“What do I say to a 99-year-old woman?” “What do I say to a famous person?” “What do I say to someone who could help my career without seeming selfish?” All I could think to ask was what it’s like to be 99, which seemed irrelevant and the same question people have asked her for a decade. I don’t like when people find out I don’t eat meat and ask[…] Keep reading →

Frances invited me to her office. The first day I went, I approached the front desk. The security guy was friendly. As he processed my ID he said, “Oh yeah, Frances gets big visitors. Sometimes Generals come in. Four stars, ones from TV. They all have to wait for her.” Impressive! Her office is in a big Park Avenue high-rise office building in the 50s. The lobby had fifty-foot ceilings,[…] Keep reading →

Talk about leading people and a lot of people will talk to you about convincing people as a way of leading them. I recommend against this strategy. Convincing someone implies logically debating. Changing someone’s behavior means changing their motivations, which means changing their emotions. Logical argument evokes emotions of debate. Convincing motivates people to disagree. They also feel like you’re trying to impose your values on them. If you disagree[…] Keep reading →

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one’s actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today’s post, “Is It Wrong If a Friend Sells My Hand-Me-Downs?” I have two small children and am frequently divesting our household of toys, clothes and other child supplies. I sell the larger items, but I typically give[…] Keep reading →

The subtlety and nuance of ordinary life has more than enough to compel it without all the drama that most TV and movies add. Even sitting still for ten minutes is more excitement than most people can handle. The scene below from Girl With a Pearl Earing puts more intimacy, vulnerability, and sexuality into the slightest movement of a hand. The sensuality of mixing paints, the eye contact, and the[…] Keep reading →

After my series of posts lamenting the overdramatization of TV and movie dramas that misrepresent regular life (part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5) and after loving Woody Allen movies for decades, I watched Hannah and Her Sisters for the first time. The movie reminded me what art can express when you aren’t trying to make everything jump off the screen. I can see why Roger Ebert called it Allen’s best[…] Keep reading →

A reader asked for follow-up on how media shows leadership, following three posts from a couple weeks ago—This is not leadership. It makes people think it is and that’s part of why we have poor leaders, part 1; part 2; part 3; and Learning about relationships ruins most movies and TV. Before the questions, I don’t want to overstate what I know about relationships and how media shows them, so[…] Keep reading →

It seems standard today to eat lunch in front of the computer. I do it a lot too. Many people love their work, love eating, and are combining things they love. That makes sense to me. But many people don’t love their work. They consider it a necessity to pay rent and support themselves. Many of them consider working for others their lives’ fundamental activity—as in, when someone asks what[…] Keep reading →

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one’s actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today’s post, “Do Another Woman’s Marriage Vows Bind Me?” A single woman, I moved to a new town and became friendly with a married man who then told me that he was romantically interested in me. He said[…] Keep reading →