Have you ever had someone suggest you calm down or take it easy? Nearly everyone has at some point. When it happens, I’d bet the person saying it was annoying.
First let’s look at it from an awareness perspective, then what to do about it.
Consider the situation. If they were suggesting you should calm down, you probably weren’t calm. Moreover you probably recently got un-calm. If they were talking to you, there’s a good chance they contributed to you losing your cool.
And now what do they do? They command you to go in the opposite direction of your emotions. Of course you feel justified in having the emotions you do. Now they’re telling you to ignore that justification and adopt the emotions they want you to have. Talk about insensitivity at a counterproductive time.
On top of that, if you are annoyed at them, from your perspective your calming down with help them. Maybe you prefer not to be in an altercation and maybe you would prefer to calm down, but in the moment that’s not where you are. It puts you in a position where calming down, even if you want to, appears to be following them, which you may not want to do.
In short, someone contributing to your being annoyed followed by their commanding you to ignore your feelings in favor of ones they want you to have is likely to inflame the situation more, not resolve it. It’s selfish and insensitive.
Okay, now we’re aware. What do we do about it?
Effective responses will depend on the situation, but will always best be grounded in self-awareness. Recognizing the counterproductivity of their behavior may help keep you from reactive or counterproductive responses, like saying “No, you calm down” or “I am calm.” Some effective responses include walking away, taking a few deep breaths, finding out if the other person is aware of the consequences of their actions, feeling compassion for them, going back to the previous topic of conversation, and changing to a new topic.
Another big challenge at the time is to ask yourself how much you may have contributed to the situation. However insensitive and counterproductive the other person’s behavior, you probably had some role in things being the way they are. Recognizing that, at least to yourself, may help.
The most fundamental advice I give myself in such situations is not to look for blame but to take responsibility for making things better to the extent you can. However you got there is in the past and can’t be changed. You can change the present and taking responsibility is the best way I know to improve it for yourself.
Well, just about anything can be taken to be off putting, offensive or irritating in these times of ethical duality and messaging.
There really are times when folks who are overamping, fixating or feeling anxious about something –much less overdoing it, chasing self imagined windmills, or putting themselves and others under unnecessary duress– NEED to be told to calm down, slow down, take it in stride, etc. because they actually are overreacting or unnecessarily anxious.
Ahh, but remember, these days the intent of the speaker doesn’t really matter.
The new ethos is zip your lip, don’t offer guidance, caution, support, empathy or otherwise salutary sayings unless you want to be seen as invalidating someone’s agitation.
Sigh….
You found an old post, almost 15 years old by now. I love the chance to reread things I wrote a long time ago. Thank you for responding.
I agree people overamp out of anxiety and other motivations. I wouldn’t say they “need” or “NEED” to be told to calm down. They may benefit from calming down, but i don’t see being told to calm down as calming. I also agree that people ignore the intent of speakers when, for an example I observe, they claim to be offended and act like the speaker was at fault.
I’m not sure if the following addresses what you wrote, but I’ll share the thoughts that came from reading your post. I found Jocko Willink’s concept of extreme ownership helpful here. When I speak, I don’t consider it the other person’s responsibility for me to be understood. I take responsibility for it. If they misconstrue me, even intentionally, if I consider what I say valuable, I take responsibility to learn from them how to say it to be understood.
Does taking responsibility take more work? Yes. Would my life be easier to say if they didn’t understand me or misattributed my intent and leave it there? Yes.
Still, I take responsibility.
Gee, I guess the Jackson Brown/Eagle’s song, “Take It Easy” now goes on the rude list…..
Anyone have troubles with “Aloha”?
I like the song. I try not to let the sound of my own wheels make me crazy.