us to appreciate all parts of life: the joy and excitement, the mundane and boring, and the really shitty parts, too. This isn’t a new philosophy by any means but to hear it coming from a man experiencing these aspects of life so acutely, it became more real. All parts of life, all emotions are valuable — in and of themselves as well as for the way they help us gain perspective. I think because I knew Blue so well before his diagnosis, I could look back and see how he practiced this philosophy his whole life. Like my dad, everyone loved him. He talked a little more and was a goofball, but that didn’t prevent him from leading with integrity and action.
What works for me when I lead? What doesn’t?
Acting on the skills I mentioned above always seems to work very well. Actions really do speak louder than words — I’ve had several people recently recognize the consistency between what I talk about and how I act. They told me they respect me and have felt inspired. But I know to be a more effective leader I need to do more than act in line with my values. Nothing else matters without the corresponding action — others will always do what you do, not what you say — but I think its time I engage more with the people I want to lead. Other things that work: asking questions, connecting to values, connecting people to each other, affirming ideas (and respectfully providing counter ideas), having fun, following up with people, giving space for their interests/passions/motivations to emerge, offering advice when they want it, and giving constructive criticism after telling people what they did well.
Telling people what they should do almost never works. Treating others as if they have the same experiences, values, interests, and perspectives as me is a recipe for disaster. Giving unsolicited advice stinks. Talking more than the other person usually doesn’t help much. Getting angry or irritated is of course useless. Holding myself above others (by using jargon or obscure references or just exuding that sort of energy) feels wrong and makes people shut down. Acting in opposition to things I say or believe is a great way to fail as a leader. Many of these things that don’t work come from a place of ego; entering the conversation or interaction thinking I know what’s best for them instead of with curiosity to work with them to figure out what they want/need.
Where do I want to apply my leadership skills?
Everywhere, I think. My current understanding is that a good leader isn’t necessarily leading everything all the time. They know when to step back and let others take the wheel. So, I think if that’s true, I’d like to apply my leadership skills in all areas of my life: personal and professional. I can get specific, however, and say that I’d like to apply leadership skills to sustainability, conservation, and activism. Josh defines leadership as “helping others do what they want to do but don’t know how” and that’s what I want to be for people and myself. I want to empower myself and others to make meaningful impact in whatever shape that takes for them.
What is my history with leadership — first memories, best and worst memories, and so on?
I feel as though I have a pretty long history of leadership. Despite being quiet and somewhat shy for most of my life, I think I’ve always gravitated toward leadership positions. As I think more about earliest memories of leading others, it seems like it has sort of been a self-fulfilling prophecy (I think I’m using this phrase correctly). I’m not sure I can pick out an early, clear example but I just always remember assuming the leader role in school projects. Then, perhaps after a few instances like that, I accepted that story about myself: I’m the guy who leads the group. And yet, I can think of plenty of times where I was reluctant to do so. I don’t think I was always competing for the spot with others. I see it more like the leader role needed to be filled and since no one else would fill it, I did.
A couple of weeks ago I was working with a group of highschoolers who were volunteering at Five Rivers to install a fence around one of the gardens. One girl was working much harder than the rest and she was leading her classmates rather effectively. Her teacher commented on her leadership and the girl said something like, “I just take charge because no one else will and if that happens, then its just chaos.” That pretty much sums up a lot of my experiences leading. Though I usually enjoy and value leading others, it sometimes felt like an obligation, especially for school projects.
Perhaps I’m not giving myself enough credit. I think I’m a pretty good leader and maybe others see that in me. One standout memory (that is really many memories combined) is being named captain of my first club soccer team. I joined in middle school and only knew two other kids on the team. During our first practice, my new coach put me on defense, my first time ever playing there. I played defense basically the rest of my “career.” At our first game, when the referees asked for captains, my coach sent me and one other teammate. I was confused as hell. Almost everyone else had been playing together for years, just under a different coach. Now all of a sudden I’m a captain? Yep, and I remained a captain for all five years I played club soccer. I was also a captain of my high school team my senior year, and captain of my community college team as a freshman and sophomore. I felt pretty confident leading my high school and college teams, but club was different. I was never super close with most of my teammates, I was probably one of the worst on the team, and I didn’t talk much. Memories of club soccer are riddled with feeling small and like I didn’t belong. My coach and teammates would get frustrated with me for making mistakes, leading me to feel scared to make more, which would of course result in more mistakes. I stuck with it, though, and I improved as a player and captain. Still, I think I left a lot to be desired as a leader. But my coach never took that role from me. It really makes me wonder how different my leadership history would look if I hadn’t been randomly selected as a captain in 8th grade.
I’m realizing a key issue in the way I judge a leader. During club soccer, I felt undeserving of my captaincy because many other players were more talented and athletic than me. Then, when I felt confident as a captain in high school and college, it was largely because I thought I was more talented and athletic than most of my team. Intellectually, I’ve known this to be flawed for many years, but I think I still judge myself and others in this way. It’s silly because if you looked at the top ten soccer teams in the world, you’d find that the most talented player is rarely the captain. The captain is the person who can bring the best out of everyone else. The captain leads through their actions and disposition more than their words or skills.
I have one particularly bad memory of leadership that is very similar to a story Josh often shares to demonstrate where he started as a leader and what people get wrong about being a leader. My second year playing soccer at Chesapeake Community College we stunk. We lost most games by more than four goals. I was a captain and the best player on the team. But I didn’t really know how to lead. I thought I did. I couldn’t handle the fact that we stunk so bad. Worse than that, the team goofed off way too much (in my eyes). It drove me nuts that no one wanted to play as hard as I did. It didn’t take long for me to start yelling at my teammates. Of course, tough love is necessary sometimes, but that’s not what I was providing. I even remember yelling at a teammate, out loud for all to hear, “what are you doing!?” I’d shout, “c’mon!” I’d scream for the ball or bark instructions, thinking that’s what I needed to do. If they could just do what I tell them to do, we’d be better. One game, as we prepared to defend a corner, I was yelling to no one in particular, “c’mon mark-up, what are we doing!?” To which a teammate replied, “don’t just yell at us, tell us what to do.” I’m not sure how I responded but it probably wasn’t a good response and I knew they were right. I haven’t thought about this so deeply before and I’m realizing just how much it must’ve sucked to be my teammate. They were probably afraid of me or hated me or both. Early in the season the athletic director came to watch us practice for a bit. He pulled me aside and complimented me for my passion and said I had great potential and responsibility to be a great leader, but I had to change how I was leading. I knew he was right but I don’t think I adapted my strategies much.
My best memories include more recent ones. Having conversations with people that end with them thanking me is very rewarding. Filling a leadership role in the volunteering I do with The Humane League has been great, too; I get to engage with other volunteers and help them get more involved in the advocacy that they want to do. Yesterday, I gave my staff presentation on food and the environment which was really rewarding. I was working hard and stressing about this for the past two weeks so to have it come together and receive compliments for the way I effectively shared a difficult topic felt incredible. It felt like leadership because I was sharing my knowledge and experiences to provide the audience an opportunity to explore a new way of consuming. I didn’t prescribe any lifestyle changes for them. I engaged with the audience by asking them to think about questions and discuss with the person next to them first rather than telling them the answer straight away. I think I did a good job going into it with humility while maintaining my passion for the subject.
What is the value in doing these exercises?
I think one of the most valuable parts about a course like this is literally doing the exercises. Taking the action, making them a priority = I’m making my growth and well-being a priority. Writing this essay for example has taken a big chunk of my time but the value of it cannot be understated. I’ve learned about myself in the process. I’ve strengthened some of my beliefs about leadership and myself and I’ve let go of others that weren’t serving me.
Doing the exercises means actually practicing the skills that will be used in life. Reading and even taking notes aren’t very practically helpful. It’s great to learn that way, but for something like leadership, intellectual understanding and practical understanding are far from the same thing. I imagine that by doing the exercises I’ll feel myself becoming a better leader in my day-to-day and I’ll start leading others more effectively without thinking.
If you made it through all this, thanks! I hope you enjoyed and/or found it helpful in some way. I’m excited for whats to come 🙂
Lorna,
That sounds like an amazing first conversation! I hope you get to have a follow-up with Brenda so we get to read more. Thanks for sharing 🙂
My lifelong commitment
It feels pretty good to plainly say that. For the rest of my life I will do this one thing, no matter what. The only reason I will stop will be to change to something that serves me better. Even if I switch, I will still do my SIDCHA.
My SIDCHA for the rest of my life will be mostly fitness, but I’d say also mindful: a one-minute plank. I predict the length will increase quickly as a one-minute plank is not difficult for me right now. However, I will start with one-minute. That is what I believe I can do every single day no matter what happens. It’ll be interesting to see if I’m still doing daily planks in one month, six months, and a year from now. I’ll certainly still be doing my SIDCHA, but perhaps I will have realized that planks should be replaced by something else. Maybe something creative or mindful, or something else physical. I think if anything I’ll add more SIDCHAs rather than replace the plank. But who knows?
There are plenty of healthy habits I want to introduce (or more commonly, re-introduce) to my life. In fact, I spend a lot of my time every day thinking about them: running, yoga, meditation, writing, learning an instrument, and many more. Some of these things are already almost daily habits that bring me a lot of benefits. However, none of them are non-negotiable. I skip my yoga and meditation practice from time to time. I go long stints without running. Sometimes I feel too tired to journal before bed, so I don’t. I’ve started many daily habits, kept them for a while and then dropped them. I always value the routine and structure they provide in addition to the benefits that come as a direct result of actually doing them (feeling more calm from meditating, feeling stronger and more flexible from yoga, etc.).
My new SIDCHA is different. I will plank for one minute for every day until the day I physically cannot (or if I decide to switch). As I write this, I’m thinking, “man, this is kind of extreme isn’t it? Do I really want to put this pressure on myself?” But c’mon, it’s one minute. No matter what insane circumstances life throws at me — rain, snow, hail, meteor shower, nuclear fallout — there’s no way I can’t manage to hold a plank for one minute. So I guess that settles it. I’m a daily planker. Here begins my streak. I actually started yesterday but I’ll log October 21st, 2024 as the official first day of my SIDCHA journey.
I’m excited to read about and support everyone else’s!