You probably write better emails than I do. I’ve been getting better and thought I’d share a process that’s helped me improve. It came from experience and I thought about it writing an email just now.

I wrote today’s post secondarily to show how to improve emails if you write like I do before the last step, but primarily to illustrate a mindset:

My mindset when communicating with others: To put the other person first when writing, and to think of them first as a human being with feelings, not as an agent to complete your task.

In other words: Build a relationship.

Tasks come and go. Businesses come and go. Relationships last, and they get things done. They also make doing business fun and effective. This post is about relationships.

I think of writing this way as from the inside out because I start with my interests (the inside of the email), which motivated me to write, and then think of the other person to give context to my message, forcing me to use empathy and compassion.

Many readers will consider some of my steps superfluous and maybe counterproductive. I’m not telling anyone what to do, only sharing something that works for me. If you expect it won’t work for you, you don’t have to try it. If the mindset above is new to you, though, like it was for me one time, I recommend trying it.

Context for this example email

I had written the assistant of a friend in a high position for an appointment with my friend. I hadn’t heard back in over a week and wanted to remind her I was waiting. I prefer communicating directly with friends, but we’re also doing business together and I respect his processes. Still, the extra step does annoy me slightly.

I got out my eight-day-old message to use as a basis to remind her.

Step 1

I first wrote what I wanted from my recipient.

My email looked like:

Checking in again to remind you about scheduling an appointment.

On 08/06/2013 12:47 PM, Joshua Spodek wrote:

> [previous email scheduling appointment]

Step 1a

Don’t send this email!

It communicated the facts I wanted, but not the tone.

Step 2

Think about the recipient’s perspective. How will it look to them? Would I like to receive that email.

The email as above looks rude, like I’m treating her as a tool to do my work. So I tried to make the message so far more polite, something I wouldn’t mind receiving. Then it looked like:

Checking in again…

My next two weeks are pretty open. If [my friend] has a few time slots open, my schedule will probably match with one of them.

On 08/06/2013 12:47 PM, Joshua Spodek wrote:

> [previous email scheduling appointment]

Step 2a

Don’t send this email!

It lacks personal connection.

Step 3

Personalize the email.

Usually that means putting in their name (usually matching the greeting to how they greeted me). I also sign it. Sometimes I put my contact information and link to my blog in my signature. This time I didn’t because she already knows all that.

Now my email looks like:

Hi <her name>,

Checking in again…

My next two weeks are pretty open. If [my friend] has a few time slots open, my schedule will probably match with one of them.

Josh

On 08/06/2013 12:47 PM, Joshua Spodek wrote:

> [previous email scheduling appointment]

Step 3a

Don’t send this email.

It still lacks a human element.

Step 4

Add a human element.

Years ago I would have thought this part a waste of time, figuring it didn’t add to the functionality but takes time on my part and theirs.

Now I think differently. I’ve learned to see the task or whatever short-term purpose of the email, or of any communication as secondary. I now consider my primary goal in interacting with someone to develop a relationship with them as one human being to another (not one human being to a tool to do a task for me or for their job).

If I can’t think of what meaningful connection we have on which I can build, I’ll fall back on a platitude, but at least I’ll try. And I’ll use the mild embarrassment of writing a platitude to remind me to do a better job of making a meaningful connection next time.

In this case I didn’t have too much to personalize with, but I put something there.

Hi <her name>,

I hope you’re doing well.

Checking in again…

My next two weeks are pretty open. If [my friend] has a few time slots open, my schedule will probably match with one of them.

Josh

On 08/06/2013 12:47 PM, Joshua Spodek wrote:

> [previous email scheduling appointment]

Nothing too special, but I feel more comfortable sending this email. It took me under a minute extra to write and will take her a few seconds longer to read. I consider it more respectful.

Again, this post is about putting the relationship first and seeing others as people more than tools or agents to do things.

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