Blog / Tips

A question to ask all the time: “Is this making my life better”

I watch my share of television. I eat my share of unhealthy food. I find plenty of ways to waste my time. But I'm decreasing those things all the time. I think a lot of people decide what to do or not based on the thing or activity in question. Will that chocolate cake taste good? Will I enjoy watching that show? Do I want to go to that party? The problem with that approach is that it leads you to do things based on the qualities of that thing. Most things come your way because someone thought you'd enjoy them. They probably also benefit from your participation, so they show you it most attractively. Then you get caught following your nose, doing whatever comes…

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June 28, 2013
Exercises / Freedom / Leadership / Models / Tips

A model for one of the most valuable skills related to beliefs

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] This series covered a lot about flexibility with your beliefs -- the ability to try out believing something new and letting the new belief crowd out the old one. Doing so is hard because believing means believing something is right. If you don't get it, changing beliefs is hard because you'll think it means believing what you thought was wrong is right and vice versa. I made a point of undermining beliefs being absolutely right or wrong -- it's impossible for…

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June 20, 2013
Exercises / Models / Perception / Tips

A model for learning potentially painful, embarrassing, challenging skills

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you ever hold back from trying to learn something because you know you'll have to try several times to get it right? Are you afraid of falling, failing, getting hurt, and getting laughed at? Today's model addresses that, giving you a model for trying new things. It gives a great visualization for people who master a difficult task, as difficult, painful, publicly viewable, and challenging as any project you'll take on. You've likely done this harder challenge yourself. A model…

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June 19, 2013
Blog

A reader’s testimonial

A reader wrote this testimonial. As I wrote him personally, I am honored and flattered that this material was useful for someone to improve his life with -- including asking for and getting a position he wanted at work with more creativity and responsibility, taking on leadership roles, and improving his regular habits. I'm sharing it here in addition to my testimonial page because by describing his background and specifying (and linking to) what was most useful for him, he made his experience useful to others. I hope it's helpful to you. Thank you, David! Although I've worked for some big companies and have achieved success so far, I've been struggling with feelings of inadequacy and, more importantly, a growing desire for leading my own…

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June 11, 2013
Exercises / Freedom / Models

A model that all models are flawed but inevitable

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Though this series covers models and their importance, one of their most important properties is that they inherently have flaws and inconsistencies. Flawed as they are, we can't avoid using models -- we can't avoid believing things beyond what our experience allows. The universe is larger and more complex than we can observe or comprehend so we have to make do with flawed and inconsistent simplifications. You might say you can never be completely right about anything -- not you nor…

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June 9, 2013
A model for balancing pushing myself with enjoying life
Awareness / Choosing/Decision-Making / Education / Exercises / Models / Visualization

A model for balancing pushing myself with enjoying life

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you work hard to improve your life -- studying hard, working long hours, being patient with a significant other, etc? If you're always pushing, when do you get to enjoy life? But if you're always enjoying, do you ever improve? Do you wonder if you're slacking too much or working too hard? Do you wonder how to balance both aspects of your life? Today's model shows how I think about how I balance pushing, trying, and improving with enjoying, relaxing…

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June 7, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Models / Perception

A model for what improves life the most

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] What can you do to improve your life the most? Exercise more? Eat more healthily? Save or earn more money? Improve your social skills? Buy a house? I've found success in many areas of life. I think I could safely say I've performed in the top few percent of performers (to the extent you can quantify these things) in fitness, earning, academic success, business success, relationship success, and various other important things. Today's belief is about what, of all things I've…

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June 6, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Models / Tips

A model for the mechanics of how you change your beliefs

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] After reading a lot of this series, you probably found some beliefs you'd like to try. You might wonder "how do I change my beliefs?" If you haven't intentionally changed your beliefs before and you don't get how beliefs work, you might not realize how easily you can change or how easily you can learn that skill. Today's model will show how you store and change beliefs. A model for the mechanics of how you change your beliefs: Your self-talk voices…

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June 3, 2013
Awareness / Education / Exercises / Models / Tips

A model to identify the parts of your life most ripe for improvement

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Today's model has special meaning to me because realizing it set me to learning about anxiety, the first emotion I started to learn analyzing to understanding emotional intelligence and self-awareness. I hope it inspires you as much as it did me. Context It started with performing on stage for the class play in business school. Months before the performance I wrote a sketch for Follies, the business school class play. It's mostly inside jokes for business school students, not high art,…

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May 28, 2013
A model of emotional intelligence and self-awareness
Awareness / Exercises / Models / Visualization

A model of emotional intelligence and self-awareness

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] What is self-awareness? What is emotional intelligence? Everybody I know agrees that improving them improves your life and ability to lead yourself and others. "Know thyself," a basic instruction for improving yourself that has stood the test of thousands of years, means improving self-awareness. Yet few people can define either of these terms effectively. Today's model explains them both. A model for emotional intelligence and self-awareness First, some basics I'll take for granted. You have a head and body. You breathe.…

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May 26, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Fitness / Models / Nature / Tips

A model to cover life’s basics

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you ever feel overwhelmed with obligations? So much that you find yourself losing sense of your priorities? Today's simple model reminds me of my basics. If you're reading this at some regular, calm time, it may seem too basic to think about. Its value comes when you're stressed or overwhelmed. Then it can shift your perspective and simplify things. A model to cover the basics: You can't improve anything until you've covered sleep, food, and exercise. However you want to…

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May 25, 2013
A few models that don’t improve your life that effectively
Awareness / Evolutionary Psychology / Exercises / Models / Tips

A few models that don’t improve your life that effectively

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] I wrote about The Method being an effective way to improve your life and, when applied to a team, to improve your leadership style. Based on the Model, The Method says that if you align your environment, beliefs, and behavior with the emotions you want, you'll feel emotional reward. Feeling reward means you'll feel motivated to continue your change through to completion. Most people don't know the Model or follow the Method. They use techniques that can work, but generally not…

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May 24, 2013
Blog / Exercises / Models / Tips

A model to replace jerks with people who improve your life

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Who hasn't had to deal with an annoying coworker? Or boss? Or family member? ... someone you couldn't get away from and had to treat respectfully, no matter what you felt about them? I once worked on a consulting project for a company with a difficult-to-work-with (to put it mildly) CEO. He was friendly before the project started, and you could see how he brought in clients, but I found him overbearing with his team. Soon after the project started I…

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May 22, 2013
Art / Exercises / Humor / Models / Tips

A model for what makes a great story

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Storytelling seems so common to all cultures it's probably in our genes to like a good story. We love hearing messages in the format of a story. If any has given you advice on how to give a presentation, someone probably told you to make it like a story. Storytelling skills are a universally useful and attractive social skill. So what makes a great story? Why do we like to listen to some but not others? I don't claim to be…

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May 21, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Leadership / Models / Tips

A model to think deeper

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Have you gotten to consider and tackle the important things in your life? Do some important issues still elude you? Do you still spend time in the unimportant parts of life? Or even when on the important parts, do the urgent fires take more of your time than you want? Urgency Importance Important, not urgent Important, urgent Unimportant, not urgent Unimportant, urgent Today's belief helps you get to those topics. A model to think more deeply: You think on the time…

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May 19, 2013
Blog / Education / Entrepreneurship / Leadership

My Seminar on Leadership Through Emotional Intelligence and Self-awareness in four evening sessions starting June 17, 6:30pm-9:30pm in New York

I'll be leading the next session of my leadership seminar in New York in June. I'm experimenting as four three-hour evening sessions Session 1: Monday, June 17 Session 2: Wednesday, June 19 Session 3: Monday, June 24 Session 4: Wednesday, June 26 I'll give the same full attention I do for a weekend session. Sign up here. Here's the course description: What You’ll Learn If you don't know how to lead, you can only do what you can do yourself. If you can lead, you can achieve anything anyone else did with a team. Even if you want only to live a quiet, happy, rewarding life you still have to lead yourself. The more you know how to lead, the more you are in control…

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May 18, 2013
Blog / Exercises / Models

A model to help get you in better shape

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Today's belief counteracts a common trend I see about exercise. I forget if I've written about my impressions of seeing five-kilometer walks in Central Park with water stations and ambulances. While I support being prepared, I can't help but wonder if the suggestion that a five-kilometer walk could be a health risk might stop more people from exercising than these walks promote. I'm sure there are people for whom walking five kilometers could be a risk, but I imagine they would…

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May 17, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Models / Nonjudgment / Tips

A model to get in fewer arguments and influence more effectively

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you get in more arguments than you'd like? Do you feel like people don't understand you and you have to explain yourself a lot in these arguments? I can't stop all your arguments, but today's belief and strategy will cut down on them. It will also increase your ability to influence. A model to argue less and influence more: No two people completely agree on what's right, wrong, good, or bad and they resist when you try to get them…

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May 15, 2013
Exercises / Freedom / Models / Nonjudgment / Perception / Tips

A model to help accept things without judgment or feeling sorry for yourself

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you find yourself feeling sorry for yourself and not like feeling that way? Do you get depressed or feel helpless when things don't go your way? Do you wish you could take things in stride better so you could move on from or solve problems and get on to better times? A model to help accept things without judgment or feeling sorry for yourself: "Good thing bad thing, who knows?" Here’s an old story that comes in many versions (here…

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May 14, 2013
Awareness / Blog / Leadership / Tips

A model to live like beautiful people do

[Today is the forty-second in a series on daily and weekly beliefs that improve my life and may improve yours, in no particular order. See the introduction to the series and the value of flexibility in beliefs for background.] People commonly believe that beautiful women have better lives than everybody else and that they have access to more valuable things. I came across that belief a lot when I used to go out dancing a lot. The evidence seemed overwhelming -- they automatically get invited to the best parties, they get past the doorpeople, men buy them drinks if the club doesn't already give them, and so on. In regular life, studies show attractive people get paid more, get promoted more, and so on. Sounds…

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May 13, 2013
Exercises / Favorites / Fitness / Habits / Models / SIDCHAs / Tips

A model for consistency: If you miss one day you can miss two. If you miss two it’s over.

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you have trouble keeping a habit going? Today's model is my model for maintaining my daily habits. A model for consistency: If you miss one day you can miss two. If you miss two it's over. My friend who set this blog up for me told me this belief when I asked him how often he posted -- a few days a week, every weekday, or what. He said he posted every day and that if you miss one day,…

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May 12, 2013
Blog

Free short-term coaching from me!

Usually I take on clients for a couple months at a time. I am testing something new: very short-term coaching, as in twenty minutes. On any topic you want -- business, personal, family, school, ... it's up to you. Sound too short? I bet you already started thinking if you have anything you could get effective help for in twenty minutes. And I bet you could think of something. And I bet just preparing for a twenty-minute call will get you to organize your thoughts, helping you understand it better and starting to solve it already. Besides, it's only twenty minutes. When I coach business school students at Columbia it's for fifty minutes, and I've seen them make big transformations. You can too. I am…

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May 7, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Freedom / Models / Tips

A belief to help you let go when you want to

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] People say "You should just let it go" all the time. Are you able just to let go of important things? Personally, I never could. I don't think many people can. Yet I've been able to achieve the same effect. Today's model covers how I've achieved it for myself, at least. I don't claim to have made up this model -- only that it works. A model to help you let go: I can't let ideas go, but I can crowd…

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May 7, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Leadership / Models

What happens when you change beliefs

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] The movie Moneyball and the book it's based on illustrate how new beliefs take root and can challenge and crowd out your old beliefs. Today's post is long, but the movie very well illustrates some stages and the emotional challenge of adopting a new belief, facing and overcoming resistance, and how it can lead to effective leadership and creating community. I'll quote enough of it here if you haven't seen the movie, but it was nominated for seven Oscars and stars…

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May 6, 2013
Exercises / Models / Tips

A model to help create the life and relationships you want

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you want an awesome life filled with things you love or do you want a crappy life filled with things you dislike and hate? I'd consider today's belief too simple and obvious to post except that so few people seem to get it. At least they don't live consistently with the strategy it suggests. A model to help create the life and relationships you want: You get good at feeling and expressing the emotions you practice and express. Today's belief, that…

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May 5, 2013

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