Has anyone ever told you that even they’ve known you for a long time they still don’t feel like they know the real you? Has it come from someone you’re close to? It sucks, doesn’t it? Do you know people without really knowing them? Have you known anyone for a long time, even spent time with them, but never felt you knew the real them? It doesn’t feel good, at[…] Keep reading →

How do you discipline a friend? Even when you feel they deserve it, it’s not so easy. Too harsh and you lose a friend. Too soft and they’ll do it again. I generally advise against giving advice to someone who hasn’t asked for it, but sometimes you know someone well enough. To me friendship means you’re responsible to help a friend. Below is an example of balancing things effectively. Not[…] Keep reading →

The more I teach and coach leadership, the more value I see in low-level instruction. Possibly because people think of leaders having high-level positions in organizations, I find the expect high-level instruction for leadership. I find beginning with the opposite—low-level instruction—more effective. Like piano lessons begin with scales, dance begins footwork, and many sports begin with basic cardiovascular and strength training. Sadly, most of what I learned about leadership in[…] Keep reading →

When confident, assertive people with effective communication skills feel wronged, they tell the person who they feel wronged them. Maybe not in all cases, but they can. Once they do, they can do something about the problem. People who don’t assert themselves or who don’t have the skills to communicate their feeling wronged often, instead of telling anyone about it, simmer in their feelings. I refer to them as suffering in[…] Keep reading →

I’ve never had a flat stomach with definition—a six-pack—but I’m close to it now and I’m amazed at how well getting close to it motivates me to eat healthily and exercise. It’s not the first time I’ve felt motivation to get fit. Earlier times led to long-term changes nothing like what diet books seem to recommend. While I didn’t grow up fat, I was chubby enough that my step-brother made[…] Keep reading →

How often do you say “I need” something? “Need” is a powerful word in social contexts because neediness is one of the most repellent behaviors. Family and very close friends who understand each other deeply can get away with using it. Rarely otherwise. Neediness means they’re putting their interests before yours. Maybe you consider them justified or you know you’ll help them out of friendship, but they’re still doing it.[…] Keep reading →

Yesterday’s post discussed how the world complicates understanding empathy with vague definitions and associating it with neediness and unwanted emotions. Today I’ll describe a simple model to understand empathy simply. A simple model for empathy The model you have for something determines how you understand it and how you use it. I’ll talk about emotions in general and then empathy in particular A simple model for emotions in general Many[…] Keep reading →

You want to improve your empathy because you’ve heard it’s fundamental to leadership, influence, and motivation, but find it hard to define, measure, or see in use, making it hard to improve or learn from others. In other words, empathy is important for working with people, but hard to learn, all the more so for those who lack it most. While I don’t pretend to be the most empathetic person,[…] Keep reading →

Context: Losing your composure hurts you When you lose your composure you don’t get promoted. People don’t follow you if you lose your composure. You lose your ability to motivate or influence them. If you debate or argue with someone and you lose your composure and they don’t—that is, if your emotions become more intense than theirs—you generally lose the argument. People feel emotional reward when someone else’s emotions get[…] Keep reading →