Tips

Awareness / Freedom / Nature / Tips

Improve your life by rejecting mental models that inhibit freedom, joy, and other reward

On another forum I got into a dialog about the mental models of introversion and extroversion I found relevant, given my posts here. My goal on treating the mental model of the one-dimensional introversion-extroversion is deeper than examining this one mental model. It's to show how much people can confuse mental models with actual observations. Without that confusion you can reject models that inhibit you. They see the mental models of introversion, extroversion, and the spectrum between them as parts of reality independent of their perception. They are only as real as people perceive them. So was the impossibility of breaking a four-minute mile. So was the idea that angels flapping their wings made the Earth go around the Sun. Someone described themselves as introverted…

February 15, 2014

Entrepreneurship / Leadership / Tips

Context, Action, Result (CAR): answering interview questions and describing experience effectively

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Has an interviewer ever begun a question with "Can you tell me a time when ..." or asked you about your experience? Such questions arise in job interviews, with people considering promoting you, when seeking funding, even dating, to mention a few places. I'll take a lot of the guesswork out of how to answer. Your answer has two major components---content and structure. You have to draw on your experience for the content, but I'll tell you a structure that works. I didn't…

February 13, 2014

Awareness / SIDCHAs / Tips

How to overcome creative avoidance, destroyer of motivation

[This post is part of a series on Cold Showers. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] What is creative avoidance? You know the feeling, or rather the mental chatter. The scene: Some time ago you told yourself you would do something challenging. Maybe going to the gym, talking to your boss about a raise, asking someone out on a date, one of those things you have to will yourself to do. At the time you knew you would do it. Now it's time to do it. Suddenly your mind fills with excuses and various reasons not to do it: You're tired. It doesn't matter…

February 12, 2014

Awareness / Leadership / Tips

“You don’t understand me so I’m leaving you” happens in business relationships too

When you try to lead someone who doesn't feel understood you ruin your your chances of leading them. I want to emphasize in this post the difference between understanding someone and them feeling understood. You understanding someone happens in your head. Them feeling understood happens in their head. People don't act on what's in your head. They act on what's in their heads. Here's what trying to lead someone without them feeling understood is like. Imagine you walked into a store and before you told anyone what you wanted, a salesperson walked up to you and said "I know what you want. Here it is," and handed you something to buy. Almost certainly they would offer you something you didn't want. Even if they handed…

February 11, 2014

Awareness / Leadership / Tips

How to make someone feel understood: the Confirmation/Clarification Cycle

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Making someone feel understood is a powerful leadership tool that makes the difference between motivating with external incentives, which merely guide, and internal emotions, which motivate from within. With practice you'll be able to evoke passions and inspire. They'll often feel gratitude toward you for the inspiration, even as they contribute more than usual. You'll be surprised at how enthusiastically and fully people contribute when they feel understood about emotions that matter to them but find difficult to share. I've written about the…

February 10, 2014

Awareness / Leadership / Tips

Talk to a misbehaving boss like you talk to a misbehaving child

One of my clients has a boss who hoards information and responsibility and doesn't give him the support he needs to do his job. Naturally, he wants to influence his boss to lead him better---that is, he wants to lead his boss. You have to see people as people first and positions on organization charts second, take responsibility, and lead them if you want to influence them. The first step I advise in leading anyone is awareness---in this case, understanding the motivations of the person you want to lead. If you don't understand their motivations, you'll have a hard time influencing them. As common as his boss's behavior is, everyone's motivation is different. Until he knows his boss's behavior, trying to influence him will likely…

February 9, 2014

Leadership / Tips

The understanding handshake: skipping it undermines your ability to lead

Has anyone ever told you they understood you and then did something that someone who understood you never would? You feel they not only don't understand you, they think they did, which they don't, and told you they did, which was wrong. You write off that person as not understanding you and therefore not worth listening to or following. You might not even consider them worth your time to help them understand you. What's the point if they think they do when they don't? You could easily waste a lot of time with someone like that and get nowhere. Now think of people you think you understand. Is it possible you sometimes think you understand someone when you don't? If so, could people be writing…

February 8, 2014

Freedom / Leadership / Tips

How to set your angel free

I wrote on my model for personal development and coaching of setting your angel free based on Michelangelo's answer on how he carved David out of a block of marble: "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." My model says that since we feel most natural and people are most attracted to us when we behave free of the constraints and motivations others impose on us, our most effective goal in personal growth isn't to put more stuff on us but to free ourselves from society's impediments. (EDIT: I just referred to this page working with a client and realized I should things like internal insecurities, fears, anxieties, and thoughts of others expectations and judgments to what to…

February 6, 2014

Fitness / SIDCHAs / Tips

What are your tricks?

[This post is part of a series on Cold Showers. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] I've been talking to people about SIDCHAs. I've found something surprising that I'd consider researching if I were still in school or had students working with me. Nearly everyone who does a SIDCHA overcomes the challenging part with a trick -- something to start them. One of mine is that before starting burpees I think of doing one, not all twenty-five, then once I start I finish the rest. Another is that before starting a cold shower, I often set my timer for five minutes and ten seconds.…

February 1, 2014

Creativity / Tips

Write a book! Feel your own book in your hands.

I can't tell you how good it feels to have your own book in your hands. I've been meaning to write that for a while -- since I got my first printed book from Book Patch. A short book costs less than ten dollars to print. From then on you'll always have a book you wrote. You can hold it, thumb the pages, show it to friends, get more copies to give away, and so on. If you're like me you'll keep improving it, talking to editors and designers to help. I'm sure parents will tell me since I haven't held a child of my own I've probably felt a small fraction of what they did. That doesn't detract from how good having your own…

January 31, 2014

Awareness / Nature / Tips

Willpower is like a starter motor. Emotions are like an engine.

When you drive a gas-powered car you use its engine. It has a lot of power and can get the car to go hundreds of miles. But when you get into a car, you can't just start using that engine. Internal combustion engines aren't good at starting on their own. So gas-powered cars have electric starter motors. Electric starter motors are designed just to start the gas engine, which you can then use to drive. In old stick shifts, if you left the car in gear and tried to use the starter motor, it would move the car a few feet. In principle you could use the starter motor to drive the car around, but since it wasn't designed for that purpose, doing so would…

January 28, 2014

Entrepreneurship / Leadership / Tips

How to lead your manager or boss

Nearly everyone I know wishes their boss or manager led better or at least differently. They act like they are powerless to motivate or influence their boss. Motivating and influencing your boss is one of the main things I work on with clients. It's also one of the most empowering things they experience. Yes, dealing with a hard-to-deal-with manager can be encouraging, not discouraging. I'll give a top-level overview of one technique to lead your manager to support you to do the work you want. With clients we practice the skills so they can practice and make mistakes with me so they don't with their bosses, but the technique works. It's not the only way that works, but it does. Start by understanding them. Nearly…

January 27, 2014

Leadership / Tips

How to create a mentor

If you don't know the value of a mentor, you're missing out on a major way to improve your career and life. You can find elsewhere the benefits they bring, but I'll mention some I've gotten. You can learn from their mistakes They create connections for you They teach you They help you through difficult times Sometimes they do business with you, like investing in your companies You can name-drop knowing them and many more How do you make someone a mentor? Here's the simplest trick in the world that will turn someone you just know into a mentor that will keep helping you. When you use their advice, tell them how you used it and the results you got. Simple as that. Do that…

January 26, 2014

Entrepreneurship / Leadership / Tips

Four reasons to see your colleagues as people first and places on organization charts second

Do you see your colleagues more as people or do you work and relate with them more based on their place on the organization chart? Over and over clients come to me with similar perspectives and challenges. Often they see their managers as people to please, whom they want to learn about but never do because they don't feel it their place to get to know him or her... as people they have to earn their place to work with. They see people who report to them as having to perform for them or to earn their places with them. If they want to do something at work outside of what they've been told -- that is, to take initiative, to act entrepreneurially, or to…

January 24, 2014

Awareness / Tips

Top 16 tips for starting habits you want and stopping habits you don’t

[This post is part of a series on Cold Showers. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Years ago I tended to have unintentional habits that I did without thinking about them and they didn't improve my life much. Now they're mostly ones I intentionally adopted because I knew they would improve my life. And ones I don't like I've gotten rid of. You can create the same mix in your life. Here are my top tips for starting habits you want and stopping habits you don't. Don't stop doing one habit, start doing another. It's easier toÂ do something than not to do something else,…

January 19, 2014

Awareness / Freedom / Tips

The 3 best tricks to get rid of things

Many more people believe in minimalism than practice it. They want to get rid of things but fail at it. I've gotten decent at it and found three things work best. First, some context to understand why people fail. The best first step for solving a challenging problem is nearly always awareness. Context: why people fail to get rid of things When people think about getting rid of things, even if they have a sincere desire to, they get hit with a powerful emotional barrier, usually anxiety bordering on fear based on the potential loss. When considering getting rid of something they think "Minimalism is better than having too much stuff. Getting rid of X will free my budget, schedule, and so on." Sounds great.…

January 16, 2014

Awareness / Tips

How not to help people

A friend introduced me to someone he suggested I might be able to do something with. That friend has made phenomenal introductions for me before and has always given great advice, so I followed up. I met with him. I enjoyed meeting him. Near the beginning of the conversation, though, he told me he enjoyed connecting people. At the end of the conversation he told me he wanted to put me in touch with two other people. On the face of it, that sounds great, but it's not. I mean, it might turn out that way, but so far I have two connections to people whom I don't know why he connected us. Following up these connections is an obligation. Dropping them either requires tact,…

January 14, 2014

The perfect comfortable life — how to live without injury or risk

A think a concept I wrote about the other day will become useful as a reference for the life you get if you value passive physical pleasure and comfort over emotional reward and development, which often come from actively challenging yourself and taking risks. How to create perfect comfortable life If you want to avoid physical or emotional pain, since the following things risk creating them, you'd better cut them out: Meeting new people Caring about what you do Trying new business ideas Exercise Sports Challenging yourself Walking is risky ("When did walking three miles become a health risk?"). Caring about things is risky ("Leadership, personal development, choosing to care, and emotional pain."). If you want safety, security, and comfort, cut those risks out, along…

January 7, 2014

Awareness / Fitness / Tips

How to bring happiness and emotional reward to your life by analogy with pleasure — the series

I've written, thought, and acted on distinguishing between pleasure, happiness, and emotional reward. I like them all, but sometimes life creates situations where sacrificing one will get more of another. Knowing their differences and similarities helps you figure out how to create the optimal balance of each in your life. For example, lately I've been experimenting with cold showers, although the following applies for any other SIDCHA or challenging activity. It's incredibly important for improving your life if you prefer living to sitting on the couch eating ice cream. Everybody I tell about them who hasn't tried them evaluates the idea of cold showers in terms of physical pleasure only. I did too before I did it -- their obvious physical discomfort stands out above…

January 5, 2014

Education / Entrepreneurship / Events / Leadership / Tips

“How to Lead People So They Want You to Lead Them Again” — My January 18 Leadership Seminar in NYC

Want to motivate people more effectively? Come to my January 18 seminar, "How to Lead People So They Want You to Lead Them Again," with the Columbia Business School Alumni Club of New York, which will be held at NYU-Stern, conveniently located in Greenwich Village. Past attendees of this seminar rated it very highly. Below is the text from the CBSACNY announcement: Effective leaders motivate people from the inside — so people they lead contribute fully and thank the leader for giving them the opportunity to work with them. You can learn this skill too. Isn't someone thanking you for motivating them to work hard on your project the holy grail of motivation? People remember effective leaders their whole lives. If you had leaders and…

January 4, 2014

Fitness / Freedom / Leadership / Tips

The Self-Imposed Daily Challenging Healthy Activity (SIDCHA) series

I'm so swept up by SIDCHAs I made a series for them. Click here for the SIDCHA series. Do you want success or failure? Do you want to lead yourself or to follow others? Do you want a shot at greatness or mediocrity? Do you want resilience from feeling bad when things don't go your way or do you want your emotions to wreak havoc with you when things inevitably don't go your way? The Self-Imposed Daily Challenging Healthy Activity (SIDCHA) is the foundation for success, personal leadership, your shot at greatness, emotional resilience, and more. While a SIDCHA alone may not achieve all those things, it gives you such a strong foundation for them, you'll probably find yourself achieve them. I don't have evidence…

January 2, 2014

A list of Self-Imposed Daily Challenging Healthy Activities (SIDCHAs) you could do

[This post is part of a series on the Self-Imposed Daily Challenging Healthy Activity (SIDCHA). If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] New Years Day conjures thoughts of resolutions. Here is a list of SIDCHAs that work for many people. Please share other ideas I haven't thought of -- ones you've done, heard of others doing, thought of but haven't done, or whatever. I'll keep adding to it. Burpees Meditation Biking Yoga Lifting weights Running Cross-fit Writing Cooking a better meal than you have to Cold showers Taking classes Dancing (so you break a sweat) Singing (so others hear you) Acting (so others see you)…

January 1, 2014

An inspirational SIDCHA video

Fitness / Leadership / SIDCHAs / Tips

An inspirational SIDCHA video

[This post is part of a series on the Self-Imposed Daily Challenging Healthy Activity (SIDCHA). If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] [It's also part of a series on Cold Showers. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] About twenty-five days into taking thirty days of cold showers I watched the following video by the guy whose blog motivated me to try it in the first place, Joel Runyon. I found this video the most meaningful description of the reasons to try it. Well, the…

December 31, 2013

SIDCHA properties — The best tool to improve your life: the Self-Imposed Daily Challenging Healthy Activity

[This post is part of a series on the Self-Imposed Daily Challenging Healthy Activity (SIDCHA). If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Since conceiving of the idea of the Self-Imposed Daily Challenging Healthy ActivityÂ (during a SIDCHA -- in particular, a cold shower), I've been taken by it. Naturally I want to test it, but I'm coming to consider having SIDCHAs among the most important concepts to personal and leadership development. It combines many of the behaviors and beliefs valuable to create changes you want. Today I'll cover SIDCHA properties that distinguish them from candidates that don't qualify and to help you find them. First, before…

December 30, 2013

Willpower, how to understand and use it — the series

I wrote a series of posts on willpower. I assembled them into series format so you can read them all at once. Check it out. For reference, the first post goes like this: Most people know what they should do to create the life for themselves they want. Sadly, most people don't do what they feel they should. They do what's easy. People who want to lose weight keep eating chocolate cake. People who want to build muscle skip going to the gym. People who want to manage their time better still indulge in wasting time. Sound familiar? A necessary ingredient to improving your life is being able to choose to do what you think you should when your emotions say otherwise--to skip the chocolate…

December 27, 2013

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