I can’t help but comment more on the Nice Guy behavior I mentioned a couple days ago in “The false dichotomy of the nice guy and the jerk and what to do instead.” A lot of the guys I coach have what others have called Nice Guy behavior and described problems with it. I don’t mean being nice as a guy. I mean how Wikipedia put it in its “Nice[…] Keep reading →

After yesterday’s pattern I see in men, here’s a comparable one I see in women. A woman gets approached by men. Some she likes, some she doesn’t. If the ones she doesn’t like get too numerous, she may try to limit the number of men approaching her by making herself appear less available or pushing them away. While she intended to change only the number of guys approaching her, she[…] Keep reading →

I’ll describe a view I’ve seen many times as a coach and in my regular life. I see it in many variations, but I’ll present just one — the one I can relate to most. Tomorrow I’ll write about a comparable trend I see with women. The view is a false dichotomy. It goes like this. A guy grows up learning to treat people nicely and to reciprocate when people[…] Keep reading →

Brought to you by the Distinguished Leaders committee of the Columbia Business School Alumni Club of New York (copying the following announcement from that site): Leadership Through Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence In a weekend, learn how to develop your personal leadership skills, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence through the latest advances in cognitive behavioral science, evolutionary psychology, and positive psychology. While business schools and corporations are increasingly focusing on personal leadership,[…] Keep reading →

[Last week I posted a five-part series on a mental model I have for how our passion and attraction grows and wanes over time and the consequences of that pattern, according to the model. Today I’m posting them all in one post.] Day 1: Introducing a new model: Passion and Attraction I’m starting a new series today on a new model, this time on passion and attraction. Everyone I showed[…] Keep reading →

Time I put a lot more time into making the graphs and writing the posts of the past week than usual — at least a couple full days just graphing before writing a word. Why Why did I put so much time in? Not because I didn’t have lots to do. Because people who saw early versions of the graphs told me it helped them better understand Their intimate relationships[…] Keep reading →

What can we learn from the Passion-Attraction Model? While the model can apply to everyone, we each have different values and circumstances, so we each have to choose for ourselves how to live our lives and act in relationships. Understanding the Passion-Attraction Model and its consequences can help you understand yourself and your partners, on your own and in relationships if you feel it describes you well. (If you don’t,[…] Keep reading →

Yesterday’s post considered a single alternative to a committed partner. If you plan to commit to someone for ten, twenty, thirty, or more years, you can expect you and your partner will meet people who, in the moment, attract you and excite passion more than each other. Review and discussion about One Alternative Recall, the Passion-Attraction Model doesn’t tell you how to behave, though if you feel it represents your[…] Keep reading →

Yesterday’s post ended by describing a typical goal — what you hope to get if you want to commit to a relationship, at least concerning passion and attraction: an enduring relationship with lots of passion and attraction, smooth edges, and never fading away. When you and a partner both reach that goal, many people choose to commit to each other. In my experience, choosing to commit doesn’t mean living happily[…] Keep reading →