Relationships Archives - Page 7 of 7

Why not compliment someone who deserves it?

"Nice throw!" I was throwing a frisbee with a teammate this summer. We were warming up on a big grassy field some Monday or Wednesday evening this summer before our summer league game. If you don't know the sport of ultimate frisbee and you think of frisbees as something you casually throw at the beach or to a trained dog, then we have a misunderstanding. Ultimate is challenging and intense, more than most sports. Among the top skills you need to play ultimate well is to throw a frisbee well. Throwing well involves choosing which throw, reading the wind, throwing it accurately, and a ton of other things. In a game, these things depend in your strength, your receiver's speed, his or her defender's speed,…

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September 15, 2015

Non-judgmental Ethics Sunday: Can I Lie to My Father About Being Gay So He Will Pay for My College Education?

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post,Â "Can I Lie to My Father About Being Gay So He Will Pay for My College Education?" I am a young gay man in college. My father generously pays for my tuition and rent. The problem is that he does not know I am gay. He has made it very clear that if I were, he would not only withdraw all financial support but also cast himself entirely out of my life. His suspicion arose in high school when he found love letters between me and another male student. I swore…

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September 6, 2015

Relationships / Tips

It’s not what you know OR whom you know. It’s your skills to make connections

Next time someone you hear "It's not what you know, it's whom you know," tell them who said it they still don't get it. More important than whom you know is your skill and ability to meet people. If you can meet people and make meaningful connections, then you can create for yourself the "whom you know." It's not what you know or whom you know. It's how well you can meet. These skills aren't something you have to be born with. You can develop them. All of them. That's why I put such value on social and emotional skills for business and the rest of life. That's why I value the series I wrote on communication skills for business and life. Come to think…

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September 3, 2015

Habits / Nonjudgment / Relationships

Why I want fewer people in my life

"Dude. Why don't you take people's numbers / email addresses?" At a video shoot last week, three people told me they wanted to follow up with me so I gave them my contact information. Immediately after the event, I wrote in my calendar to follow up, following my habit, "Schedule your follow-up when you email!" which I apply beyond email connections. After not hearing from them, I wrote my friend who invited me and knew them. He responded with the question above. I responded Why do I believe the words people tell me when they say they will call? Because I put faith in people. If they don't follow up, I've filtered out someone with low self-awareness. If they do, I find someone who does…

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August 31, 2015

Exercises / Leadership / Relationships / Stories

Leadership lessons from Frances Hesselbein, part 5/5

"What do I say to a 99-year-old woman?" "What do I say to a famous person?" "What do I say to someone who could help my career without seeming selfish?" All I could think to ask was what it's like to be 99, which seemed irrelevant and the same question people have asked her for a decade. I don't like when people find out I don't eat meat and ask me where I get my protein. Again? How unimaginative and boring. Do they not realize how many people ask the same question? I'm sure people ask you similar annoying questions. I don't want her thinking that of me. How do you prepare to talk to someone important that you hardly know? Who hasn't frozen at…

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August 25, 2015

Habits / Leadership / Relationships / Stories

Lessons in leadership from Frances Hesselbein, part 2

Frances invited me to her office. The first day I went, I approached the front desk. The security guy was friendly. As he processed my ID he said, "Oh yeah, Frances gets big visitors. Sometimes Generals come in. Four stars, ones from TV. They all have to wait for her." Impressive! Her office is in a big Park Avenue high-rise office building in the 50s. The lobby had fifty-foot ceilings, or something really high, and clear glass walls looking out on Park Avenue. Her executive assistant came down to tell me that there was nothing serious, but Frances had to go to the doctor that morning after being on her feet all day at West Point the day before. She took me up to the…

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August 21, 2015

Humor / Leadership / Relationships / Tips

“To convince” means “to provoke debate” and rarely works

Talk about leading people and a lot of people will talk to you about convincing people as a way of leading them. I recommend against this strategy. Convincing someone implies logically debating. Changing someone's behavior means changing their motivations, which means changing their emotions. Logical argument evokes emotions of debate. Convincing motivates people to disagree. They also feel like you're trying to impose your values on them. If you disagree with me right now, your own emotional reaction is illustrating the point! In other words: I will convince you that trying to convince people provokes disagreement. Either you agree with me, in which case you agree. Or you disagree with me, in which case you've illustrated my point. People who try to convince a lot…

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August 18, 2015

Ethicist / Leadership / Nonjudgment / Relationships

Non-judgmental Ethics Sunday: Is It Wrong If a Friend Sells My Hand-Me-Downs?

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Is It Wrong If a Friend Sells My Hand-Me-Downs?" I have two small children and am frequently divesting our household of toys, clothes and other child supplies. I sell the larger items, but I typically give the smaller items away to a neighborhood parent or leave them in a box in front of my house to be taken for free. A friend on my block recently indicated that she takes much of what we leave out, and I've since offered her first pick before leaving the remaining items outside. I was…

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August 9, 2015

Art / Awareness / Leadership / Perception / Relationships

More ineffable truth and beauty of regular life

The subtlety and nuance of ordinary life has more than enough to compel it without all the drama that most TV and movies add. Even sitting still for ten minutes is more excitement than most people can handle. The scene below from Girl With a Pearl Earing puts more intimacy, vulnerability, and sexuality into the slightest movement of a hand. The sensuality of mixing paints, the eye contact, and the gasp help, but just the touch is a lot. I don't think you need to see the rest of the movie, though it contributes. https://joshuaspodek.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/girl_with_pearl_earring_clip.ogv More overt movies wish they could evoke the emotion and spark of this scene. I find the most interesting parts of art and life are in the subtle nuances. You…

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August 4, 2015

Art / Perception / Relationships

The ineffable truth and beauty of regular life

After my series of posts lamenting the overdramatization of TV and movie dramas that misrepresent regular life (part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5) and after loving Woody Allen movies for decades, I watched Hannah and Her Sisters for the first time. The movie reminded me what art can express when you aren't trying to make everything jump off the screen. I can see why Roger Ebert called it Allen's best movie. I don't know how I didn't see it for almost thirty years. Like Harvey Pekar says, "ordinary life is pretty complex stuff." When you get that, dramatizing it detracts from what I consider the main point of art---to illuminate your understanding of life, nature, yourself, and important things like them. One of Hannah and…

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August 3, 2015

Art / Leadership / Relationships

How media represent and misrepresent leadership: A reader’s questions

A reader asked for follow-up on how media shows leadership, following three posts from a couple weeks ago---This is not leadership. It makes people think it is and that's part of why we have poor leaders, part 1; part 2; part 3; and Learning about relationships ruins most movies and TV. Before the questions, I don't want to overstate what I know about relationships and how media shows them, so I have to start by saying I'm just sharing views from casual viewing, not a systematic study. I'm not trying to convince, just to share my views. I'm happy to be shown I missed something or that you disagree. His first question: What did you learn in your personal relationships that led you to see…

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July 25, 2015

Perception / Relationships

Some people eat to support working. I think they have it backwards.

It seems standard today to eat lunch in front of the computer. I do it a lot too. Many people love their work, love eating, and are combining things they love. That makes sense to me. But many people don't love their work. They consider it a necessity to pay rent and support themselves. Many of them consider working for others their lives' fundamental activity---as in, when someone asks what they do, they talk about what they do for pay and don't talk about what they like to do otherwise. I used to think and act that way. I considered everything else in life support for working. From that perspective, eating was distracting, as were talking and everything else. Now I consider things like eating,…

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July 18, 2015

Ethicist / Nonjudgment / Relationships

Non-judgmental Ethics Sunday: Do Another Woman’s Marriage Vows Bind Me?

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one's actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today's post, "Do Another Woman's Marriage Vows Bind Me?" A single woman, I moved to a new town and became friendly with a married man who then told me that he was romantically interested in me. He said that while he wasn't in an open marriage, his wife knew how he felt, and they were negotiating some arrangement that might allow him to pursue his feelings if they were shared. I was attracted to him but made it clear that I wouldn't have an affair in secret and that I had no desire…

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July 5, 2015

Art / Leadership / Relationships

Learning about relationships ruins most movies and TV

My pasts three posts were about how media misrepresents leadership like juvenile fantasies of beating people who disagree with you. If you don't know how to lead, you might enjoy the drama of the misrepresentations, but you risk retarding your growth. It's deeper than just leadership. Movies and TV dramatize and misrepresent nearly all relationships. The more I learn about relationships... Well, for one thing the more my life improves. But the more I learn about relationships, the more those I see in movies and television seem twisted into what will hook people into watching more. TV shows and movies feel engineered for profit more than expressive works. Relationships outside of TV and movies have nuance, subtlety, and complexity. Most TV shows and movies overload…

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July 3, 2015

Leadership / Models / Relationships / Visualization

This is not leadership. It makes people think it is and that’s part of why we have poor leaders, part 3

"Just do what I say." "Do it now." "John, do X. Sally, do Y. I'll do Z. Then we'll met and put everything together." Wouldn't leadership be easy if we could tell everyone what to do and they'd do it? It never seems to work like that, though, does it? Most people understand that problems come up. They don't always realize that command-and-control leadership often discourages people from working with would-be leaders who work with it. Why do people still order people around? I think one reason is how much popular media show leaders working with it. It's simple and dramatic, but rarely works. When it works, it's generally as a last resort in a crunch in an otherwise successful team. You generally need the…

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July 2, 2015

Leadership / Models / Relationships / Visualization

This is not leadership. It makes people think it is and that’s part of why we have poor leaders, part 1

"You don't understand me!" "I wish I'd never been born!" Who hasn't yelled something like that at their parents? I'm sure I did. I argued with my parents like all kids. I've grown since then and don't argue like that any more. I still disagree, I just try more to seek understanding, not to confront so adversarially. I was just in a line and overheard two workers argue. They weren't yelling, but they weren't getting anywhere near resolving their conflict. They were adults but as best I could tell hadn't grown past a juvenile way of dramatizing conflict, trying to win instead of understanding and resolving things. Their model for resolving conflict seemed something like Intensify your emotions more than the other person Talk more…

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June 30, 2015

Choosing/Decision-Making / Events / Relationships / Stories

See my talk at Stand Up For Passion

In March I performed a story at Stand Up For Passion, a growing series of events where people tell stories about passionate events in their lives. They posted the video of my story and here it is. I hope you like it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrg4QetU3QU The events are happening increasingly all over the world. The next one in New York City is October 6. I recommend attending one. Here are the speakers from my event: Here are some other stills:

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June 23, 2015

Choosing/Decision-Making / Habits / Relationships

Personal change and changing friends

People considering personal change often express concern about losing friends. If they change their behavior and habits they won't be able to hang out with the same people in the same way any more. I've gone through a lot of personal change. I've met many people who have. I've coached many people through it. Through it all, I've never met someone who regretted changing their social circle. Most wished they'd acted sooner.

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June 20, 2015

Education / Leadership / Models / Perception / Relationships / Stories

“You’re too f-ing cheap to by my book?!”

My professor cursed: "You're too fucking cheap to buy my book?!" This was an Ivy League business school. I was stunned. Class just ended and I was asking him a question, as students do. Other students probably heard as they packed their bags and left the room. He had assigned his own book for the class. A couple weeks before, the bookstore clerk told me the book would come out soon in paperback and that I could save money if I waited. The cursing came in response to my telling him this, and that I was using the library copy in the meantime. I don't remember how I reacted in the moment. I know I felt shocked, which soon turned to offense and outrage. I…

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June 19, 2015

Relationships

Mistakes and problems build and strengthen relationships

I used to think the best way to strengthen a relationship was to avoid problems. Now I think differently. No two people agree on everything. Everyone has different values. Between every pair of people there will inevitably be conflict. More than that, you can never predict where or when the conflict will arise until it does. In other words, relationships have problems. Trying to avoid them is a fool's errand. I've found it more valuable to relationships to have the skills to resolve problems. That way you don't fear them. If you know what to do handling problems is like broken bones healing---they heal stronger than they were before the problem. More important than learning to avoid problems is learning how to stay resilient when…

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June 18, 2015

Entrepreneurship / Exercises / Habits / Leadership / Relationships / Tips

How to make a phone call with someone you don’t know but want to help you

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] I just got off the phone with a client who was preparing for a call with someone important to help her. She was nervous because of his status and not sure how to make the call work. She typically would talk too much about herself, which didn't get the results she wanted of the other person wanting to help her. I told her, based on "Fundamentals and technique: what you do when you don't know what to do," that in such situation I…

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June 16, 2015

Leadership / Models / Relationships

We interpret leaders gloriously leading the charge backward today

Today's world presents leaders leading a group of people like a king or glorious leader, like Mel Gibson in Braveheart. It inspires people to seek that glorious position where they feel people look up to them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdlL65LD6I4 We misunderstand that view, the more I think about it. When armies went into battle then, the first person charging took the biggest risk. He made himself most vulnerable to attack, risking his life. It made sense for people to see him as a hero. Once he charged into battle, others could follow him, now safer. He supported them. Today, leaders don't take much personal risk---certainly not of death or injury, even in the military, all the more the higher their rank. Outside the military, especially business, leaders…

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May 30, 2015

Education / Leadership / Relationships / Tips

How to get a mentor in two easy steps that work

I trust you know the value of a mentor. I'll take for granted you also know how to create a connection with someone. If not, read my Meaningful Connection exercise and my social skills exercise series. So I'll start at a point where you have at least a rudimentary dialog with someone whose mentorship will help you. Step 1: Ask them for advice Ask them for advice on something that matters to both of you. After enough time passes for you to act on the advice, go to step 2. It helps if you act on the advice, but not necessary Step 2: Tell them how acting on the advice went and ask more advice If you acted on the advice and it worked out,…

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May 27, 2015

Art / Awareness / Choosing/Decision-Making / Nonjudgment / Relationships

The beauty of Godfather 3

Most people who love The Godfather 1 and 2 dislike the third because of the director's daughter in a lead role, saying they don't like her acting. I find the closing scene completes the story beautifully. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KupAgY18QDc What do I find so beautiful about this scene? It wordlessly communicates most of the themes of the series---family, women, men, intimacy, solitude, winning, America, and Sicily---with subtlety and complexity. I can't put into words what it communicates, which I like in art, for it to say something it a particular medium that you can't say in any other but that feels true. Michael tried to do what he considered right, but always calculated, never allowing himself to let go, to become vulnerable, meaning never developing intimacy. He…

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April 11, 2015

Relationships

Why are there no men’s relationship advice columns?

I've been writing my The Ethicist column for over six months and wanted to co-opt another advice column. I can't find any men's relationship advice columns. Most advice columns for men seem to be about things advertised in men's magazines---grooming, clothes, fashion, alcohol, and cars. "The gentleman's guide to the perfect martini" or "Your grandfather wouldn't wear white after Labor Day and neither should you." Almost none are serious, instead favoring haughty or snarky humor. I write about social skills, so I looked for a relationship advice column for men. I couldn't find one. There are some on meeting women, but not on the relationship. The Wikipedia page on advice columns listed eighteen advice columnists. Three were men, one gay (I've read Dan Savage for…

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April 4, 2015