self-improvement Archives - Page 10 of 18 - Joshua Spodek

Awareness / Blog / Leadership / Tips

How to attract anyone, part 3

"What if the other person is boring?" People ask me this question all the time when I tell them they can attract people better, especially through genuineness and authenticity. The question reveals a belief about people I disagree with. My belief creates more friendships that are deeper and more meaningful. I'll talk about it here. Two beliefs that create friendships I believe everyone has facets of their personality that are interesting, intriguing, and fascinating. I also believe that you could know someone for decades and still find out new things about them. Think of the person you are closest to. You never run out of things to say, right? Imagine talking to them for fifty years. You'd still have things to talk about with them,…

March 8, 2012

Audio / Blog / Leadership / Tips

A way to attract anyone, part 2: how to do it

How do we become more genuine and authentic, following yesterday's post on the value of genuineness and authenticity? I don't have a magic bullet but I can tell you some of the major steps that helped me. I don't claim to be the most genuine and authentic person, but I'm more so now than I was. First, I came to recognize that all these shells weren't helping me. They seemed helpful locally, but hurt me globally. I realized this by noticing why I liked some of my oldest friends. I felt less inhibited with them because I knew them before I put some shells on. Newer friends got humor, intelligence, and things like that, but more inhibition and less passion, compassion, and empathy. Naturally I…

March 7, 2012

Awareness / Blog / Leadership / Tips

How to attract anyone, part 1

I know a trick to attract any woman. If you want to attract a man it works too. I use it regularly when I flirt and it always works. I know it works because when I tell the woman I'm flirting with what I'm doing she always says it's working. Just to be sure I predispose her to be skeptical by telling her what I just wrote -- that I know and am using a trick that attracts any woman. She'll look at me incredulously and say, "oh yeah, what?" "You want to know my trick?" "Yes! What is it?!?" Usually I take longer to answer because I know she's curious, but since I'm not writing to flirt with you I'll answer here faster. I…

March 6, 2012

Awareness / Blog / Exercises / Tips

An exercise to help keep you from getting angry

Here's an exercise that helps you recognize why and when you get angry sometimes. You can use it to help prevent yourself from getting angry or not blaming others. It applies for any other emotion than anger, so you can use it to prevent any emotion you don't want and to create any emotion you do want. Step 1: Think of a time you got angry. Step 2: What did you do just before? Were you also angry just then, or rushed, under pressure, or something similar? Many times one type of pressure or stress affects your mood afterward, even if the later situation has nothing to do with the earlier except that they were close in time. Moods linger. You can feel angry toward…

March 5, 2012

Awareness / Blog / Exercises / Tips

A self-awareness exercise to help keep you calm and effective

Here's a quick exercise to make yourself aware of how your body handles stress, which can help you decrease stress. You'll recognize the answers to the questions easily. The point is how to use the answers. I'll explain how at the end. Step 1: Think of a painful experience in your life. Remember how you felt when it happened. Think of what you saw, heard, felt, tasted, etc, but especially try to remember your thoughts. Step 2: Notice three things: the level of judgment in your thoughts, how much you focused on yourself as compared to others, and your bodily response. Regarding your bodily response, do you recall your breathing -- shallow and quick or deep and slow -- what level of tension you had…

March 4, 2012

Blog / Fitness / Freedom / Tips

My habits

People generally think of habits as bad things they want to break. On the contrary, creating habits that you want is what creating a life you want means. It's a big part anyway. Creating habits you want frees you from trying to do things all the time. It frees you from using your limited willpower. I wrote yesterday about making behaviors you like habitual using your relationships. Today I'll write some examples of some behaviors I've made habitual in my life that way. Like everyone, I have a million more, but these are a fun start. Some seem trivial. Some may seem restrictive. To me, they represent freedom. Since they are generally healthy and crowd out unhealthy alternatives, I don't have to think about them.…

March 2, 2012

Habits can be contagious. How to make that work for you.

Many studies show that quitting smoking and losing weight spread through networks like diseases do (see links below). Many other behavioral changes work similarly. I like academic studies, but we don't just want information. We want to use it to improve our lives. Here's how. Make behavior you want into habits Trying to change behavior through willpower alone doesn't work in the long term, as my series on willpower described. Willpower gives out. Making new behavior stick in the long term requires making it automatic. Today's tip is to use your relationships or make new ones to reinforce the behaviors you want. Make your habits contagious Think of the behaviors you have now that you like. Maybe some habits you like started out of the…

March 1, 2012

Telling my awesome story on stage about inspiring my mom’s first marathon

Art / Blog / Fitness / Humor

Telling my awesome story on stage about inspiring my mom’s first marathon

Monday night I told my second story at the Moth, to about two hundred people. A bit scary, though not as scary as last time, but awesome! Improving public speaking improves your abilities in almost any field. Few structures match the story structure in engaging people to listen. That's why I stuck my neck out to practice storytelling in public -- to exercise useful skills. And to have fun, of course. Here's my second on-stage story, based on inspiring my mom to run her first marathon. I'm happy with how the story came out, despite my nerves and inexperience. I see ways to improve, though welcome feedback. I owe thanks to my friend Mick who recorded it, though he missed the opening line, which says…

February 29, 2012

Awareness / Blog / Leadership / Nature

Hard projects will be harder than you expect. How to prepare.

[This post is part of a series on empathy gaps. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] A second post from the book Willpower... Leading yourself and others requires foreseeing that doing something hard feels harder, longer, more frustrating, and so on than you expect. At the beginning you say, "I'm strong, diligent, and capable. I'll power through no matter what comes my way." Intellectually anticipating it will be hard doesn't and can't prepare you for the emotional motivation to stop you'll feel in the moment. One of my main reasons for running marathons (as if being cheered on by millions of fans isn't enough)…

February 28, 2012

Blog / Education / Fitness / Freedom / Tips

How not to fail

Today I'll cover one of my most liberating allegories. I don't remember where I heard it. Some karate students asked their teacher how he always kept his balance no matter what happened. He said, "On the contrary, I'm always losing my balance. But I'm always regaining it too." Since I learned that lesson, I stopped trying to avoid making mistakes. I say and do what I feel is right or best. If it turns out I messed up, I recover. The result is greater freedom. People see me not falling, so they think I never lost my balance and I don't correct them.

February 21, 2012

Awareness / Blog / Leadership

Does greatness require letting go of your safety net?

I've struggled with some questions for a while. What enables greatness? Do you need to let go of your safety net to become great? We all know stories of people who sacrificed everything sensible to reach greatness. They sold all their possessions and went to Hollywood. They practiced day and night for years, sacrificing fun times. They gave up on promising careers to reach their dreams. If you jump a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon, you don't want to wind up short of the landing ramp. But if you love jumping far and you don't try to jump as far as you can, what have you achieved? For some people these questions don't matter. They don't know what they love or they don't mind abandoning…

February 20, 2012

Vulnerability and opening up first

A friend asked "Why unreservedly open your heart to anyone or anything when there is such strong potential for disappointment, failure, heartache or apocalyptic disaster". I wrote back the following: I experimented along those lines a few years ago and ended up improving my life and nearly every relationship. I'll share my experience in case you can use it. I won't feel bad if you ignore it. Regarding building relationships, I used to have a model, Old model: first get to know someone. If they become a friend, then open up. I saw nothing wrong with the model and figured everyone had a similar model, but people also said things like "I've known you for a long time, but I still don't feel like I…

February 16, 2012

Awareness / Blog / Nature / Tips

Don’t let a sour grapes attitude ruin your life

A friend asked why guys who have trouble meeting women insult them. With the worst insults you can think of, no less. As we'll see, not only men in that context do it. In other contexts women do it. And not just about other people. I do it. You do it. Everybody does it. What's going on? Let's look at the pattern. It keeps you from improving your life, so it's important. When people can't attain something they want, they put it down -- a more general effect than in dating. They're resolving a conflict in their mind (aka a cognitive dissonance): "If I can't have it it must be worthless. Or worse!" Like Aesop's fox who can't reach the grapes, they say they must…

February 13, 2012

Leadership / Tips

Getting through the challenges of personal development

I gave this advice to someone I coach going through a difficult period and got feedback it was "golden." So if you're someone endeavoring to develop personally or professionally and making progress but feeling despair, impatience, frustration, or something similar, I hope this advice helps you. I've come to believe all meaningful personal development has periods of self-doubt, wondering if it's worth it, and such. Anyone can sit on a couch and watch tv all day without feeling that way. They don't have to think for themselves. The media occupies their minds so they are pacified. These periods are what differentiate an easy meaningless life from a challenging one of purpose. They are part of what keep most people from realizing their potential. They are…

February 11, 2012

Improve your public speaking through storytelling, part 2

Art / Blog / Creativity / Tips

Improve your public speaking through storytelling, part 2

Yesterday I suggested ways to improve your storytelling skills through practice. Performing in public can be daunting, so today I'll tell about my first experience telling a story in front of hundreds of people, being judged. First, despite my anxiety before going up, I loved the experience, learned a lot, and without a doubt will do it again. I recommend it to anyone, especially if you're scared, like I was. Here I am, telling my story: The storytelling began with my friend David, with whom I swam across the Hudson River, originally told me about the Moth years ago, suggesting telling our Hudson River swim story when he heard the theme for Monday's event was sports. We planned to do something perhaps for the first…

February 10, 2012

Art / Blog / Creativity / Tips

Improve your public speaking through storytelling, part 1

Want to improve one of the most important skills for any field, almost free? Want to hook and engage anyone you communicate with? Tell a story. Everyone knows it, but it bears repeating. All communication can benefit from having it tell a story. Whether you're pitching a product, pitching your company, answering a question in a job interview, talking to a friend, flirting on a date, or anything, humans love stories. I posted earlier on how to structure stories effectively (I only need to remember "CCSG"). Besides structure, you need to tell the story. Your voice, body language, pacing, and so on matter. How do you tell better stories? The same way you do anything better. Practice! How do you practice? One simple, free way…

February 9, 2012

More labels not helping: a man’s autism vanishes

If you look for problems you'll find them. And you'll fill your life with problems. But if you look for solutions you'll find them too, and you'll fill your life with solutions. You'll find your problems go away or don't show up at all. A day after posting on labels not helping with introversion and extraversion came this op-ed piece on a guy whom doctors diagnosed with autism, supposedly "a continuous and lifelong disorder," but his symptoms vanished. I exhibited a "qualified impairment in social interaction," specifically "failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level" (I had few friends) and a "lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people" (I spent a lot of time by myself in my…

February 8, 2012

“Introverted” / “Extroverted”: labels hold you back from improving your life

On a discussion online about introversion and extraversion, I responded to someone pointing out that the labels of introversion and extraversion hurt more than they helped. Labels add no value and hold people back from improving their lives. Dealing with groups requires one set of skills. Dealing with solitude requires another (with much overlap). If you don't have skills for one situation you will avoid it. Once you acquire the skills to handle it, you'll be able to handle either. If you can only handle one now that doesn't mean you can't handle the other, it just means you haven't yet. When you have the skills and experience to handle one situation you will enjoy it and look forward to it, either one. When you…

February 7, 2012

Blog / Fitness / Tips

More on burpees

[This post is part of a series on my daily exercise and starting and keeping challenging habits. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] A few words on burpees and working out to follow up the past two days' posts (yesterday, the day before) Having read that some people consider burpees one of the best single exercises, I was happy to try them out. I haven't tried to optimize my workouts, to build as much muscle as possible, to reduce fat as much as possible, or any big or specific goal like that. I only exercise because I enjoy exercising, the feeling of exhaustion afterward,…

February 2, 2012

Blog

Grand Illusions and North Korea, part 2

Following up yesterday's thoughts on illusions our leaders benefit from, another occurred to me in learning about ping-pong diplomacy, the 1970s sports phenomenon that contributed to opening relations between the U.S. and China. In particular, the United States and Chinese governments followed, not led, the opening process. The government of each country called the other its enemy and armed itself against the other. Yet I expect most people of each nation cared at most little about the others, but certainly didn't care to fight random people they'd otherwise never meet on the other side of the planet. I doubt anyone wanted to pay taxes to develop weapons just to threaten them either. Today we commonly say Nixon opened China. While his visit improved relations, I…

February 1, 2012

Blog / Fitness / Tips

Who knew a one-minute-a-day workout could do so much?

[This post is part of a series on my daily exercise and starting and keeping challenging habits. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] So what are these burpees I raved about yesterday? First, from the New York Times article that got me started with them: Ask a dozen physiologists which exercise is best, and you'll get a dozen wildly divergent replies. "Trying to choose" a single best exercise is "like trying to condense the entire field" of exercise science, said Martin Gibala, the chairman of the department of kinesiology at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario. But when pressed, he suggested one of the foundations…

February 1, 2012

Blog / Fitness / Tips

How to begin a workout routine to last: start with joy

[This post is part of a series on my daily exercise and starting and keeping challenging habits. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] This post covers how I'm putting myself in better shape with minimal effort, but don't be distracted. That's a secondary point, a side effect. This post is about joy, fun, and friendship. And how I create them with the Method. The seed Over dinner with a friend I mentioned how I read a New York Times article about fitness experts speculating on a "single best exercise." Readers here know I like rowing, but they didn't mention it. They first mentioned burpees.…

January 31, 2012

Awareness / Blog / Exercises / Freedom / Leadership

The Method: exercise to transform yourself

This exercise transforms your life. It has you do the first three steps of the Method, prepares you for the fourth, and sets up accountability with others for step 4. Accountability is how things get done, so it can help a lot. I do this exercise halfway through my seminar. People get deeply into it, even after sitting in a room for five or six hours. When we review the exercise people sometimes tell me it gave them their first experience ever sharing some problems, then finding themselves surprised to find simple solutions to them. Requirements (or good-to-haves) You can do the exercise alone, but I prefer to group people into three to five. Everyone should know the Model and the Method. Preferably you've prepared…

January 30, 2012

Awareness / Blog / Exercises / Freedom / Leadership

The Method: exercise in new beliefs

The Method's steps 2 and 3 have you conceive of new emotions, environments, beliefs, and behaviors for emotional cycles you want to change. The challenge How do you pick the new beliefs to crowd out the old ones? Choosing the opposite to existing beliefs rarely helps. You end up debating yourself in your head. Discussion I find complements to beliefs crowd out existing ones more effectively. For example, I found an effective alternative to rising anger is not to try to be calm, but to be curious about the situation causing the anger. The curiosity crowds out the anger and I get calm anyway. I've found effective complements to many emotions, though curiosity works well for many situations for me. When I feel frustrated, impatient,…

January 29, 2012

Awareness / Blog / Exercises / Freedom / Leadership

The Method: exercise in knowing yourself

Many people feel they can't change themselves or that doing so is fake. Here is a quick exercise to show you how easily you can change yourself because you do it already. Step 1 First answer the question "Who are you?" by describing yourself with three or four adjectives. I know you're just reading a web page, but if you have pen and paper or can open a window on your computer to write in, write a few adjectives that describe you before going to the next step. No one will hold you to them, so you don't have to pick the best ones. Just a few. Step 2 Now imagine yourself in a job interview and answer the same question. Write a few adjectives…

January 28, 2012

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