Nonjudgment

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, here is my take on today's post, "Can My Cat Go Out if He Bullies Other Cats?" Playing outside is my cat's greatest joy. During the long Maine winters, he stares wistfully out the window. The moment the snow melts, he's outside climbing trees and running laps. The whole street knows my cat, Jasper, by name. Children play with him; he follows the mailman door to door; one neighbor even took photos of him, framed them and gave them to me. Jasper loves people and dogs but loathes cats. Almost daily, I'll hear the wailings of another cat, and I know Jasper is at fault. He doesn't outright fight them, but he corners…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, here is my take on today's post, "Is It O.K. to Give Cigarettes to a Homeless Person?" After a passer-by handed over a half-used pack of cigarettes to a homeless man on a Melbourne street, the man asked that I accompany him to a nearby convenience store to help him buy more cigarettes as he was running low for the week. That way, he claimed, he would be able to spend the small sums he received on food. Cigarettes are indeed expensive in Australia, as they come with a high disincentive tax. My offer to buy him sandwiches instead was vehemently refused. The homeless man accused me of being miserly and "dishonoring our…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, here is my take on today's post, "Can I Spread the Word About an Unvaccinated Child?" I'm pregnant with my first child, and concern for my unborn baby has prompted me to ask my friends if their children are vaccinated. One close friend, Y, has two young (vaccinated) children, and lives near another friend, X. Both Y and I have suspected for some time that X chose not to vaccinate her child, and we have been trying to work up the courage to ask her. With the new pregnancy as an excuse, the task fell to me. It turns out that X has indeed chosen not to vaccinate. When telling me this, she…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, here is my take on today's post, "Must I Tell My Therapist About My Other Therapist?" I've been in and out of therapy for seven years, and I recently had to find a new therapist because of a move. It's important to find a therapist who is the right fit, so I figured I'd "try out" a few and see whether we meshed or not. Fast-forward a few months: I have been consistently seeing two therapists because I can't decide on just one. The therapist I see on Mondays is close to my age and tends to probe specific statements I make, forcing me to do some deep (and very helpful) introspection. The…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, here is my take on today's post, "Is Sex With a Brain-Damaged Man Assault?" There is a man in our congregation who suffered a head injury in an accident. He is now permanently cognitively damaged. He lives in his own home with helpers. He has difficulty speaking and says that he has greater difficulty understanding what is said to him. When I write ''says,'' it sounds as though he speaks normally and conveys his meaning in normal sentences. He doesn't. My understanding is that he lives comfortably because there was a financial settlement due to the accident, but I don't know any of the details. A woman in our church became pregnant by…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, here is my take on today's post, "Should I Turn in My Tax-Cheating Relative?" My relative works in the marijuana industry, which has been legal in my state for almost two years. Nevertheless, he has worked under the table during that time, earning tens of thousands of dollars and not paying taxes on it. I confronted him and told him that I didn't think the tax evasion was ethical. He disagreed, saying that plenty of people do not report their tips. Our relationship has been a little strained since the confrontation, but we still mostly get along. Is it unethical of me to report him to the I.R.S.? Name Withheld My response: You're…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, here is my take on today's post, "Mom Left Me the House. What Do I Owe My Brothers?" I am in my early 60s and have two older brothers. Three years ago, my mother died suddenly, and I inherited her home and all its contents. The day after she died, one of my brothers threatened to sue me for his share of the inheritance. I waited to breathe until probate was over. Six months later, my brothers sent a letter accusing me of theft, coercion, emotional blackmail, mismanaging my mother's funds and using my ill health as a way to bilk her of money. A lawyer friend told me to ignore their threats…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "How Do I Deal With a Gun at a Relative's Home?" The patriarch of our large family came out of the closet as an elderly man nearing the end of his life; he now has a husband who is much younger, whom I will call Tim. The family embraced Tim, but the adjustment has been rocky, especially among some of the men. Tim has earned back this trust by being both husband and physical caretaker of our ailing relative. One recent evening, while his husband was ill, Tim and I sat alone in their home. The conversation turned to gun politics; I'm a…

kContinuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Can I Keep a Baby My Boyfriend Doesn't Want?" I am 38 and accidentally pregnant. It turns out my boyfriend does not ever want children, never mind after just a few months of dating; he wants me to have an abortion. I am pro-choice and not attached to what has begun to grow inside me. I had hoped to fall in love with a man and have a child with him, but I am well aware that I'm running out of time. While I'm apparently quite fertile, as time goes on the odds of getting pregnant get tougher, and there are enormous costs…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Is It O.K. to Protest Trump by Withholding Taxes?" I am increasingly distressed by many of the things that the Trump administration is, and is not, doing. The president himself has declared that not paying taxes ''makes him smart,'' and I do not trust that my federal tax dollars will be put to good use. I want to resist the president, his cronies and their destructive agenda(s) any way I can. Assuming I am willing to bear the legal and financial risks of being audited and caught, would it be ethical for me to redirect some or all of my federal taxes to…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Is It O.K. to Fire a Muslim Driver for Refusing to Carry Wine?" I hired a limo service to drive me to a dinner party at a friend's house. On the way, I remembered that I was supposed to bring the wine. I spotted a shop and asked the driver to pull over. When we arrived at my friend's house, I asked the driver if he would help me carry the wine, because I had another bag to carry. He refused, on the grounds that he was a Muslim and was not allowed to touch alcohol. So of course, I carried the wine…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Should I Tell Someone His Father-in-Law Is a Child Molester?" Many years ago, my middle-school science teacher was arrested and jailed for sexually molesting a female student. He was about 40 at the time, with a wife and several children, both biological and adopted. I knew the victim fairly well and was friends with two of her siblings. I spent a lot of time at their house, which was just down the road from mine. The science teacher drove the victim to a remote rural area near where I lived. This happened more than once. Eventually he was arrested and sent to jail…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Should I Report the Biased Remarks of a Campus Cop?" I am a graduate student at a prestigious university in the rural United States. On a recent evening, I found myself locked out of my campus office after the administrative staff in the building had left for the day. Sheepishly, I called the campus police for help, and soon after, an officer — a white man, probably in his 60s — showed up with the master keys. Because I felt bad about using police resources for such a silly oversight, I was apologetic and very friendly. He opened the door and then asked…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Does My Ex Owe Something to Our Grown Children?" After 25 years of marriage and three children, my husband and I divorced. He was a former seminarian and a pro-life Catholic when we married. He insisted on no birth control. When we divorced, he was a lawyer and vice president of a Fortune 500 company. I did not receive any spousal support, but he promised he would always be there for the children. I worked hard and was always able to take care of myself. I felt guilty about the divorce and never asked for more. Shortly after our divorce, my ex-husband remarried…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Should You Expose a Charity That Exploits Its Employees?" I recently began training for a staff position at a nonprofit that offers services to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. I was very happy to be offered this position, particularly in light of the current political climate. The job required several weeks of training, followed by on-the-job training, to become state-certified. When filling out payroll paperwork, I asked when we would receive our first paycheck. I was told that we wouldn't until the training was complete, including the on-the-job time. I asked the staff person if she was aware this was illegal…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Can Dad Bring His Second Wife to Mom's Funeral?" My question is whether it's appropriate for Woman B, who broke up Woman A's marriage, to attend Woman A's funeral. My dad planned to bring his second wife, with whom he had an affair before he left my mother (after 35 years of marriage), to my mom's funeral. I thought it was inappropriate for her to be there; my mother disliked and resented Woman B for the rest of her life, even though my mother eventually remarried. To me, it seemed wrong that Woman B be among the many people at the service honoring…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Should I Get a Pet From a No-Kill Shelter?" I recently experienced the loss of a much-loved pet. I am looking into getting a new cat or cats. My dilemma is where: 1. A no-kill animal shelter; 2. A shelter that euthanizes animals if there are too many. Do I opt for the kill shelter — thereby saving lives? Or support the no-kill shelter? M. Watkin, Cobden, Ill. My response: Why are you asking someone else? Are you a child? Haven't you learned to decide and act for yourself? Some people think one solution is best, others think the other. I'm sure others…

Continuing my series of responses to the New York Times', The Ethicist, without imposing values, here is my take on today's post, "Does Confining Deplorable Remarks to Your Home Make Them All Right?" My husband and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, which has often made for interesting conversation. We have been married for more than 20 years. He has many wonderful attributes and has been a supportive husband and father. However, I am disturbed when he makes comments that are racist (linking skin color to a store's clientele) or classist (saying that "scholarship" students have no right to criticize their college, or that "scholarship" students at a private school, not those who pay "full freight," should have the student teacher). When…