Awareness

Awareness / Tips

Suffering in silence for someone creates problems. Getting the credit you deserve helps the relationship or keeps you from wasting your time.

Do you suffer in silence for anyone? Do you find it helps the relationship? It happens in business, but I'll illustrate it with a classic case where two people suffer in silence for each other is a marriage where both parties think they work and contribute more to the relationship than the other. You can substitute a relationship between manager and report or among teammates if you prefer. Say one of the spouses works long hours and earns more money and the other takes care of the house more. The first might think the other spends their money without valuing the sacrifices they make being away from home. The second might think the other doesn't contribute their time to the relationship like they do. You…

February 28, 2014

Art / Awareness / Creativity / Entrepreneurship / Events / Leadership

What you can learn from a film director

The reason we on the Distinguished Leaders Committee of Columbia Business School's alumni club booked a director for this evening's talk was something one of last year's speakers, Rita McGrath, said. If you're near New York City, I recommend you come (click here for details of location and how to sign up, you don't have to have graduated from Columbia to join). She pointed out that as people work at companies for shorter times, their personal networks that they maintain become more important. That is, someone you hire in their twenties today may not have worked at any company for even a year, yet the most effective ones will have something generations before didn't: a personal network of people at diverse places they can call…

February 27, 2014

Awareness / Nature / Tips

How I keep from feeling depressed

When people talk about depression other people often start talking about psychology, psychiatry, and medical conditions no one understands the magnitude of who hasn't experienced them or studied them. Today I'm only going to talk about my experience. If it doesn't apply to you, I hope you still find something to learn from it. If it does, I'm confident you'll find something helpful in it. As far as I know, everyone has the same gamut of emotions. We feel different ones at different times, but if you name any emotion, anyone in the world would know it. A corollary is that everyone feels depressed at times. By depressed I mean unmotivated to do anything, seeing no point in doing anything, feeling like you can't get…

February 26, 2014

Awareness / Evolutionary Psychology / Leadership / Nature

The connection between physics and self-awareness and emotions

People often ask me if I use my physics education today. As I see it, whereas physical sciences aim to make the world a materially better place, by studying and sharing what I learn about self-awareness and emotions I aim to make the world an emotionally better place. To me, physics is the study of the most fundamental parts of nature---time, distance, gravity, charge, mass, and so on. It also includes the human side of observing, honestly sharing results, and accepting improvements to past work, which I consider essential parts of science. People study nature for different reasons, some personal, some social. I expect many share my most personal reason---to find more and deeper beauty in nature. That is, something about learning about nature creates…

February 24, 2014

Awareness / Leadership

I’d rather know the subway train was ten stops away than not know where it is when it’s closer

Today's post is on a management practice of keeping people apprised of information that matters to them. I think it speaks for itself, but I'll illustrate its meaning by describing why it's on my mind. I'd rather know the subway train was ten stops away than not know where it is when it's closer. I'm working on a project with a manager who has to deal with some messy bureaucracy that makes knowing important things about the project difficult to forecast. As best I can tell, he sees those challenges as work only he can do, or maybe that he thinks that part of the job is ugly or demoralizing. Whatever his perspective, the result is that he is shouldering the burden himself, in his…

February 23, 2014

Awareness / Nature / Tips

“Passionless” people?

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] A couple of my Communications Skills Exercises begin with asking people what their passion is, including "Meaningful connection" and "How to make someone feel understood: confirm and let them correct you", both tremendously effective yet simple and easy exercises. Many people ask "What if the person doesn't have any passions?" Some people I start these exercises with say they have no passions. Today I'll show how to get past such challenges. As usual, it involves belief and behavior. Belief: Everyone has passions, they…

February 22, 2014

Awareness / Freedom / Leadership

Overcoming childhood anxieties and fears: nerd and geek are just elements of your style

I don't know about you, but a lot of people see me as nerdy and geeky. Growing up, the labels intimidated and debilitated me. Athletes seemed to get more attention and respect. I associated doing well in science and math with being made fun of. Since I did well in those subjects I hid my ability and didn't make a show of it. When I started college I took a couple science classes, but mostly chose humanities. I felt like a lot of people avoided science and math because they were socially less acceptable. It seemed like a lot of people who took math and science lacked social skills. In junior year, after taking a year off from school, I finally decided I liked physics…

February 20, 2014

Awareness / Leadership / Tips

My boss sucks. How do I manage my manager?

How to up-lead After my leadership seminars, someone always says "This material is great. I can see how it will improve my life. I'm starting to implement it. But you know who could really use it? My boss!" Most of my clients who have problems at work wish they could change their bosses, a process I call up-leading or up-managing. Come to think of it, our success developing up-leading skills seems a major reason people work with me. It seems a big and common need. A few changes in beliefs and learning a few new skills overcomes most of the problems, but they can be hard to get to take root. Today I'll write a few notes on how to do it. If you want…

February 16, 2014

Awareness / Freedom / Nature / Tips

Improve your life by rejecting mental models that inhibit freedom, joy, and other reward

On another forum I got into a dialog about the mental models of introversion and extroversion I found relevant, given my posts here. My goal on treating the mental model of the one-dimensional introversion-extroversion is deeper than examining this one mental model. It's to show how much people can confuse mental models with actual observations. Without that confusion you can reject models that inhibit you. They see the mental models of introversion, extroversion, and the spectrum between them as parts of reality independent of their perception. They are only as real as people perceive them. So was the impossibility of breaking a four-minute mile. So was the idea that angels flapping their wings made the Earth go around the Sun. Someone described themselves as introverted…

February 15, 2014

Awareness / Freedom

Op/Ed Fridays: the news forcing its irrelevance on us

If you read this page, you know I consider the government's spying one of the greatest threats to freedom we face. Even wars we enter with some intent to stop some day, but I don't see anyone who wants to increase the spying acknowledging any intent to scale it back. It looks to me a one-way increase in the executive branch's power at the expense of the other two branches', one of the major risks the founders tried to guard against. They were rebelling against the tyranny that results from unaccountable centralized authority. Even if you don't agree on my perspective, you probably agree the issue is important enough for people to discuss. Even if you don't agree you'd value discussing it, you probably agree…

February 14, 2014

Awareness / SIDCHAs / Tips

How to overcome creative avoidance, destroyer of motivation

[This post is part of a series on Cold Showers. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] What is creative avoidance? You know the feeling, or rather the mental chatter. The scene: Some time ago you told yourself you would do something challenging. Maybe going to the gym, talking to your boss about a raise, asking someone out on a date, one of those things you have to will yourself to do. At the time you knew you would do it. Now it's time to do it. Suddenly your mind fills with excuses and various reasons not to do it: You're tired. It doesn't matter…

February 12, 2014

Awareness / Leadership / Tips

“You don’t understand me so I’m leaving you” happens in business relationships too

When you try to lead someone who doesn't feel understood you ruin your your chances of leading them. I want to emphasize in this post the difference between understanding someone and them feeling understood. You understanding someone happens in your head. Them feeling understood happens in their head. People don't act on what's in your head. They act on what's in their heads. Here's what trying to lead someone without them feeling understood is like. Imagine you walked into a store and before you told anyone what you wanted, a salesperson walked up to you and said "I know what you want. Here it is," and handed you something to buy. Almost certainly they would offer you something you didn't want. Even if they handed…

February 11, 2014

Awareness / Leadership / Tips

How to make someone feel understood: the Confirmation/Clarification Cycle

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Making someone feel understood is a powerful leadership tool that makes the difference between motivating with external incentives, which merely guide, and internal emotions, which motivate from within. With practice you'll be able to evoke passions and inspire. They'll often feel gratitude toward you for the inspiration, even as they contribute more than usual. You'll be surprised at how enthusiastically and fully people contribute when they feel understood about emotions that matter to them but find difficult to share. I've written about the…

February 10, 2014

Awareness / Leadership / Tips

Talk to a misbehaving boss like you talk to a misbehaving child

One of my clients has a boss who hoards information and responsibility and doesn't give him the support he needs to do his job. Naturally, he wants to influence his boss to lead him better---that is, he wants to lead his boss. You have to see people as people first and positions on organization charts second, take responsibility, and lead them if you want to influence them. The first step I advise in leading anyone is awareness---in this case, understanding the motivations of the person you want to lead. If you don't understand their motivations, you'll have a hard time influencing them. As common as his boss's behavior is, everyone's motivation is different. Until he knows his boss's behavior, trying to influence him will likely…

February 9, 2014

Awareness / Freedom / Humor

Op/Ed Fridays: “I’ve been on food stamps and welfare. Anybody help me out? No!”ï»¿

This quote by the actor in the video below reveals such profound lack of awareness, you can only imagine the denial that could resolve the conflict between accepting direct government aid and welfare while decrying government aid and welfare and saying nobody helped him. I don't know if the programs he talked about help or hurt society or him. I don't know his situation. I only know what he said (the context of the whole interview is below): "I've been on food stamps and welfare. Anybody help me out? No!" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTwpBLzxe4U I'm surprised the video only has around 150,000 views. It seems revealing. Anyway, here's the full interview for context. The clip above comes around 3:40. The interviewer doesn't point out how the actor contradicted…

February 7, 2014

Awareness / Nature

A history of the universe in eight hundred words

I've been meaning to write today's post for a long time. I prepared to tell it for a Moth story on stage, but didn't get to, so I'll share it with you. It's the story of how you got here from the beginning of the universe, at least as far back as we can trace it. As you know, I like both physics and being able to make complicated things simple. I hope I convey both here. The history of the universe in a few paragraphs As far we can project back, everything seems to have explode out from a small volume. We can't figure out before then since nothing we can see today gives us any clue about what happened then, which makes sense…

February 4, 2014

Awareness / Evolutionary Psychology / Nature

Things you never get bored of

Today's post is on awareness--to note something about yourself you may not have noticed. You know how if you listen to a song too much you get bored of it, no matter how much you loved it at first? Or if you spend too much time with someone you need time away from them? I noticed a few things I never get bored of. It's not the biggest insight into humanity ever, but I think it helps you understand yourself better, especially my priorities, which helps me simplify my life and so no to good things to make way for great things. I noticed though I eat nearly the same breakfast every day--oatmeal with fresh fruit and nuts, usually with chia seeds sprinkled in--I never…

February 3, 2014

Brittle beliefs are easy to change

Do you ever find yourself in an argument, debate, or just disagreement with someone who won't budge? They can be frustrating. You wish they would at least recognize others might have different points of view but they don't. I've adopted a belief that has served me well in such situations: Brittle beliefs are easy to change. This belief serves me in a few ways. First, it leads me to identify their beliefs as brittle, as opposed to strong or firm. Strong and firm admit some flexibility, which are both easier to work with since people with strong or firm beliefs don't seem so self-righteous. Second, believing their beliefs are easy to change leads me to expect progress at some point, not to give up hope…

January 30, 2014

Awareness / Nature / Tips

Willpower is like a starter motor. Emotions are like an engine.

When you drive a gas-powered car you use its engine. It has a lot of power and can get the car to go hundreds of miles. But when you get into a car, you can't just start using that engine. Internal combustion engines aren't good at starting on their own. So gas-powered cars have electric starter motors. Electric starter motors are designed just to start the gas engine, which you can then use to drive. In old stick shifts, if you left the car in gear and tried to use the starter motor, it would move the car a few feet. In principle you could use the starter motor to drive the car around, but since it wasn't designed for that purpose, doing so would…

January 28, 2014

Awareness / Nature

Technical solutions generally don’t solve social problems

With a PhD in physics, a few patents, and several start-ups to my name, I have some experience with developing and building technology to solve problems. I consider knowing the limits of what technology can solve as important as how to use technology. Social problems, I find, aren't amenable to technological solutions. The big one I see is global warming. I see people suggest technologies to deflect sunlight, beam energy from space, and so on. They may contribute to some solution, but ultimately they can only address small parts of a system including population size, the economy, the environment, ecology, and so on. Each area is complex, suggesting simple solutions wouldn't solve their problems, let alone a problem involving all of them. When I see…

January 25, 2014

Art / Awareness / Nature

Different perspectives

Fable The mountain and the squirrel Had a quarrel; And the former called the latter "Little Prig." Bun replied, "You are doubtless very big; But all sorts of things and weather Must be taken in together, To make up a year And a sphere. And I think it no disgrace To occupy my place. If I'm not as large as you, You are not so small as I, And not half so spry. I'll not deny you make A very pretty squirrel track; Talents differ; all is well and wisely put; If I cannot carry forests on my back, Neither can you crack a nut." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

January 23, 2014

Awareness / Tips

Top 16 tips for starting habits you want and stopping habits you don’t

[This post is part of a series on Cold Showers. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Years ago I tended to have unintentional habits that I did without thinking about them and they didn't improve my life much. Now they're mostly ones I intentionally adopted because I knew they would improve my life. And ones I don't like I've gotten rid of. You can create the same mix in your life. Here are my top tips for starting habits you want and stopping habits you don't. Don't stop doing one habit, start doing another. It's easier toÂ do something than not to do something else,…

January 19, 2014

Awareness / Fitness

Indulging

The United States seems to have two overarching messages on indulging that combine to mess a lot of people up. The puritanical message says indulging is bad or sinful. The advertising message is that sinful or not, you live a tough life and you deserve it. Combining these messages leads people to feel entitled to indulge themselves when they want, but to keep it secret, so others don't know they're indulging. They probably also deny paying attention to their behavior themselves, so many feel surprised when their bodies reveal their indulgences, your body being the physical manifestation of your thoughts and behavior. Other people can do what they want with themselves. I eat candy sometimes, but I like fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains, and minimally…

January 18, 2014

Awareness / Freedom / Tips

The 3 best tricks to get rid of things

Many more people believe in minimalism than practice it. They want to get rid of things but fail at it. I've gotten decent at it and found three things work best. First, some context to understand why people fail. The best first step for solving a challenging problem is nearly always awareness. Context: why people fail to get rid of things When people think about getting rid of things, even if they have a sincere desire to, they get hit with a powerful emotional barrier, usually anxiety bordering on fear based on the potential loss. When considering getting rid of something they think "Minimalism is better than having too much stuff. Getting rid of X will free my budget, schedule, and so on." Sounds great.…

January 16, 2014

Awareness / Fitness / Nature

Empathy Gaps — one of the most insidious barriers to getting hard things done and how to overcome it: the series

If you want to change something important in your life, you'd better understand the concept called "empathy gaps." An example of an empathy gap is when you say in December you'll go to the gym twice a week for the next year, that you have the fortitude to do it and will simply will yourself to do it no matter what, then find yourself in February saying you're not in the mood and you'll get to it later. Or you say you'll ask that person out with confidence, but when you go to approach you lose your nerve. An empathy gap is when you feel one way in one situation, like when you plan something and feel enthusiastic and confident, then when the situation changes…

January 15, 2014

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