Two quotes misunderstand and undervalue people, I contend: “You should get in touch with your masculine side.” “You should get in touch with your feminine side.” People say the first to women mainly, sometimes men, to imply they should learn to act more like mainstream views of men, like learning to fix things around the house, not sweating small things, and enjoying things like pizza and beer. People say the[…] Keep reading →

The college course catalog fascinated me—hundreds of courses in dozens of subjects from amazing teachers. I wanted to take them all! Choosing four or five course from them was wonderful torture. Choosing which to take wasn’t nearly as hard as choosing which not to. I used to think, “I’ll take these two courses … which will set me up for this major … which will set me up for this[…] Keep reading →

If you believe you’ll never make CEO, start a company, lose weight, or any other goal, no matter how much you change your behavior to achieve it, your belief will undermine that behavior. If you’re lucky, you may stumble into an experience that changes your beliefs, which may sustain your behavior, but I wouldn’t count on it. In general, if you change behavior but not the belief that motivated the[…] Keep reading →

When programmers work, the objects they work with tend to be computers. When plumbers work, they tend to work with pipes. Carpenters work with wood. Leaders work with people. People are the objects of leaders’ work. Their tools are conversations—their equivalents of keyboards, wrenches, and saws. Most professions require thought, planning, and writing those plans out—programmers, plumbers, and carpenters included. After they finish planning and writing their plans, they act[…] Keep reading →

The subtlety and nuance of ordinary life has more than enough to compel it without all the drama that most TV and movies add. Even sitting still for ten minutes is more excitement than most people can handle. The scene below from Girl With a Pearl Earing puts more intimacy, vulnerability, and sexuality into the slightest movement of a hand. The sensuality of mixing paints, the eye contact, and the[…] Keep reading →

After my series of posts lamenting the overdramatization of TV and movie dramas that misrepresent regular life (part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5) and after loving Woody Allen movies for decades, I watched Hannah and Her Sisters for the first time. The movie reminded me what art can express when you aren’t trying to make everything jump off the screen. I can see why Roger Ebert called it Allen’s best[…] Keep reading →

People expect challenges to be like physical. They take on a long project that might make them lonely, anxious, or some emotion they don’t like. When they think about it now, they think they’ll just take a deep breath and power on. First of all, they underestimate the intensity emotions can have. More important, though, is that they don’t realize what emotional challenges feel like. They can be incredibly hard[…] Keep reading →

Continuing my series of alternative responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicists, looking at the consequences of one’s actions instead of imposing values on others, here is my take on today’s post, “Can I Post a Photo of a Bad Driver?“ During a torrential downpour one afternoon, my son and I were driving behind a dangerous driver who swerved very carelessly over the median and roadside lines several[…] Keep reading →

It seems standard today to eat lunch in front of the computer. I do it a lot too. Many people love their work, love eating, and are combining things they love. That makes sense to me. But many people don’t love their work. They consider it a necessity to pay rent and support themselves. Many of them consider working for others their lives’ fundamental activity—as in, when someone asks what[…] Keep reading →