When confident, assertive people with effective communication skills feel wronged, they tell the person who they feel wronged them. Maybe not in all cases, but they can. Once they do, they can do something about the problem.
People who don’t assert themselves or who don’t have the skills to communicate their feeling wronged often, instead of telling anyone about it, simmer in their feelings. I refer to them as suffering in silence. They may feel self-righteous, victimized, hurt, angry, or a range of emotions. Feeling wronged, they won’t feel good about it. Not sharing how they feel means they can’t enlist anyone to help. They can’t resolve their problems. They make it hard for anyone they felt wronged them to change their behavior. They prevent effective problem solving or conflict resolution.
Sometimes people who suffer in silence act like martyrs. Sometimes they feel increasingly wronged by the interactions that they do nothing to stop, leading their emotions to increase until too intense to suppress and they lose their composure, yelling or acting out in some way they feel justified for but that tends to ruin a relationship, their credibility, or more.
Sometimes I find myself suffering in silence. When I do, I try to fix the situation. In the meantime, I choose to regard the consequences of my inaction as my responsibility, including the growth in intensity of emotions I may have felt. If I don’t tell someone the consequences of their actions on me, how can I hold them responsible for them?
I find taking responsibility for my emotions tends to decrease their intensity, enabling me to act effectively. Suffering in silence takes power away from me. It may feel better to blame someone else for my feelings, but it removes my ability to do anything about it. Responsibility means I can’t blame anyone else, but I can do something about my problem.
How to avoid suffering in silence
A recent post describes how to avoid suffering with a skill that helps communicate without losing your composure, “How not to lose your composure: Rational Emotion“.
Joshua,
As you mentioned the lack of communication skills affects many people to the point they lose their composure and I have found it goes beyond that.
I have met people that because they lack of communication skills are unable to ask for or defend some of their most basic needs, such as dignity. Instead, they come across as trouble makers or worst behave in ways that do not benefit them in the long run.
Developing basic communication skills is essential to achieving the most basic level of personal satisfaction. But how will they learn, if someone does not teach them?
As a child we ask for things and communicate our pleasure or pain. A young child is usually taught by example, as older ones we sometime notice the skills of others and seek to learn. Sometimes we don’t know that we don’t know, that’s where it gets difficult.
My hat is off to those that work to teach others this basic skill, that enables them to gain so much more if they so choose,
-Miles
I feel like you’re describing me until maybe ten years ago!
On the one hand, I agree “how will they learn, if someone does not teach them?” On the other I think that by adulthood, people are responsible for themselves and have to figure out how to learn. I have found “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”
In any case, my passion is to teach and coach such skills, as well as advanced ones, using what I’ve found most effective — inquiry-driven project-based learning — so I hope to help many people that way. I hope one day to start a large scale program or school.
one of my friend is just like that… but don’t admit that he needs to share his feelings or atleast tell the other person if its hurting him. he kept it inside and let it hurt till it came out in form of anger ..and still he doesn’t point out to the problem, he shows his anger about other pitty things like why you are not wearing that dress, or having late hour duty etc…
now he is silent again? what should i do? please help…
I wrote my post to give perspective and help people who would suffer in silence themselves. You can choose to take responsibility for yourself, but you can’t make someone else take responsibility for themselves. Only they can.
I don’t have enough to go on from your post to give meaningful advice for your situation. At the broadest level, when I have someone like you describe, follow the advice in this post — https://joshuaspodek.com/responsibility-elses-emotions. I try to understand them but not control them and, independent of them, live the best life I can. I don’t have much time for people who can’t control their anger. I have plenty of time for people who enjoy life with me.
I know that’s broad, but I hope that helps.