non-judgmental acceptance Archives - Joshua Spodek

Blog

Insensitive, compassionless people

This blog talks a lot about beliefs and how you can create your own. I don't always talk about the limits to what skills creating beliefs can give you. If your mind can't accept a belief, it won't work for you. For example, maybe I'd be happier if I believed I could fly, but I have too much evidence to the contrary. I just can't believe it. Sometimes a belief works great until some experience stops you from believing it any more. Then your life gets worse. Sometimes someone does something so outside your beliefs that you can't hold it any more and you lose all the reward it brought you. It sucks. When I started graduate school at the University of Pennsylvania, I found…

October 15, 2013

Blog / Leadership

I’d rather be rejected for who I am than accepted for who I’m not

I've written before about on opening up, allowing yourself to be vulnerable in business and personal relationships, and the risks involved, mainly to your emotions. Probably the most important one was on my experience that choosing to care about something and to act on that caring means you'll hurt. And the more you care the more you risk getting hurt. I wrote that post, "Leadership, personal development, choosing to care, and emotional pain," on leadership and professional relationships, but you can probably tell the pain of a personal relationship prompted me writing it. I wrote about how horrible I consider small-talk in a potentially productive relationship, especially when you first meet someone in "How to stop boring everyone you meet." Sure, small talk helps in…

September 13, 2013

Blog

Everyone has insecurities. Why don’t some people seem insecure?

I think my response to a client's email would be valuable for anyone. I don't think many people make the progress he's making and I think his doing it could inspire others. I know he inspires me. He didn't come to me for personal insecurities or shame. He came to improve his life in other ways. Only once he started making progress there he realized things that he was holding himself back with internal conflict he had avoided facing for years. External success and internal success often build on each other. They often require each other. He wrote: Thank you for all your help!! I cannot express how much I appreciate your feedback and it's motivating to have people much more experienced than I provide…

September 4, 2013

How to hate less and grow in the process, simply

Today's post is a new exercise I made up that I found improved my thought patterns. It's simple and takes no time, money, or other resources. Just your attention. It combines three things that work for me: changing words to change you thoughts, celebrating what you accept, and a property about truth. Ingredient 1: changing words changes your thoughts I've written about simple exercises to change a few words here and there that can change how you think. For example Avoiding starting responses with "No," "But,"or "However" (from Marshall Goldsmith) Judging people less I'm amazed at the effectiveness of such small changes in changing your thoughts. But when it works it works. Ingredient 2: what you can accept you can celebrate I also wrote a…

July 31, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Tips

More ways to annoy someone you’re talking to

The other day I wrote about how annoying someone saying "Why are you getting hung up on just one word?" sounded. Then I noticed a friend using some other annoying words and phrases in conversation that sounded annoying and decided to share them here. I don't think she realized how annoying she was. So I put a few more annoying things, not as a how-to, but for people who might not realize they are provoking others and so if someone says them to you, you can avoid being annoyed as much. Provocative things to say that belittle the other person's values Why are you offended? Why are you so hung up on such a little thing? I didn't realize you were so sensitive. You're hung…

July 20, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Tips

What is morality?

The concept of morality is for many people a complex topic. I like to simplify complex things, as long as the simplification works. If the simplification doesn't work I drop it, but sometimes the simplification works well. Longtime readers of this blog know I avoid using terms like right, wrong, good, bad, and evil and have an exercise to avoid them that taught me a lot, decreased how many arguments I got into, and benefited me in other ways. So the less I communicated judgment, the more I questioned the value of anyone communicating judgment and the more I started paying attention to how people used the word and concept of morality. I came to substitute the model that morality just meant someone telling someone…

June 22, 2013

Awareness / Exercises / Nonjudgment / Perception

A model to tolerate when people pre-judge me

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Doesn't it bother you when someone treats you like a preconceived notion instead of the person you are? Doesn't it feel dehumanizing? Today's belief came from an experience I had riding a bike as a kid and helps me visualize what happens and resolve the problem. I was riding near some trolley tracks. When I crossed them at a slight angle my front wheel fell into the track, making it impossible to steer. The bike and I fell down. If I…

May 30, 2013

Exercises / Freedom / Models / Nonjudgment / Tips

A model to help live and let live

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] One of the things I love most about where I live, the West Village, is its diversity. And not just in the things people most talk about, like skin color, where they're from, gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, and a few others. As the neighborhood continues to gentrify that diversity seems to decrease. I feel like here people support or at least tolerate what others do as long as you aren't hurting anyone. That diversity seems intact. I like that mutual…

May 29, 2013

Awareness / Exercises / Models / Nonjudgment / Tips

A model to get in fewer arguments and influence more effectively

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you get in more arguments than you'd like? Do you feel like people don't understand you and you have to explain yourself a lot in these arguments? I can't stop all your arguments, but today's belief and strategy will cut down on them. It will also increase your ability to influence. A model to argue less and influence more: No two people completely agree on what's right, wrong, good, or bad and they resist when you try to get them…

May 15, 2013

Exercises / Freedom / Models / Nonjudgment / Perception / Tips

A model to help accept things without judgment or feeling sorry for yourself

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you find yourself feeling sorry for yourself and not like feeling that way? Do you get depressed or feel helpless when things don't go your way? Do you wish you could take things in stride better so you could move on from or solve problems and get on to better times? A model to help accept things without judgment or feeling sorry for yourself: "Good thing bad thing, who knows?" Here's an old story that comes in many versions (here…

May 14, 2013

Exercises / Leadership / Models

A model to rid your life of guilt and blame in favor of getting things done

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you get that guilt and blame don't help your life but you can't stop yourself from blaming others sometimes and feeling guilty other times? Do you wish you could get over feeling guilty for things you can't change? Do you want to stop getting into arguments and losing friendships over blaming them? Today's model almost completely removed my habit of blaming others and of blaming myself, which led to guilt. I wrote about this topic at length about two years…

April 16, 2013

Exercises / Models / Tips

A model to motivate success instead of feeling sorry of yourself

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you envy others' achievements? Or happiness? Or true love? Or something someone else has that eludes you? Today's belief helps keep me resilient to feeling bad in such cases and motivates me to improve my life. I expect it will work for you too. A model for what you can do: Anything one person can do I can too I believe that for anything important in life, anything someone else can do, I can too. I don't think anyone else…

April 11, 2013

Awareness / Exercises / Fitness / Models / Tips

A model to motivate physical and emotional fitness

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Your body is the physical manifestation of your thoughts and behavior. Two starting points for today's belief. First, how do you decide what diet, exercise, and beliefs are right for you? Some people are more muscular, some are thinner, some seem happier, others the opposite. Diet and exercise books flood the market. How do you make sense of it all? Second, before your next shower, stop for a moment, look at yourself in the mirror, and think about the person you…

April 10, 2013

Awareness / Exercises / Models / Nature / Tips

A model for stress that calms you down

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Does the world stress you out? Do people and things cause you stress? Do you get even more stressed at your helplessness to reduce how stressful the world is? Do you get even more frustrated and depressed at your bad luck that you had to be born at a time when the world was so stressful? Would you be glad to know you can decrease all that stress? No medicine required. You don't have to change anything except your beliefs. But…

April 8, 2013

A model to get people to show up on time for you: everybody gets fifteen minutes

Exercises / Freedom / Models / My Favorite Posts / Nonjudgment / Tips

A model to get people to show up on time for you: everybody gets fifteen minutes

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you get annoyed at people showing up late? That they don't respect you by wasting your time showing up late, when you respected them for showing up on time? I used to fume at people showing up late. Fume! Then I tested a strategy that works so well, I never again had a problem with people showing up late. If I hadn't tried it I never would have believed it. For that matter, I would have fought against it. In…

April 7, 2013

Awareness / Exercises / Models / Nonjudgment / Tips

A simple, effective strategy for improving yourself — probably the best I know, and it’s totally free: Feedforward

[This post is part of a series on Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] What if I told you the best way for you to improve yourself takes two minutes, costs nothing, and people will feel honored and flattered to help you with it? And you can do it anytime. Sound too good to be true? It's not. Read on. Oh, and make sure you get to the section on when I use it for how using it can help in your most important relationships at the most important times. Have you noticed the one…

April 5, 2013

Awareness / Exercises / Models / Tips

A belief to motivate trying new things

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Are you nervous to try new things? Do you wish you tried more things? Do you see others enjoying things you're too scared to try? I found a way to motivate trying new things. My model to try new things: I have low standards the first time. That is, the first time I do something, I consider it successful if I just do it at all, not by how well I do it. I wrote about this model almost two years…

April 2, 2013

Awareness / Exercises / Models / Tips

An exercise in knowing your beliefs; so you can change them

[This post is part of a series on "Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours." If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] We all know the story about the three guys doing the same physical work at quarry yet feeling different -- one felt miserable because he felt like he was just chopping stone, the next kind of enjoyed his work because he felt he was practicing a worthy profession, and the third who loved what he did because he was helping build the most beautiful cathedral the world had ever seen. How do you become the cathedral guy? As long as you're…

March 30, 2013

Choosing your beliefs; a life and death example

How would you like for your body to weaken for no reason and become unable to do simple things you once could; where you stumble and fall just jogging; to have your weakness on display to the world so everyone sees you deteriorate; then to find out your body will continue weakening until you can't use your arms and legs or any other muscles, and that you'll die in a few years? Would you feel lucky? Do you think you could if you wanted to? Lou Gehrig did. If you've never read or heard the speech he gave on retiring from baseball on July 4, 1939, you'll see his ability to create his beliefs at work. Some might say of course he feels lucky as…

March 21, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Tips

Paper shredders and making changing beliefs and values easier

People tell me it's hard to change beliefs and values. Some people think it's impossible. I agree if they believe it's hard, but you can and it gets easier with practice. Most people change their beliefs and values all the time without realizing it. One goal for this page is to help people learn to change their beliefs more easily so I try to give examples of how you already change beliefs and values without thinking about it. If you see you do in simple or little cases, you can expand what you already do to more complex or bigger cases. Next thing you know you'll change your life. People often restrict themselves by thinking of changing beliefs as thinking positively or thinking the opposite…

March 15, 2013

Awareness / Blog

If you think you’re right and they’re wrong, you’re probably annoying someone, illustrated

Two years ago I wrote about a movie clip that illustrates how we feel when we feel we're right, the other person is wrong, and we have to convince them of it. https://joshuaspodek.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/The_Big_Lebowski_on_Right_and_Wrong_Versus_Not_Being_an_A-ho.mp4 I wrote recently how if you think you're right and someone else is wrong, you're probably pissing someone off. We've all been on all sides of such situations -- aggressor, defender, third-party observer. You see something you feel self-righteous about. You declare you're right and the other person is wrong. They defend themselves. You feel powerless to achieve your goal so your emotions become intense and you escalate (represented by the gun in this clip). The other person digs their heels in too. You feel everybody else doesn't get it and talks…

February 28, 2013

Blog

There are few shoulds in life

Some advice sticks with you more than others. I still remember words a great friend of mine told me in college. I remember he said it while consoling me over a breakup with a girlfriend, which would have put it in 1989 or maybe 1990. Something that stands the test of time like that, I think speaks for itself. He said There are few shoulds in life. I've written at length on this page on the value of avoiding judgmental language and how telling people they should do something implicitly judges them -- you're imposing your values on them. How my friend put it states it simply and effectively, so I'm passing it on. I'll say it again: There are few shoulds in life. (By…

February 20, 2013

Blog / Leadership

How to take risks

I've written about my models for how to motivate doing things you aren't good at. Such skills are important in many fields, but especially so in leadership. More than having to motivate yourself to do things for the first time, you often have to motivate many others to do things they haven't done. One is my practice of having low standards the first time I do something, which motivates doing things the first time at all. I can always improve later. But I have to try once to get to later tries. Another is Martha Graham's statement: Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion.…

February 13, 2013

Blog

An Example of Great Parenting

Years ago I heard of a great examples of parenting I've heard of from one of the great people I've met in my life. Not having kids -- merely the favorite uncle -- I don't know parenting firsthand, but I understand it's challenging and related to leadership. My friend lives halfway around the world from me so I haven't kept in touch with her. I can't mention much about her because she's so well-known and I don't know how much she wants shared. National awards are named after her. Anyway, I worked with her years ago and learned a lot from her. She played a lot of sports, including ultimate. Years after I lost touch with her, a mutual friend told me she had come…

January 28, 2013

Blog

Why labels and symbols don’t change things; and what they are effective at

Following up yesterday's post, when I talk to people about something they judge, like torture, the topic that motivated yesterday's post, some of them point out that once you decide something is torture or right or wrong, you can do something about it. People like labeling things because labels mean so much. If you don't call a behavior torture, they think, people don't know what it means. Once you call it torture, they continue, you attach meaning to it and you can do something about it. I agree it attaches meaning, but when you use a word or a phrase or a symbol as shorthand for something, you don't know what meaning anyoneÂ else attaches to it. One person hears torture and thinks "illegal violation of…

January 17, 2013

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