Education / Exercises / Leadership / Models / Tips

Top models and strategies for negotiating

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] You negotiate every day. If you think you only negotiate when you're buying a car or creating a deal, you don't realize you negotiate every time you decide with a friend where to get lunch, with your spouse what movie to see, with your boss if you can work from home another day per week. Any interaction with some give and take involves negotiation. And if you think of negotiation as each of you trying to beat the other, you'll miss…

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April 4, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Models / Tips

A belief to motivate trying new things

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Are you nervous to try new things? Do you wish you tried more things? Do you see others enjoying things you're too scared to try? I found a way to motivate trying new things. My model to try new things: I have low standards the first time. That is, the first time I do something, I consider it successful if I just do it at all, not by how well I do it. I wrote about this model almost two years…

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April 2, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Models / Tips

My experience doing yesterday’s exercise and what it means to you

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Since my results surprised me, I bet your results will surprise you when you do yesterday's exercise to record your beliefs (aka mental models or just models). First, the quantity. I felt like I had five or ten main models that I used a lot. I had about sixty or seventy. So the mental world I live in, from my mind's eye, is more complex than I thought. Next, how new they are -- that is, most of them aren't more…

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March 31, 2013
Awareness / Exercises / Models / Tips

An exercise in knowing your beliefs; so you can change them

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] We all know the story about the three guys doing the same physical work at quarry yet feeling different -- one felt miserable because he felt like he was just chopping stone, the next kind of enjoyed his work because he felt he was practicing a worthy profession, and the third who loved what he did because he was helping build the most beautiful cathedral the world had ever seen. How do you become the cathedral guy? As long as you're…

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March 30, 2013
How not to overspend on things you don’t want
Blog / Entrepreneurship / Fitness / Leadership

How not to overspend on things you don’t want

I can't resist reposting a comment I posted on the forum of one of my favorite other blogs, Mr. Money Mustache. I'm reposting it because two other readers rated my response highly, one giving my response this animated image, making me proud. The post I responded to Alright mustachians [the term for people in the Mr. Money Mustache community who practice his principles of not spending money on stuff that doesn't improve your life] I need your sage advice. In the last three months I have really cut down on my bad habits. I pack my own lunch to work every day. I broke up with cable. I stopped ordering books from amazon on a regular basis. I changed my eating habits from quick and…

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March 28, 2013
Awareness / Blog

We proved each other wrong… and right.

Sometimes being proved wrong improves your life. This story is one of them. Actually, my friend and I both proved each other wrong and it worked out well. If you've been reading this page, you know how much I value self-awareness and emotional intelligence. I've worked hard to develop resilience to feeling bad when things don't go my way. I like being able to stay calm under pressure. I have a great friend -- a borderline celebrity whose identity is important enough I can't mention it in this context -- but we've been friends for years. Why can't I mention her name? Because, and I don't think she'd disagree with me for saying this, she's crazy. When I met her she had been diagnosed with…

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March 27, 2013
Blog / Education / Fitness / Leadership

More on John Wooden

I found a couple more videos on John Wooden, whom I wrote about yesterday. First, some thoughts on him by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, one of the top players of all time. He is the NBA’s all-time leading scorer, with 38,387 points. During his career with the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks and Los Angeles Lakers from 1969 to 1989, Abdul-Jabbar won six NBA championships and a record six regular season MVP Awards. In college at UCLA, he played on three consecutive national championship teams, and his high school team won 71 consecutive games. At the time of his retirement, Abdul-Jabbar was the NBA’s all-time leader in points scored, games played, minutes played, field goals made, field goal attempts, blocked shots, defensive rebounds, and personal fouls. Look at the…

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March 23, 2013
Blog / Fitness / Leadership

A few minutes on one of the best leaders in U.S. history

While searching for videos on Lou Gehrig for yesterday's post, I happened on a short video on John Wooden, one of the great coaches of any sport. According to Wikipedia John Robert Wooden (October 14, 1910 – June 4, 2010) was an American basketball player and coach. Nicknamed the "Wizard of Westwood", he won ten NCAA national championships in a 12-year period—seven in a row—as head coach at UCLA, an unprecedented feat. Within this period, his teams won a record 88 consecutive games. He was named national coach of the year six times. As a player, Wooden was the first to be named basketball All-American three times and he won a national championship at Purdue. Wooden was named a member of the Basketball Hall of Fame…

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March 22, 2013
Blog / Tips

Unexpected skill for improving yourself

I noticed something that helps people improve more than almost anything else, at least in myself, people I know, and clients. Most people trying to change something about themselves, the bigger or more complex, the more they try. The harder they try, they figure, the more they'll do. They focus on the new thing they want to do. The unexpected skill for improving is not to try harder with the new thing you're trying to do, but to let go of the old thing you're trying to replace. Here's a model that might help: If you're trying to change your clothing style, getting rid of your old clothes will change you faster than getting new clothes, because you'll still end up wearing whatever old clothes…

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March 20, 2013
Blog / Freedom / Leadership

The limits of what you can achieve

The changes you can make that will affect your life most are in your personal leadership skills -- how you perceive yourself, others, and your environment; how you manage conflict; how you influence yourself and others; and the other components of leadership. These changes will affect how you experience life more than external things like winning the lottery, where you live, etc, no matter how big they seem. In fact, if you don't change these things, you can win the lottery or any other big change and the important parts of your life won't change much. You might have a fancier car or bigger house, but they won't mean much more to you. You won't have more, fewer, or closer friends. You won't be more…

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March 19, 2013
Blog / Fitness / Tips

One way to help prevent unhappiness

When people feel unhappy or depressed they often stop doing things. They don't feel motivated to work or go out so they don't. You know how when you're happy, you tend to smile? Most people also know smiling makes you feel happier, at least for a moment. Forcing a smile won't solve all your problems, but we can build on what it demonstrates. Not only does emotion motivate behavior, but behavior influences mood. While brief behavior influences emotion briefly, longer term behavior influences emotion long term. To keep your mood stable, keep up your habits consistently. It may not make your life perfect, but it helps a lot. It gives you a solid platform to build the rest of your life on. I've written about…

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March 16, 2013
Awareness / Blog / Tips

Paper shredders and making changing beliefs and values easier

People tell me it's hard to change beliefs and values. Some people think it's impossible. I agree if they believe it's hard, but you can and it gets easier with practice. Most people change their beliefs and values all the time without realizing it. One goal for this page is to help people learn to change their beliefs more easily so I try to give examples of how you already change beliefs and values without thinking about it. If you see you do in simple or little cases, you can expand what you already do to more complex or bigger cases. Next thing you know you'll change your life. People often restrict themselves by thinking of changing beliefs as thinking positively or thinking the opposite…

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March 15, 2013
Blog / Fitness

Redefining possibility again

Are you younger than 89? Can I ask you to think critically. Forget for a moment about logistics and if you have the time or interest to do it. Just ask yourself if you think it's possible. Do you think you could finish a marathon? Do you think it's possible? Many people I ask consider their finishing a marathon impossible. Not difficult but impossible. They explain why and their reasons never hold water for me, but they seem conclusive to them. Sometimes it's as simple as knee problems (note I asked about finishing a marathon, not running one, which would allow for using a wheelchair or crutches, both of which I've seen racers use. For that matter, seeing a blind runner in a marathon. Whatever…

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March 8, 2013
Awareness / Blog / Freedom

Personal development, achievement, and freedom

Following up on freedom from yesterday's post, I wanted to share a perspective so useful, I almost can't believe it wasn't originally written for the context of personal development. Michelangelo, when asked about how he created David, said I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free. As I mentioned yesterday, the greatest improvements we can make are to free ourselves from constraints that inhibit us from being ourselves. We know when we see other people constrained and unaware of it that we know they are living below their potentials. I find our greatest developments are to remove these constraints to reveal what's underneath, so we can be ourselves. The constraints tend to be rules and beliefs others imposed on…

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March 6, 2013
Blog / Freedom

Personal development and achievement

What are your goals? People ask that a lot, especially in personal development. I'm going to point something out you might not realize. People usually talk about goals as external -- to get a promotion, to earn a certain amount of money, to marry a spouse with certain properties... stuff like that. People who take my seminar see what I put as the farthest stage I see myself reaching is freedom. I mention others may have other farthest stages, but whatever your farthest stage, I suspect freedom is somewhere up there. We like when others are free and unconstrained with us, so we know others like when we are free and unconstrained with them. When I say freedom, I don't mean being outside of jail…

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March 5, 2013
Blog / Leadership

George Clooney on accountability

Following up yesterday's post on George Clooney on living well, I sampled another clip from the same interview in which he talked about accountability. The context is his winning an award for his work on Darfur. I think the clip illustrates how to keep focused on results, not accolades. And even to remember that the results you can achieve don't necessarily mean results that you want to achieve in the long run. Reporting on hidden problems helps -- how else can you try to solve them -- but it doesn't solve them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyl5vQCiOrk Accountability: without it things don't get done. Leaders almost necessarily have it because their team depends on them. Even if they don't have accountability, effective people ask for it.

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February 26, 2013
Awareness / Blog

George Clooney on Living Well

Do you dream of a life on the red carpet, gracing black-tie events with your presence, choosing among the best projects, working with the top people in your field, with your name in lights? Sound unbeatable? Think again. At least if you're George Clooney. With all of that, he found simplicity from regular working men. He acted on it with something few of us could materially afford, but we can re-create anyway. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsgdaxo70Ck What are you striving for? What can you attain anyway?

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February 25, 2013
Art / Blog

More on leadership and success from Inside the Actors Studio: what anyone overcame, you can too

Following up yesterday's post on how so many great actors, at least among those I saw interviewed on Inside the Actors Studio, faced so many challenges before their careers took off (and many after, as well, given the challenges of celebrity), I looked up one in more detail. I also covered how acting and leadership both require self-awareness, emotional-intelligence, and ability to manage your and others' emotions. I think the field of training leaders can learn from the more mature field of training actors. People who have attended my leadership seminar know I use Johnny Depp as an example there, but I could have picked any number of other great living actors. As one measure of his success, movies with him in them have grossed…

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February 23, 2013
Blog

A great model to allow yourself to fail

This model is one of my most important ones I think about almost daily. It fits with my practice of having low standards the first time. It also enables you to act on the perspective most successful people I know of realizing the importance of failing. The scene is a martial arts class. A few students learning from a great master. The students ask the master how he never loses his balance. He asks, surprised, "what do you mean?" They say "You're always on your feet. You never fall. How do you never lose your balance?" He says, "On the contrary, I'm always losing my balance, but I'm always recovering." I love this line. It tells me I can fail. I just recover. As long as…

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February 19, 2013
Blog / Exercises / Leadership / Tips

An exercise in doing what you have to even when you don’t want to

Everybody faces tasks they don't want to start, know they have to do, but also know won't take that long -- things you might characterize like pulling teeth, holding your nose and taking your medicine, or grinning and bearing it. We all want to learn to motivate ourselves better. Examples include talking to your boss about a raise, talking to a significant other about a problem that's been bothering you for a while, or finally sitting down and doing your taxes. You know the task won't take that long. It probably won't even hurt. But you have to do it. When you read a lot of leadership and personal development literature, you come across some odd practices. Sometimes it helps more than you expect. I've…

4 Comments
February 18, 2013
Blog

Criticism I deserve myself?

I just read a post by a young entrepreneur called "About not owning sh*t" with a similar theme to some posts I wrote. On another forum I posted what I intend as constructive criticism. I applaud his lifestyle, but the post reminded me of an insightful joke. Q: How do you know when someone doesn't have a TV? A: They tell you. Again, I like his decisions. I hope I don't sound like other posters putting him down or defensive things like he must be rich to live poor, which miss the point. He just seems to be bragging about it. Why not just not have a lot of stuff and leave it at that. If you want to inspire others, a post of a…

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February 12, 2013
Blog / Tips

You don’t find passion, you create it

I wrote the following to a client and thought it was worth sharing here. I've written similar things before, but it bears repeating. I think it speaks for itself, but let me know if it needs more explanation or context. ----------------------------- I find with passions you get out what you put in, so I think the advice to find your passion only gets half of it. You need to find an area interesting enough to you to devote yourself to it, but no passion begins as a passion. It begins as in interest. It grows to a passion from what you put into it. Resources like time, energy, money, attention, etc that you put into one area you can't put into another, so we have…

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February 9, 2013
Awareness / Education / Leadership

This weekend’s leadership development seminar in Shanghai sold out

I just heard that this weekend's leadership development seminar in Shanghai sold out the last seat. If you wanted to attend but can't now, there is a good chance I'll do another in March. Please email me if you would like to be contacted about it. Thanks to everyone with the Columbia community here for making this happen and all the work behind the scenes. I look forward to seeing people there.

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February 1, 2013
Blog / Leadership / Tips

Common objection 12: I’ve worked so long and hard but feel like I’m getting nowhere or going backward

[This post is part of a series on internal objections and blocks and how to overcome them. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Objection I don't think you can significantly change your life, at least not at the beginning, without thinking something like I've been working on this for six months and I'm farther back than I was when I started. or I try so hard and I never get anywhere. For small or simple changes we may progress monotonically, but major changes don't seem to work that way. Example I'm sure you've had this feeling yourself. Underlying belief You get frustrated that progress…

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January 30, 2013

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