Almost ten years ago in this blog I wrote about an experience of art expressing something I didn’t know could be expressed. Ingmar Bergman’s Fanny and Alexander captured an emotion I felt with my father and no one else. That emotion hit me hard. It was powerful. It influenced big decisions in my life, especially to learn and teach the social and emotional skills of leadership.

I just experienced a similar effect, this time with my relationship with my mom in the movie Transformer, which I wrote about last week. Whereas Fanny and Alexander evoked my childhood relationship with my dad, Transformer evoked my present relationship with my mother. I show the clip below of the scene with the main character and the mother. First I show some key scenes that give context.

For more context, quoting myself in the post on Fanny and Alexander, Origins: of me and teaching leadership:

Bergman captured and evoked some of my strongest emotions growing up. I want to clarify that the characters, context, and so on are different than my life, which is why I specify that the emotions are similar. The movie dramatizes things in quantity, but not in kind, at least compared to my experience.

When I heard stories of children, fictional and historical, growing up under a stern, strict, authoritarian parent, I would see their childhoods as different than mine. I viewed my childhood as normal, which it was for me since it was the only childhood I had. I did have a stern, strict, authoritarian parent, but I didn’t relate to the effects of it in others because no story evoked its feelings and emotions in me.

Fanny and Alexander changed that. The movie recalled some of my most powerful feelings that I thought everyone felt, but later saw weren’t universal. Now I see why storytellers emphasize stern, strict, authoritarian parents. Having one, like I did in my father, affects you. I’m not complaining. At 45, I’ve had decades as an adult to grow and make my experiences part of what made me who I am. Everyone had their challenges. You had yours. These were mine.

About Transformer

[Note: I’ve been editing a lot of video and it’s late. I’m posting most of this post as-is and will edit it soon. I also plan to post again on this movie tomorrow to show how family can support beyond what anyone might expect, not just provide friction.]

From Wikipedia:

Janae Marie Kroczaleski (born Matthew Raymond Kroczaleski) is an American who previously competed as a professional powerlifter and competitive bodybuilder.

In combined (squat, bench press, and deadlift) equipped powerlifting total, on April 25, 2009, in Iowa, Kroc set the male world record in the 220 lb. weight class with 2,551 lbs (composed of 738 pound bench press, 810 pound deadlift and 1003 pound back squat), which at the time was also the fifth highest total for the 242 lb. male weight class. Kroczaleski no longer held the record as of August 21, 2010, when a 2,715 pound total was achieved by Shawn Frankl (the man who held the record prior to Kroczaleski) in Ohio.

In 2015, Kroc came out as transgender and genderfluid, taking the name ‘Janae’ and adopting she/her pronouns. Kroc uses the name ‘Matt’ and male pronouns when referring to the time before her transition.

From Movie Insider:

In the summer of 2015, former US Marine and world record weightlifter Matt “Kroc” Kroczaleski was publicly outed as being transgender. The reaction was universal: her sponsors abandoned her, she was disowned by her parents, banned from competing, and she changed her name to “Janae”. This film follows Janae as she attempts to find her place in society.

The Struggle

Part 1: The struggle he didn’t ask for:

Part 2: How impossible it can seem:

Family can be the biggest source of friction

The Fanny and Alexander clip relevant to my relationship with my dad was about a father figure exerting authority. Maybe the stepfather in the movie was trying to show love, but the result was authoritarian and torturous. I don’t think any child would want to be treated that way. I was. I’d like to say I couldn’t imagine someone so blind or unwilling to see the actual effects of his behavior, not just what he wanted, but I lived it growing up.

I’m not saying I was abused. I’m not saying my father was bad. I’m just saying the clip from that movie captured an important part of my relationship with him.

The clip below captures an emotional experience with my mom. I believe the mom in the clip is trying to understand her child. She doesn’t. She expresses herself in her own way. I believe she wants to support her child, but the effect is that her child feels misunderstood, as if she (the mother) isn’t trying.

Ironically, the child in the movie says the mother hasn’t succeeded in understanding her child in ten years, which is how long I’ve prioritized sustainability leadership. I know my mom loves me and wants to support me. Maybe she understands me, but the emotion I saw in the clip below represents how I feel. The mother may think she’s trying, but what she says seems to make it harder. Ten years of feeling misunderstood about one’s greatest values and life weighs on a person.

What it’s about, why it’s worth it

Being true to yourself is its own reward, but we know others struggle too. We can help them.

• ← Year 15, day 1, posting daily to this blog, my first sidcha (what led me to the concept)
• The value of family support when living by your values when society opposes them: Janae Marie Kroczaleski, part 2 →