Communication skills exercises, part V: Meaningful connection

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] UPDATE: See my February 2016 webinar video on the Meaningful Connection exercise. It goes into more depth. Have you noticed how some people, when they meet someone, draw the other person in, creating a great, meaningful conversation right off the bat? Do you wish you could? How much more valuable is a connection when the other person wants to follow up with you and appreciates you talking to them? How much more likely will you be to get a job offer, date, or…

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Communication skills exercises, part IV: Storytelling

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Storytelling is a fundamental element of human communication. Tell someone what you did the other day and they may end up bored. Tell them a story well and they'll hang on your every word. What makes the difference? This exercise teaches the structure of a story -- how to generate interest to hook the listener, then how to generate tension to hold them. Storytelling is an art. I'm not a master storyteller, but I've improved by learning structure. This exercise compiles exercises from…

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Communication skills exercises, part III: Conversation hopping

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you ever start a conversation you want to talk to, then run out of things to say? This exercise will help. I adapted it from my friend Sebastian. When you do the exercise with someone who doesn't know you are doing it, they rarely sense you're doing anything other than conversing as usual. The exercise doesn't mimic a whole genuine conversation, just part of one, but you can use it in any conversation to continue a meandering conversation or jump start one…

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Animated Freedombox logo!

In the midst of my series on Communication Skills Exercises, yesterday I worked with the brilliant, talented, and accomplished Nina Paley -- free culture advocate, creator of Sita Sings the Blues, cartoonist of the insightful, funny, and subversive Mimi and Eunice, and friendly neighbor. We animated the Freedombox logos John Emerson and I worked on. She also does things like post blog entries titled "I am awesome," suggesting an obvious affinity for someone as awesome as I. I enjoyed the links in the reference section of Nina's Wikipedia page. Search on her and you'll find more creativity, humor, and support for spreading and sharing culture and ideas. She knew about the Freedombox project and was open to contributing. We shared ideas of how to animate…

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Communication skills exercises, part II: Body language

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] I love starting seminars with this exercise. It's simple and interactive. It gets people's blood flowing and meeting their neighbors. It works best in a group, but you can apply it on your own. The principles The principle is that your body language -- your position, motion, posture, etc -- influences your emotions and those of people around you. Likewise theirs influence yours. Since your emotions motivate you, changing your body language change what you and people in your environment do. Awareness of…

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Communication skills exercises, part I

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] I wasn't born with great communication skills. I don't think I had great problems with communication, but I was behind the curve in many areas. As I learned to appreciate and value emotions and relationships, I worked on improving my social skills. People now sometimes compliment me on what I have today, so I believe anyone can develop great social skills. One seminar I give, sometimes in a series, is on communication and social skills for business, social, and any other interactions. It's…

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You don’t know your values until you test them, part II

Yesterday's post described how interacting with a former Austrian soldier, now friend's grandfather led me to examine my values. Such interactions lead you to expand your understanding of others and of humanity as well. Let's understand the situation. Comparing people to Nazis has become an internet joke (perhaps insightful) called Godwin's Law. This situation isn't that. This man was a Nazi foot soldier, proud of some aspects of it. I'm not comparing or judging, only using the real-life situation to examine values from a perspective beyond most people's every day experience. I posted this anecdote because it's been on my mind since posting this exercise in improving your empathy three weeks ago. That post got more response and feedback than most others. You can read…

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You don’t know your values until you test them

You may think you know your values. Until you test them, you probably don't. Understanding their boundaries helps you understand them better. Testing them in controlled situations prepares you for surprises others aren't prepared for. Preparation like that makes for effective leadership of yourself and others. If you never plan to reach any boundaries, you may not expect to benefit from examining them. But then if you never examine them, you won't do well when you do things outside going to work, watching TV, and buying things in malls. I've thought about values -- my own and values in general -- a lot, I suspect more than average. I've come to many conclusions about them. The following anecdote presents a case whose meaning and applications…

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Walking is not dangerous

When you run in Central Park a lot, you see a lot of fun runs, races for cures, and light sporting events -- typically five kilometer runs raising money for charity. Typically also many of the people involved don't run; they walk most of the distance. They still wear workout clothes -- often higher quality gear than I wear. I don't think walking exercises you as much as running, but it gets them outside and moving at least. These races always give out water. They often have water tables every kilometer. Now, don't get me wrong. I appreciate that people need water to live. I also appreciate that event organizers don't want liability for anyone getting dehydrated. But walking or even running five kilometers does…

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Have you forgotten you’re alive?

Have you forgotten you're alive? Do you want to escape the world -- the heat of everyday life? New York City is supposed to hit 103 F (39 C) today. Yesterday was that hot. People say it's horrible. If you think the world is that horrible, go for a run in Central Park. You'll feel alive. the heat won't bother you so much afterward. You'll remember we were born to live in this world. We adapted to it. We have what it takes to survive and flourish in it. The sign said 97 when I started yesterday. It was less crowded than usual, but people were still there. I got passed by more other runners than usual. People have crazy ways to remind themselves they're…

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You can’t “create your world” but you can do better.

I don't like most new age thinking. I consider it vague, misleading, and often vacuous. I prefer more precise thinking and communication, particularly when the subject is understanding yourself and your environment. Clarity and precision take more effort, but they pay off by making you more effective and productive. For example, new agers say things like "you create your world." I understand what they intend. I like the message of responsibility. I think believing you create your world can lead you to improvements over many alternatives. But the statement is vague. It implies you can create a world without gravity if you want to fly. Flying sounds fun, and with my science background I'm open to discovering holes in our present knowledge that would allow…

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Words to live by

People often comment they can't tell when I'm joking. Taking many things seriously takes the fun out of life, so I like finding humor everywhere. I finally found a way to put it I like. With credit to Scarface, I'm always joking, even when I'm serious. And I'm always serious, even when I'm joking.

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The best day of the year!
Aldrin poses on the Moon, allowing Armstrong to photograph both of them using the visor's reflection.

The best day of the year!

Although July 20th is celebrated the world over first and foremost as my birthday, it also happens to be the anniversary of a human first stepping on the moon. According to Wikipedia's page on Apollo 11 Apollo 11 was the spaceflight that landed the first humans on Earth's Moon on July 20, 1969 (20:17:40 UTC). The mission, carried out by the United States, is considered a major accomplishment in the history of space exploration. Launched from Florida on July 16, the fifth manned mission, and the third lunar mission of NASA's Apollo program, was crewed by Commander Neil Armstrong, Command Module Pilot Michael Collins, and Lunar Module Pilot Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, Jr. On July 20, Armstrong and Aldrin landed in the Sea of Tranquillity and…

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How to turn lemons into lemonade, part IV

Wrapping up this series on how to make your life successful using Johnny Depp's example... Anyone can call any part of their life bad and feel sorry for themselves. Depp could have and he almost certainly would not have achieved the success he did nor gotten to do what he loves every day. Anyone can call something positive. Personally I don't buy just calling something positive. I'm not a fan of the power of positive thinking, though I'd choose it over negative thinking if I had to pick one, but that's a false dichotomy. You don't have to pick one and I don't find them different. Calling something positive means something else is relatively negative. What I find most helpful is evaluating things based on…

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How to turn lemons into lemonade, part III

Here's a view I find helpful, relevant to how Johnny Depp made useful something others would lament. Whether Depp used it or not, I don't know. I don't view things in life -- jobs like telemarketing; tangible things like dogs, cats, and trees; intangible things like ideas; ... whatever -- as good, bad, positive, or negative. They just are what they are -- jobs, dogs, cats, etc. Any value they have comes from how they affect your life. If they don't affect your life at all, they have no value. If they change your life significantly, they have significant value. Even significance only determines the quantity of the value, not its quality. If something changes your life it changes your motivations -- meaning it affects…

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How to turn lemons into lemonade, part II

Following up yesterday's example of how one person created success out of what others might consider disaster or failure: Johnny Depp used telemarketing to transform a floundering music passion into one the top trajectories in acting today. To people in the rat race, who blindly accept other people's values for themselves, resorting to telemarketing would suck. They'd probably say their lives were disasters and be depressed. People who didn't blindly accept other people's values but still don't understand their own might view resorting to telemarketing as terrible but necessary. They wouldn't like it, but since they had to do it they wouldn't let it get them down too much. People well out of the grind, who think about their values and don't accept those of…

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How to turn lemons into lemonade, part I

Life has challenges. Successful people succeed anyway -- not because they have easier lives, but for knowing how to handle challenges. They know how to use unexpected or undesired situations to improve their lives. Successful people make their lives great. You can too. In particular, you can learn from their successes. An interview of Johnny Depp on Inside the Actors Studio revealed some of how he succeeded. Depp is one of the great actors of his generation. As one measure of his success, his films have grossed $8 billion. How did he achieve so much success? Whereas some actors were born into Hollywood families or had other easy access, Depp was born in Kentucky with no such access. Here is the part of the interview on…

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Calling emotions positive or negative doesn’t help — it hurts

Emotions are how your emotional system reacts to your perception of your environment with motivation to behave. In every culture around the world, in every language, essentially all of us share the same emotions. This commonality is not an accident. Human behavior is driven by human emotions and our behavior is what made us so overwhelmingly successful in population and geographic spread. Our behavior and emotions didn't come out of nowhere. They evolved, as in every other species. Our would-be ancestors who behaved less effectively in their environments didn't have as many children and we didn't descend from them. Our ancestors who behaved most effectively had the most children and we are their descendents. You may say you feel good when you enjoy ice cream…

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Roots — I descended from seventeenth-century Salem puritans!

If you've read Alex Haley's great book Roots, you know the incredible emotion you feel when after telling the stories of many people who came or were brought to America from Africa -- gripping stories -- and seemingly out of nowhere in the middle of a story about some woman she gives birth to him!, Alex Haley himself. It's an amazing literary transformation from history to memoir that makes history come alive. I just had such an event. Years ago my grandmother made me a quilt whose pattern included leaves on which she wrote names, dates, and places, some going back to the 1500s, Norway, and England; others being relatives on my mom's side. I never researched them, but wondered about them. Suddenly I've learned…

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Making childhood dreams happen

Everyone kid gets asked what they want to be when they grow up. Do you remember what you said? Did it happen? Somewhere in the mid-2000s, I remembered a vignette from my childhood for the first time in decades, which was someone asking that question of me and my response, which was to say I wanted to be an inventor. I didn't remember it in the meantime because of what the person said next. I don't remember who it was, but it was at my grandmother's house, so it was probably a great aunt, great uncle or someone from two generations back. The person replied with perhaps the most obvious question from the perspective of the person asking, but not from the child's perspective, which…

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Culture shock

People misunderstand culture shock. They talk about it happening when they go to a new place, but that's not when you really get culture shock. When you go to a new place you expect things to be different so differences don't shock you that much. You get culture shock when you return after having been away and having adoped foreign standards without realizing it. Then what used to be normal seems unexpectedly strange and you are shocked. I'm just back from overseas and the same culture shock hit me as always does, no matter how many times it already has because it's such a huge effect: Americans are fat.  

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Fun to imagine

Has anyone ever told you you were thinking about things too much? Was it an annoying thing for them to say, perhaps dismissive? When someone says that to me I usually point out how I like to play with ideas. Ideas to me are like blocks for a kid -- I like to put them together in different ways to see what they look like together, I build structures with them, I look at them from different angles to see what they look like, I share what I've come up with with others to get their perspective, and I'm curious what other people have come up with to expand my repertoire. To me playing with ideas is fun. Someone saying I'm thinking too much is…

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How to choose between nearly equal but incomparable options

Someone I'm coaching wrote the following: I will be graduating from college in May, and I am trying to decide which two cities I should move to after graduation. I've been wanting to move to NYC ever since I first visited in high school and been going there ever since. On the other hand, everyone that I know tells me that I should move to LA instead and think I would be better off there. I've only been to LA once when I was younger, (visited Manhattan Beach and Santa Monica) but I did have a great time there. I do enjoy both but for the moment I am feeling NYC. To name a few why I'm feeling NYC, (specifically Manhattan.) I love diversity of…

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Inline videos

Now that I'm out from China's firewall of the popular social media sites, I could play with video. I figured out how to host and show my own videos inline, as opposed to posting them to another site and linking to them. So today I converted a few of them. Since I'm using new software, please let me know if videos don't play for you so I can fix any problems. Thanks. (Here is a page with two videos shown the new way -- do they show correctly for you?) Sorry, not that exciting, but my blog will be more free and independent as a result and less blocked.

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Statements about time are statements about priorities and values

My father once said to me (paraphrasing) When someone says they have time for something or not, they aren't talking about time, they're talking about priorities. Everyone has time for what they want to do. If they say they don't have time, it means something else is more important. That observation has been one of the most valuable lessons I learned from him. Since then whenever someone (including myself) has told me what time they had or didn't for something, I've always translated their statement into a statement about priorities. The revision has always clarified the meaning better. My reaction has always been more effective and understanding. Not that I've kept track rigorously, but I don't believe I found a counterexample where thinking in priorities…

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