Who likes feeling bad, burdened with emotions we not only don’t like, but that, if we act on them, make our lives worse? Yet sometimes countering them with their opposites makes things worse still. For example, trying to calm down when you’re angry, especially if someone else tells you to do it, often makes one angrier. Many emotions have complements that are more effective than opposites in dispelling them. I[…] Keep reading →

[This post is part of a series on overcoming guilt and blame for good. If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] One last tip for the guilt and blame series, perhaps the most empowering. What do you do when others attempt to blame you or make you feel guilty? Most[…] Keep reading →

[This post is part of a series on overcoming guilt and blame for good. If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] This post summarizes and completes my thread on guilt and blame (edit: I added another post on the topic). The first few posts covered where guilt and blame come[…] Keep reading →

The past two days covered the how we can be judgmental without meaning it — first with clearly judgmental language, then with implicitly judgmental words. Today let’s look at exercises to change. My normal first step for change is to start by building awareness. In this case, changing builds awareness so much and the exercises are so easy (they don’t involve anyone else), I recommend just starting with the change.[…] Keep reading →

Yesterday I wrote about how we often judge people implicitly without realizing — often a repellent behavior — and one class of implicitly judgmental language. The second class of implicitly judgmental language is when you make value judgments without realizing it. Here are a few examples: “People on the left say X. People on the right say Y. I’m not political about it, I’m practical and I look for a[…] Keep reading →

Do you like being judged? Nobody likes when someone else is self-righteous, holier-than-thou, or high-and-mighty to them. Would you be shocked to find you’re judging people — thereby repelling them — without realizing it? Would you want to do something about it? You probably avoid judgmental people. I’d bet it’s one of the major reasons you avoid the people you do. (Clients often mention their parents here. Even recognizing their[…] Keep reading →

Here’s some great news: you never observe or sense your world directly. Besides having limited and imperfect senses and a fading memory, your expectations influence all your observations. These limitations are not problems. On the contrary, you can use them to improve your life. After all, a good life (whatever that means to you) doesn’t come from more information or accuracy. There is infinite information and your brain is finite,[…] Keep reading →

Why would anyone want to feel fake? When do you want to feel fake? Developing leadership skills or other types of personal development aren’t like learning typical how-to skills. When you develop leadership skills or develop personally, you change how everyone sees you and how you see everyone. You change as a person, in other words. You used to be person A and expect to become person B. As person[…] Keep reading →

Do you have weaknesses you just can’t seem to lose? Maybe you interrupt too much? Or solve problems when you should be building relationships? This perspective may help. When clients tell me about their weaknesses, I generally ask them for examples of how the skills in question worked or didn’t work. A common pattern emerges, though it’s not universal. One example is my student/client with great listening skills who interrupted[…] Keep reading →