Tips

You have too many tasks to do to keep track of and running out of time. What do you do? I hope you've developed a strategy not to lose your composure. Many people do. Here is my strategy. I don't claim it's the best strategy, but it keeps me calm and lets me finish things. I hope it works for you. First, I list my tasks. The tasks are never as many as I fear when I feel desperate. If I feel like I have six tasks to do, when I write them I usually find I have three or four. I almost always look at the shorter-than-expected list and have to triple check I'm not missing anything. Then I realize I'm not and I…

Following up yesterday's post about conversational mistakes, here's another I see all the time. This one is more serious than yesterday's for two reasons. First, it will more likely kill a conversation. Second, people who do it seem unable to stop themselves, even when they realize the problem. It affects all types of conversations, but I'll describe it in the context of my Meaningful Connection exercise. It goes like this: Person 1: "What's a passion of yours?" Person 2: "I love traveling." Person 1: "Oh, me too. Let me tell you all about my trip to Greece. It was amazing..." I'm sure you see the mistake, but I'll describe it in general to show how the problem can affect many relationships. Person 2 asked Person…

I see the following conversational mistake a lot. While it doesn't necessarily kill a conversation, if you want to have great conversations, it helps to know what you're doing. If you're reading this blog, with the phrase "If you want extraordinary performance, know extraordinary performers" on the top left of the home page, you probably want to perform extraordinarily. It came up when I was coaching a friend on Meaningful Connection exercise so I'll write about it in that context, but the principle applies to many conversations. That exercise starts by asking someone for one of their passions or something they like to do. After they answer, you connect their activity to your life, then ask them to elaborate. My friend skipped the step of…

When confident, assertive people with effective communication skills feel wronged, they tell the person who they feel wronged them. Maybe not in all cases, but they can. Once they do, they can do something about the problem. People who don't assert themselves or who don't have the skills to communicate their feeling wronged often, instead of telling anyone about it, simmer in their feelings. I refer to them as suffering in silence. They may feel self-righteous, victimized, hurt, angry, or a range of emotions. Feeling wronged, they won't feel good about it. Not sharing how they feel means they can't enlist anyone to help. They can't resolve their problems. They make it hard for anyone they felt wronged them to change their behavior. They prevent effective…

How often do you say "I need" something? "Need" is a powerful word in social contexts because neediness is one of the most repellent behaviors. Family and very close friends who understand each other deeply can get away with using it. Rarely otherwise. Neediness means they're putting their interests before yours. Maybe you consider them justified or you know you'll help them out of friendship, but they're still doing it. You'll find yourself observing them skeptically since you expect them to want something from you. "I need" is one of the more repellent things to say. I recommend saying it with caution. Even if you do need something, you can express yourself in many ways. If you find yourself saying you need something, you can…

Yesterday's post on very basic but incredibly important instruction schools rarely teach reminded me of another. Everyone evaluates you on your posture Your posture conveys your mood---especially confidence---as much as anything, meaning people judge you on your posture. Maybe a smile, or lack thereof, counts for more. Most healthy people have total control over their posture. Since your emotions and behavior (I consider your body language and posture part of your behavior) influence each other, you can drive your mood by choosing your posture. You can also change your posture by changing your mood. How to improve your posture in one second, and boost your confidence Walking into a meeting or networking event where you want to feel confident? Or a social situation? Here are…

How much better would your relationships be if you saw solutions where you used to see problems? While I don't like problems, I've learned to look forward to problems as ways of improving relationships. Relationships can grow stronger as a result of social gaffes just like broken bones heal stronger than had they never broken and muscles grow from minor tears when you stress them. What meaningful relationships have you had that didn't involve a lot of work? How often did deep understanding come easily? You may not like fights, embarrassments, etc, but what do you expect if everyone doesn't agree with everyone else on everything all the time? Here's how to make relationships stronger for the mistakes and misunderstandings that happen in them, or…

Context: city workers are tearing up the street outside my building. They start jackhammering at 7am and the noise hasn't let up for the past two weeks. We don't know why they're doing it or how long they plan to work. My neighbors and I talk about it. One of my neighbors, an otherwise thoroughly enjoyable woman, keeps talking about how bad it is. At first I commiserated. I ran into her today and she started complaining about it again. I responded, No matter what we do they're going to do this work. My only question is will I be miserable about it. This perspective applies to most problems. If you can't do anything about something, you have no choice but to have it in…