Awareness

Awareness / Tips

How not to help people

A friend introduced me to someone he suggested I might be able to do something with. That friend has made phenomenal introductions for me before and has always given great advice, so I followed up. I met with him. I enjoyed meeting him. Near the beginning of the conversation, though, he told me he enjoyed connecting people. At the end of the conversation he told me he wanted to put me in touch with two other people. On the face of it, that sounds great, but it's not. I mean, it might turn out that way, but so far I have two connections to people whom I don't know why he connected us. Following up these connections is an obligation. Dropping them either requires tact,…

January 14, 2014

Awareness / Entrepreneurship / Freedom / Leadership

A leadership position doesn’t make someone a leader

Many of my clients tell me they want leadership positions. Come to think of it, many of them are already in what most people would call leadership positions. They manage people, direct them, decide on bonuses, hiring, and firing, and so on. But they aren't satisfied with their current positions. They don't know why. They just think they'll like things more when they are higher on the organizational chart or running a company they started. They misunderstand leadership, confusing a position or title with having control over their lives. The more your role consists of obligations over which you have no control, the less you are a leader and the more you're a follower, no matter how high your salary or vaunted your title. You…

January 13, 2014

Awareness / Choosing/Decision-Making / Models

Empathy Gaps — one of the most insidious barriers to getting hard things done

If you want to change something important in your life, you'd better understand the concept called "empathy gaps." An example of an empathy gap is when you say in December you'll go to the gym twice a week for the next year, that you have the fortitude to do it and will simply will yourself to do it no matter what, then find yourself in February saying you're not in the mood and you'll get to it later. Or you say you'll ask that person out with confidence, but when you go to approach you lose your nerve. An empathy gap is when you feel one way in one situation, like when you plan something and feel enthusiastic and confident, then when the situation changes…

January 12, 2014

Master introversion AND extroversion

Awareness / Freedom / Leadership / Models / My Favorite Posts / Nature / Visualization

Master introversion AND extroversion

Yesterday I wrote about freeing yourself from constraining beliefs. Today I'll expand on creating new beliefs to free yourself from such constraints. I wanted to illustrate at least one alternative to the standard one-dimensional model of introversion and extroversion that I find impedes self-awareness, understanding, and personal growth and development. Many people continue to believe it because they have no alternative that helps their life more. Others rigidly hold on to their old belief because they can't distinguish between the belief and the object of their belief -- for example, telling people who disagree with their view that they don't understand the definition of introvert or extrovert, not recognizing a definition describes a model not people. If you reject the model, those definitions don't matter.…

January 12, 2014

Don’t let rigid or stupid beliefs make you stupid or rigid

Awareness / Freedom

Don’t let rigid or stupid beliefs make you stupid or rigid

Growing and developing as a person means changing. Changing deeply held beliefs is hard. When people talk about getting out of their comfort zones, changing deeply held beliefs is one of the major places. Most people can't do it. They have beliefs they can't get rid of. They don't even distinguish between their beliefs (something inside their heads) and the object of their beliefs (something outside their heads). They confuse the map with the territory. The world is large and complex. As complex and wonderful as our brains are, they can't comprehend everything at once. They didn't evolve to. They evolved to understand relevant patterns. When it latches onto a pattern, sometimes it gets stuck and can't help seeing it. For example, look at this…

January 11, 2014

Awareness / Entrepreneurship

Op/Ed Fridays: “Do Women-Only Initiatives Really Help Women?”

The article "Do Women-Only Initiatives Really Help Women?" began Recently I've noticed an uptick in "women-focused" pitches in my inbox. It seems in the last year there has been a lot of momentum in the "women-focused" space. Women accelerators, women incubators, women crowdfunding sites, women angel funds. We've covered some of those initiatives here and here at Nibletz, but I have to admit I've been a little ambivalent about doing so. Take this line from a recent pitch: Women need all the help they can get. Wait. What? I need all the help I can get just because I'm a woman? That's news to me. I've been told all my life that I can do anything I want to do, that nothing can hold me…

January 10, 2014

Quiet garbage: a feel-good book on introversion that promotes complacency and limiting beliefs

Quiet garbage: a feel-good book on introversion that promotes complacency and limiting beliefs

A few weeks ago I posted in "Introversion is not the opposite of extroversion," an alternative model for what people call introversion and extroversion. As you know from that post, I don't agree with the one-dimensional model so many people believe in. It promotes complacency and I find it leads people to miss behaviors and beliefs of many people who don't fall on that continuum who can behave like so-called introverts when they want and like so-called extroverts when they want to. Many people suggested a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, saying it spoke to them and helped them understand themselves. I started the book with interest for a new view so many people found so…

January 8, 2014

Awareness / Fitness / SIDCHAs

The 42.3 degree shower (5.7 Celcius): Trading fleeting discomfort for long-term reward and growth

[This post is part of a series on Cold Showers. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] To people who haven't tried and don't get taking cold showers (or other punishing task like running a marathon you know you won't win, climbing Mount Everest after others already have, meditating, or practicing yoga -- none of which create results beyond you dong something challenging and the personal benefit that comes with it) today's post might help them understand.Â you might understand why you'd challenge yourself with physical discomfort. Except a cold shower delivers comparable results needing no equipment or any deviation from your regular schedule, has…

January 6, 2014

Awareness / Fitness / Tips

How to bring happiness and emotional reward to your life by analogy with pleasure — the series

I've written, thought, and acted on distinguishing between pleasure, happiness, and emotional reward. I like them all, but sometimes life creates situations where sacrificing one will get more of another. Knowing their differences and similarities helps you figure out how to create the optimal balance of each in your life. For example, lately I've been experimenting with cold showers, although the following applies for any other SIDCHA or challenging activity. It's incredibly important for improving your life if you prefer living to sitting on the couch eating ice cream. Everybody I tell about them who hasn't tried them evaluates the idea of cold showers in terms of physical pleasure only. I did too before I did it -- their obvious physical discomfort stands out above…

January 5, 2014

How to bring happiness and emotional reward to your life by analogy with pleasure—the series

Awareness / Leadership / Models / Visualization

How to bring happiness and emotional reward to your life by analogy with pleasure—the series

I've written, thought, and acted on distinguishing between pleasure, happiness, and emotional reward. I like them all, but sometimes life creates situations where sacrificing one will get more of another. Knowing their differences and similarities helps you figure out how to create the optimal balance of each in your life. For example, lately I've been experimenting with cold showers, although the following applies for any other SIDCHA or challenging activity. It's incredibly important for improving your life if you prefer living to sitting on the couch eating ice cream. Everybody I tell about them who hasn't tried them evaluates the idea of cold showers in terms of physical pleasure only. I did too before I did it -- their obvious physical discomfort stands out above…

January 3, 2014

Awareness / Fitness / SIDCHAs

30 days of cold showers review: Lessons in discipline and pleasure

[This post is part of a series on Cold Showers. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] I just took my first warm shower after thirty days of cold showers. It was different than I expected, reflecting some growth and change the experience brought me. Before the warm shower The first change I noticed was that I looked forward to the warm shower. It's hard to look forward to a cold shower in winter. Maybe people who keep their houses hot feel differently, but it's about 68 degrees inside here, probably colder at night, so not exactly cold, but we wear sweaters inside. Looking forward…

January 3, 2014

Eliminate guilt and blame for good — the series

Awareness / Exercises / Freedom / Nonjudgment / Tips

Eliminate guilt and blame for good — the series

I neither like feeling guilt or blame nor do I find them helpful to solve problems. While I still feel the emotions sometimes, I feel them far less than I used to. This series describes how to overcome them. I hope the techniques and perspectives work for you. Click on the entries in the table of contents to the left. Note I pulled the last entry from another series, but found it relevant. Goodbye guilt and blame, IGoodbye guilt and blame, IIGoodbye guilt and blame, IIIGoodbye guilt and blame, IVGoodbye guilt and blame, VGoodbye guilt and blame, VIGoodbye guilt and blame, VIIA model to rid your life of guilt and blame in favor of getting things done

December 22, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Evolutionary Psychology / Freedom / Leadership

The Method: the series

I posted The Method on how to use The Model---my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development---in series form. Here is a link to it. I find the Model and Method the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. The Model tells you how we work. The Method shows you how to use The Model to lead yourself and others and create the lifestyle you want. I recommend reading The Model Series first, then reading this series for how to use the Model. Click to read it!

December 18, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Evolutionary Psychology / Leadership

The Model — the series

I posted The Model -- my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development -- in series form. Here is the link to it. I find this Model the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. Why? A model's value comes not from its accuracy but how well it serves its purpose, which improves from effective filtering of information. Street maps, for example, areÂ more useful for driving for having less detail than, say, a satellite picture. Subway maps are more useful for their purposes for having yet less detail. For leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development, I find this model has an optimal amount…

December 17, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Tips

Hate a job you can’t leave? Improve it.

"I don't like my job and I have to get a new one." Probably more than half my coaching clients say something like this, followed by "Please help me." A recent session with a client who started that way reinforced my standard approach, as I'll describe. The client I spoke to the other day so disliked his job he was ready to drive across the country to a city he'd never been to and had almost no connection to just to get away from it. His relationship with his job was poisoning many of his relationships because it affected his mood and feeling of ability to control important parts of his life. As I describe to clients, I use a two-pronged approach where the second…

December 16, 2013

The Method: the series

Awareness / Education / Exercises / Leadership / Models / Nonjudgment / Perception

The Method: the series

[EDIT: I covered this series in more depth in Leadership Step by Step, so I recommend the book, but the core is here. I use this technique as a part of my life, basically daily.] Here is The Method on how to use The Model---my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development---in series form. I find the Model and Method the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. The Model tells you how we work. The Method shows you how to use The Model to lead yourself and others and create the lifestyle you want. I recommend reading The Model Series first, then reading this series…

December 14, 2013

Adrenaline-rush activities you can do right now that beat jumping out of planes

Awareness / Blog / Freedom / Nature / SIDCHAs / Tips

Adrenaline-rush activities you can do right now that beat jumping out of planes

[This post is part of a series on Cold Showers. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Today I'm writing about the value of taking cold showers. Purposefully doing so can change your life more than jumping out of a plane or most other adrenaline-rush activities. You'd be amazed. You can give yourself life-changing experiences as exhilarating as jumping out of planes or bungee jumping without all the baggage people who do those things have to do. My picture at the top of the page swimming across the Hudson River illustrates how anyone can create inspirational, life-changing activities with minimal effort. Today I'm writing about…

December 14, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Fitness / Nature

Eating cookies is easier than exercising and always will be. What to do about it.

I just finished exercising. Starting, as always, was hard. I know it only takes a couple days without exercise for me to start putting on fat and losing muscle definition. I also know if I get some cookies and start eating them I'll feel pleasure right away. There's no obvious reason I should choose the distant, unpleasurable reward of a fit body over the immediate pleasure of eating sweets and junk food. I know I'll feel that pleasure. I don't need anyone else to see it for me to feel it. I can get it myself. The world is increasingly populated with people who choose the pleasure of candy over the complexity of fruits and vegetables. Sometimes I think one of the defining characteristics of…

December 13, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Education / Leadership / Tips

Coaching highlights from coaching Columbia Business School students: Assertiveness does not mean aggressive, domineering, or trying to influence

[This post is part of a series on Coaching Highlights from coaching Columbia Business School students. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] As an earlier post in this series mentioned, assertiveness ranks highly as a skill students at Columbia want to develop as part of their leadership training. Most recognize it as an important skill for leadership -- that if they don't assert themselves, instead of leading they'll end up being led by others who assert themselves more. Most haven't had or created the opportunities to assert themselves professionally, having had few leadership roles. I find one of their biggest hurdles to asserting themselves…

December 7, 2013

Get leadership coaching like an Ivy League business school

Awareness / Education / Leadership

Get leadership coaching like an Ivy League business school

Do you want to improve your leadership skills? Does this describe you: Highly motivated?Limited time?Want to know top-5 business school culture (or just learn to lead like someone from one)? This series will help you. Columbia Business School provides a service to its students helpful to anyone -- it has each MBA candidate take a 360-degree report and gives each a coach to help interpret the results and create a plan to act on it. I took the program and have been coaching Columbia MBA students through this program for years. Since we have only one hour but the students are so highly motivated, it's like super-effective lightning coaching. Many students have gotten enough value to tell me things like "this is why I chose…

November 30, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Fitness / Freedom / Nature

Introversion is not the opposite of extroversion, part 2

Yesterday I showed two models for introversion and extraversion. The model you believe filters how you see the world, which will influence your feelings and behavior. I found the following test to see if you're introverted "or" extraverted from a book. You can see it's based on an Or model, I believe designed to show empathy for people who consider themselves introverted. From the And model it's almost painful to read in how it reinforces weakness and constraint. I'll translate it in two ways to reveal other ways of looking at it I suspect you'll find empowering or that undercut this one. First the base test. (By the way, I'll be happy to reject the And model if anyone shows me a reason to that…

November 21, 2013

Introversion is not the opposite of extroversion, part 1

Awareness / Blog / Fitness / Freedom / Models / Nature / Visualization

Introversion is not the opposite of extroversion, part 1

Here is a common belief for the relationships between introversion and extraversion. I'm going to show how it worsens your life and offer an alternative you will resist and fight against, but if you keep an open mind you'll realize explains your world more effectively and helps you to improve your life. I call it the "Or" model of introversion and extraversion for reasons you'll see below. It says that introverted people have certain properties and abilities, extroverted people have complementary properties and abilities, and you either have one set or the other, but not both. It says some people may lie somewhere in the middle of the axis, having some introverted traits and some extroverted traits, but not the full amount that a pure…

November 20, 2013

Awareness / Blog

A few thoughts on aging

I met with a friend I've known over a quarter-century. Like everyone, we're getting older. You can see the younger person you first met in them. You're reminded of your aging too. So I'll share a few thoughts. If you're a younger reader and this doesn't resonate yet, one day it will. First, aging has become my main source of learning acceptance and celebration -- recalling my tenet that anything you can't avoid you can learn to accept and anything you can accept you can celebrate. In this sense I value it because that lesson helps in many areas of life outside just aging and we all age equally, so you don't feel bad for being singled out. You can choose many things about your…

November 18, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Tips

How to never look back at your life with regret

Here's how to never look back at your life with regret. Do what you love. Conserve resources as much as you can so you don't get distracted from what you love. Stick with it until you're done. Ignore people who tell you to do something more reasonable. Be confident knowing that if you love it, others will love it too. Not everyone, but enough to form community. Then when you stick with it long enough, you'll end up doing something people love, appreciate, respect, and have never seen before. Now they see you as inspirational. Repeat as often as you like. Some people ask at this point, what if I don't know what I love. For them I offer a step before step 1. Figure…

November 16, 2013

Awareness / Blog / Entrepreneurship / Leadership / Tips

Coaching works.

I've been coaching clients one-on-one for a few years, as readers have noted from my references to clients. I've coached nearly a hundred clients by now, most of whom found me through word of mouth. I added a new coaching page to this site to help people find coaching with me. Why? My clients succeed. That's why I love coaching. You can achieve more too. Because coaching works. I have a coach who helps me Identify my priorities Tell me how I look from an outside perspective (the one person you can't see from another person's perspective is yourself, the one you wish you could see that way most) Hold me accountable to finishing important tasks. I recommend you get one too. If you like…

November 10, 2013

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